Realization and Acceptance

I've come to realize that a daily blog update isn't going to happen. I would love to have that blog with the daily anecdotal bit that is funny and engaging with a weekly topic or a sometimes when-did-she-get-so-smart piece that makes everyone stop and think. But in reality I'm a mom with 5 kids, a part-time job and a full time household. I don't think I'm doing the people that read this thing any favors by trying to crank out posts that don't have any energy behind them.  I can't sit down and in five minutes rock out something that I'm happy with.  Well, not daily anyway.  
I mentioned here about working on a vision for what I want the blog to be and how I want to benefit myself, my family and both my readers.  I'm still working on that. But what I am learning about it in this process is what I don't want.  I don't want mindless dribble.  Now while I recognize that most of the point of this blog IS mindless dribble, it is my specific mindless dribble. What I am not happy with what happens when I try to crank out something I don't feel.  
This blog is about my life. It's about being a wife, a mother, and a woman and hopefully finding balance in it all. It's about what's crazy when you have five daughters. It's holding a marriage together, keeping my house from falling down around our ears and just living this one life that we have been given to the fullest.  Some days my cup runneth over. Some days the cup is just too damn small and now there's a big friggin' mess and oh-wait-of-course-don't-all-jump-up-at-once-mom-will-get-it-don't-strain-yourself.
I will keep this as updated as I can. It is something that I would like to be able to be a little more on top of. It's one of my current goals (I really should write those down) and something I'm working on. We'll see how it goes!

Exhausted But Happy

Yesterday we spent the entire day at the high school working at the tournament hosted by Allie's marching band. I was at the school Friday until almost 11 and then we were back at 7am.  Doug, Allie, Jane and I finally made it home at about 11 again.  We were exhausted. Emotionally and physically exhausted. 
I worked the concession stand while Doug was put in charge of directing traffic and routing the buses as the bands came in.  The other volunteers and I shut down the concession stand to watch the kids perform.  It was amazing!  Because of all the time we've spent with the band we've seen their different performances and how they've placed at the different competitions.  After a particularly disappointing performance at the last competition Mr. Gould reminded the kids that they were getting the scores they deserved and had earned.  I don't know what else he had said to them over the week but whatever it was, it made an impact.  The performance we were lucky enough to see on Saturday was a culmination of the hard work the kids put into it.  Their dedication and pride in their performance was apparent. I think Mr. Gould knew what to expect from "his" kids.  He walked on that field with a rooster's strut you could see across the field. 
With only one small SNAFU (no hot water for hot cocoa or noodles) we finished the day. We left so exhausted I was ready to cry. 
The best part of the day came when Allie told us that because of their scores they were going to Championships in Huntington Beach!  When you host the tournament you don't "place" and so your scores and ratings aren't made known to you until the end of the tournament.  Allie told us that if they had been able to place they would have been in 2nd place!
I'm so damn proud of that kid and her accomplishments with the marching band I could just BURST! She didn't want to stay in band last year and we pushed her. She was hesitant at the beginning of the year and has flourished in this environment. I really couldn't be happier.  This is one of those rare parenting moments when you get to sit back and be proud, let your kid be proud of herself, and you get to say "I told you so"! That doesn't happen very often.  I'm basking to say the least.  Although, currently basking means sitting my happy ass on the couch with my computer barely able to move because I'm sore and exhausted from a day at the snack bar. 
I can't wait to do it again next year! Well, I can, but it's easier if I don't think about it.
Holy crap I need a nap! Good job San G! We're proud of you, Allie - now get Mommy an ice pack.

Trying to Behave

I got an update email from one of my favorite blogs, Money Saving Mom, about a great deal on a new ebook called Blogger Behave.  It's all about balancing your life and your blog and staying true to yourself without sacrificing the reason you started in the first place.  I'm not quite done with it but I really love what it has to say.  One of the first points was having a Vision Statement for your blog.  I'm working on that. And one day - hopefully soon- I'll have one of those tabs at the top that says Vision Statement. For now I just have to try to think about what that means.  
What do I want this blog to be? What am I trying to get out of it? How does it benefit my life and my family?  Am I taking time away from my family and other responsibilities to work on the site?  Does this cause me joy? These are really important questions and things I am looking at and working on.
While they seem like easy enough answers I'm really putting some thought behind them and working on making this blog be everything I want it to be... and figuring out exactly what that is. 
Stay tuned and we'll see what that means.

Sterilization... Easier Done Than Said

I have made the decision to have my "tubes tied". The hospital and doctor's office call it Voluntary Sterilization.  Doug and I went to a class on Monday where they talked all about the different options and gave us all the information for Informed Consent.  I had to fill out paperwork and then waived my 30 day waiting period.  I don't need 30 days to think about it. I've been thinking about it before I got pregnant with Georgiana, and it was something Doug and I have talked about already.  One more, we said.
  The nurse giving the lecture said that we need to be 100% sure of what I am doing and repeatedly stressed that this decision is mine and that no one should be making it for me.  No one is making this decision for me. In fact, Doug would prefer to go under the knife instead of me (bless his heart).  I have made my decision and I have decided that since I am done getting pregnant and having babies that I am the one that needs to go in and do the sterilization.  Am I 100% sure as the nurse said? No. But I never will be.  Making babies and giving birth has been the most amazing things I have ever accomplished. I can MAKE PEOPLE! I don't care what stupid-human-trick you have, you can't top that one. It is an amazing thing that women can do. If I was 10 years younger I'd have half a dozen more. But I'm not. And we'd like to retire one day.  I have five happy, healthy daughters and I am blessed. Can I say with 100% certainty that I don't want any more babies? No. What I can say is that my family is complete.  I have an amazing husband that is the best father any woman could ask a man to be to her children and who loves me more than I deserve.  My girls are my light and my world. 
When the scheduling office from the hospital called and scheduled the procedure for next week I had to sit for a minute and process.  I am anxious. I am changing a fundamental process in my body. I am altering the way my body functions as a woman.  I will no longer be able to create and sustain a life with my womb. There is a sadness in that.  While all women come to a point in their reproductive lives where this happens, I am forcing the issue. This will not slowly happen over a long period of time as I get older, instead it will be over a couple months after a visit to my doctor. 
Even now, after the decisions and the appointment have been made there is doubt. As it stands I would be on birth control for rest of my reproductive life trying to prevent a pregnancy.  I have no intention or desire to have another baby.  However, if I was told tomorrow I was pregnant I would be happy and would celebrate. Being a mother and having the ability to be a mother has been the greatest gift I have been given. 
There will be sadness as well as relief. There will a bit of grief as I, with intention and forethought, close a chapter of my life.  There will also be celebration as I wait for the new beginning that it will bring, although I'm not yet sure what that will mean.

The Fear

We have felt The Fear.  Tuesday we sat in a hospital and held a frightened little hand and tried to ward off The Fear. Not only in ourselves, but in Fiona. 
The Fear is not only the fear of what is happening but of the unknown. It's not knowing but having to survive it anyway. It's the time as a parent when you are helpless to stop whatever is happening to your baby - regardless of the age.  It's when your driving teen leaves the house and then gets in an accident. It's when your tween falls on the soccer field and doesn't jump right back up. It's when your toddler is stuck in a hospital bed screaming about spiders and you just don't know why.

Finally Sleeping

Fiona woke up in the wee hours Tuesday morning screaming about spiders. It was the scream that has you half way down the hallway before your body even realizes you're awake. She's screaming about spider and trying to claw out of her jammies.  Doug was close behind and we did everything we could to calm her down from what we thought was a really bad nightmare.  
We shook out her bed, fixed her sheets,  brushed her off. We turned on the lights and showed her there were no spiders.  All to no avail. She was NOT going to get back in her bed, and keeping her calm was proving to be a challenge.  We decided that we would try to get her in our bed to try to catch that last half hour of sleep before the day started.  No good.  It was the same thing. Terrified screams coming from my normally happy girl.  Maybe it's the blankets touching her. Maybe she's just so tired that she's getting the tinglies right as she falls asleep. Maybe she was bit by something and so I checked her.  Top to bottom I checked her.  Nothing.
There is a special kind of helplessness reserved for parents.  When your child is sick or injured or scared and there is nothing you can do but watch it happen and it sucks.  That's why it is The Fear, because it is every parent's worst fear.  You have to lay down your superhero cape and admit that you just can't fix it.  

Little toddler butt peaking out!

Three hours into it I knew there was something wrong and she needed more than what we could give her at home. I called and made an appointment with the doctor and off we went.  Of course we get there and she is all sweetness and light. The doctor told me it was night terrors (which I was sure it was not) and sent us home with instructions to come back if it happened again. Which it did. As soon as we got all the way out of the building and on to the freeway. Of course. So back we went. This time, mid freak-out, the doctor took me seriously and not like a freaking-out-over-nothing mom.  They decided to admit her for overnight observation.
I'll save you the details of my 24 hours of hell.  No, they never did figure out what caused it. All of her tests came back clean (Amen!). She is, as one doctor told me (one of the few I could talk to without wanting to spork in the eye) that she was a 100% healthy 2 year old... that happened to be seeing spiders that weren't there.  There was nothing they could find. CT scans, blood work, neuro exams - all healthy.  They don't know why or what caused it or how to fix it. Hopefully it just stops.
I will say that I am OK with that diagnosis. The big things that cause The Fear are not there.  There is no sickness to beat, there are no further tests or hospitals in our future because of this.  I will not have to hold down my terrified little girl while she is poked and prodded by hospital staff, trying to calm her while I bawl and pray. 
Thank you to the friends and family that prayed for and with us.  Thank you to the doctors, nurses and various other hospital staff that did all you could to make facing The Fear a little easier.  Thank you to my husband, who did the hardest thing a parent will ever have to do - leave the hospital while your baby is in it - so that I didn't have to.

Update: The spiders are gone now and have been for a couple weeks.  Every now and again she will startle and say something about spiders but nothing like the wild-eyed panic that we saw that day. 
 
 

My Boyfriend's Back

I was talking with a good friend the other day who was asking how we were settling in.  I was telling her all about how great the girls were doing and how well they were adjusting. 
Then she asked about Doug and I specifically. You see, the last couple of years hasn't been the best for us.  We've both had a lot of job stress and bad communication. We don't communicate the same way. Not in the way that a man and a woman sometimes don't communicate.  More like the way cats and dogs don't communicate. Two different species speaking two different languages.  We went to a therapist in April and he asked us about our backgrounds and previous marriages.  When we were done he told us "To be honest I don't know how this works. It shouldn't. But it does.".  To be honest, we're not entirely sure how it works either. 

Doug and I - Orcas Island 2006

When Doug and I started dating he was going to school full time and I was working 50+ hour weeks with a 2 hour commute.  I was a single mom barely making ends meet. He was the calm to my chaos.  We were engaged after being together just shy of six months.  We had brought things to each others lives that were desperately missing.  We saw a happiness in each other that we had both been looking for.  So we made the leap.  We were veterans, we could do this!
Insert a wedding, honeymoon, pregnancy, job changes, layoffs, financial strain and life. Blend until smooth and serve chilled.  I don't know that either of us could pin-point the moment things got "hard". They just started getting harder. And harder. AND harder. Until it was getting to be too hard.
Then we moved 1200 miles.  Good Lord, whose bright idea was this?  And to the one place that I spent years trying to get away from surrounded by the chaos that I had worked so hard to separate myself from?  Apparently I drink. Or should. The opportunity was worth it.  The chance to take some of the stress and burden from my  husband. To give us some time and space to breathe.  Cut the workload but not the pay.  It had to be worth it. Right?
For the last few months we've struggled. We've fought. I mean really fought. In ways we never have before.  I was left questioning my sanity, my resolve and my marriage. 
Then something started to shift. Slowly but it was happening.  I didn't even see it, until one day it was just there.   I realized I had my husband back. No, that wasn't quite right. I had my boyfriend back! The man that made me smile and laugh. He never took himself or anything else too seriously. He has again been the calm to my chaos. My safety.  My serenity.  He is the one that has taught me that the worry and the stress only bring on more worry and stress and in the end all you can do is what you can do and anything else... it'll all fall into place. 
I don't know how it works, but it does. It shouldn't. But it does. I am reminded of why I married this man. I am given a glimpse of the man that whisked me away to an island where I was hit with sense of Knowing. He would always be there and we would always be together and I loved him.  I married him because that feeling never diminished.  Even when it did, when I was questioning it the most, it came back. I am reminded of the ebb and flow that is marriage - like the tides on that island. I have my safety and my serenity again.  I can breath. I can laugh. 
I love you, Doug. With all that I am and with all of my tomorrows. 

And now back to our regularly scheduled chaos...

Kiss My Brass

I never expected to be a Band Mom.  What I expected even less was LOVING it. So far we've had two football games and the Preview of Champions performance. These kids are awesome!  They work their butts off 3-4 days a week for 2+ hours at a time after school.  They show up on Saturdays, they are at school to practice before they leave for performances. They are running! I was surprised when Allie told me she was running the track during practice.  She comes home exhausted and sore.

I joined the boosters because I wanted to be involved. I attended the meetings, volunteered to coordinate volunteers and talked about fund raising. I volunteered Doug to drive the U-Haul.  I was definitely surprised by how difficult it was for me to get volunteers, but it has only increased my desire to do as much as I can to help these kids out.
I wasn't prepared for the Preview of Champions.  I had seen the band do their field show at the football games. There was another part that I hadn't seen before and I was so, so, SO proud of Allie and all the other kids. It brought me to tears! I felt like a giant dork and Allie laughed at me when I told her.  It's just such an amazing thing to see the hard work your kid has put into something come out so awesome.  After the performance we heard who messed up, who missed a step, Allie forgot where her starting point was... But to me it was beautiful. I was really impressed.  Now let's say for the record that the only instrument I play is my MP3 player. That's about as talented as I am.  I don't know that I even could play anything so this is some pretty cool stuff for me. 
I never knew anyone in band when I was in high school. Maybe that's why this is all so cool to me.  I feel like a kid with a new toy.
I'm finding that being a booster is going to be rather difficult. The fact that not all parents are as interested or involved as we are was a hard pill to swallow.  I don't understand why you wouldn't want to stand in the bleachers and cheer for your kid. How can you not want to be there for every step on that field? I just don't get it.  That means I'll have to work harder and it'll be more difficult to raise the money we need. It's worth it though.  Because these kids are awesome.  Maybe in a couple more years when Allie and I have become real Marching Band Veterans some of the sparkle and awesome will wear off. I sure hope not.