My Boyfriend's Back

I was talking with a good friend the other day who was asking how we were settling in.  I was telling her all about how great the girls were doing and how well they were adjusting. 
Then she asked about Doug and I specifically. You see, the last couple of years hasn't been the best for us.  We've both had a lot of job stress and bad communication. We don't communicate the same way. Not in the way that a man and a woman sometimes don't communicate.  More like the way cats and dogs don't communicate. Two different species speaking two different languages.  We went to a therapist in April and he asked us about our backgrounds and previous marriages.  When we were done he told us "To be honest I don't know how this works. It shouldn't. But it does.".  To be honest, we're not entirely sure how it works either. 

Doug and I - Orcas Island 2006

When Doug and I started dating he was going to school full time and I was working 50+ hour weeks with a 2 hour commute.  I was a single mom barely making ends meet. He was the calm to my chaos.  We were engaged after being together just shy of six months.  We had brought things to each others lives that were desperately missing.  We saw a happiness in each other that we had both been looking for.  So we made the leap.  We were veterans, we could do this!
Insert a wedding, honeymoon, pregnancy, job changes, layoffs, financial strain and life. Blend until smooth and serve chilled.  I don't know that either of us could pin-point the moment things got "hard". They just started getting harder. And harder. AND harder. Until it was getting to be too hard.
Then we moved 1200 miles.  Good Lord, whose bright idea was this?  And to the one place that I spent years trying to get away from surrounded by the chaos that I had worked so hard to separate myself from?  Apparently I drink. Or should. The opportunity was worth it.  The chance to take some of the stress and burden from my  husband. To give us some time and space to breathe.  Cut the workload but not the pay.  It had to be worth it. Right?
For the last few months we've struggled. We've fought. I mean really fought. In ways we never have before.  I was left questioning my sanity, my resolve and my marriage. 
Then something started to shift. Slowly but it was happening.  I didn't even see it, until one day it was just there.   I realized I had my husband back. No, that wasn't quite right. I had my boyfriend back! The man that made me smile and laugh. He never took himself or anything else too seriously. He has again been the calm to my chaos. My safety.  My serenity.  He is the one that has taught me that the worry and the stress only bring on more worry and stress and in the end all you can do is what you can do and anything else... it'll all fall into place. 
I don't know how it works, but it does. It shouldn't. But it does. I am reminded of why I married this man. I am given a glimpse of the man that whisked me away to an island where I was hit with sense of Knowing. He would always be there and we would always be together and I loved him.  I married him because that feeling never diminished.  Even when it did, when I was questioning it the most, it came back. I am reminded of the ebb and flow that is marriage - like the tides on that island. I have my safety and my serenity again.  I can breath. I can laugh. 
I love you, Doug. With all that I am and with all of my tomorrows. 

And now back to our regularly scheduled chaos...

Today is Hard

We’re starting to get settled. I won’t say that things are going smoothly. They’re not. In the 7 days we’ve been here I’ve had multiple bouts of what-the-hell-am-I-doing-here’s just as many I-just-want-to-go-home’s. It’s hot. I don’t have any of my stuff. I don’t have an internet connection of my own that isn’t based off my phone. I’m disconnected from the people I need the most right now. While my family would argue that they’re all right here, it’s my close-knit group of friends that I am most lonely for.  My marriage is in a difficult time right now. We are both going through and adjustment and having to come back from the real damage that was done over the past year of Doug’s ridiculous schedule.  It’s been trying to say the least.  With two people that have two completely different communication styles things can go from great to worse quickly.  When there is also a time deficit and a family to raise in between, and there are things that have been said and left un-said that have caused fissures in our foundation.  Add that I am stressed about the amount of work that I am coming back to and I’m ready to crack.  Thankfully I was able to drop off Krysty and Fi with my mom to get some laundry done while I get time to try to get work done and some much needed blogging done.  At some point I’m going to have to upload all of this to the website and figure out how to get it all in order.

Right now this sucks. It’s hard and I don’t wanna!  I know I’m still adjusting and coming off a really hard week/month/year.  I know in a few days I’ll feel better. Much better – but today is hard. 

Some things we never leave behind

It's funny to me how sometimes there are things that we expect to leave behind us because we are adults. There insecurities and the sometimes incomplete sense of self that you expect will go away once you "know who you are". As we get older we are able to look back over our lives and see things that were the "end of the universe" to us as children and teenagers, with the clarity of experience, and understand how inconsequential those thoughts/feelings were. In the grand scheme of things the problems of Then are so small in the Now.
Once we have children we watch them go through some of the same situations that we did. While the circumstances are never the same, the situations are. I watch my daughters go through the same struggles that I did as a young girl. While it breaks my heart to see that they are having to fight with these things I know that the experiences are going to make them The Woman She Will Become.
Sometimes though, it doesn't happen like that. I am that Woman.  As we age we are (or at least should be) constantly evolving. We are learning from our experiences and forming new relationships. Our personalities are like a muscle that is constantly exercised. While the same basic shape is there, the abilities are forever changing. Every once in a while though, we are forced to come face to face with the fact that we have not overcome things that we had expected we would or even thought we had.
I had a conversation with Krysty last night that brought this very thing to light. While getting the basics of what was going on was a slow and painstaking process getting to the root of the matter was much simpler. I watched as she looked at me with increasing sense of awe as I was able to put exact words to her feelings. Feelings that she couldn't quite explain herself. "You're feeling like this, and this, and this". "This is a problem here, here and here. What other people don't get is THIS". No, I am not a mind reader. But I am Mom. I come with my own experiences and yes, sometimes those experiences will mirror your own, Kid. I know from experience exactly how you are feeling because I went through that, too. I have the wisdom that comes from living through it and being able to have the hindsight of an adult to look back and understand what is going on with you now. Unfortunately there is nothing that I can do to change it. I can't stop it. Here are some tools, some tricks, and the best words of advice I can offer you but that's all I have.
I hope for now that it is enough. I hope that one day she can look back at this conversation and understand that I am doing the best that I can. Maybe this will stand out as one of my finer moments. A mom can dream, can't she?
In trying to explain the situation to Doug I realized that this is not only something that I Once dealt with, but is something that I Am dealing with. I know that it was difficult for him to understand what she was going through. I know he doesn't understand and doesn't know what to do to help her because he is unable to recognize it or help me while I struggle with the same issue. Intellectually I understand how his brain works and where the discrepancy is in the situation.  It's not that he's  unwilling to help. It's that he does not recognize the problem as I do and sees no need for resolution. There's no need to fix something that isn't broken.  If he does acknowledge the problem there is still little that he can do to help because he lacks the skills necessary to be part of the solution. The old adage holds true here that "If you are not part of the solution you are part of the problem".  This is something that we have struggled with for the entirety of our relationship. For me, it's like having something stuck under your contact lens.
I would've rather hit the corner of something hard with my pinky toe than have had to come to this realization.  Finding yourself racked with the same insecurities as your 15 year old daughter is difficult. Facing those insecurities while struggling with the shortcomings of someone you love sucks.
I went to bed with a head full of questions and problems there seems to be no solution to or chance or resolution for.
It was a long night.