Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I Believe In Angels

I believe in angels. I believe that babies are angels. Anyone that has ever had a child I think will agree with me. They teach us patience, kindness, laughter, and how to find joy in the little things. The fact that a baby is born at all is itself a miracle. Sometimes babies grow out of their angel wings and sometimes they do not.

When I was a baby my parents had a son. He lived for 6 days. While I was visiting my mom this past weekend she gave me the information on where he is buried. My little family is dwindling and she felt that it was important that I have this information.
I remember going with her as a child. She went every year on his birthday. I always new this was a time to be quiet and be gentle. I remember the view. I remember the flags blowing in the wind. Most of all I remember my mom crying - but not really understanding. I remember wishing he had lived so she wouldn't cry and so that I would have someone to play with.
Eventually my mom stopped going to the cemetery. She got to a point where she felt it was OK and was able to stop. Since she had passed the information on to me I felt compelled to go. It was time. It was my responsibility. I should go at least once. I would pick up some flowers and leave them. I would say a prayer and take a moment.
I was not prepared.
I didn't really have trouble finding the area called "Baby Land". Even without the carefully written information I could have found the plot. I knew where I was and where I was going. I stopped the car, rolled down the window in case Fiona woke up, got out and walked four plots in.
I kneeled down, ran my fingers over the stone, set the flowers down and started to cry. I said "I'm sorry little one. I'm sorry your little body was not strong enough" and I cried. I looked around and I felt the wind and heard the absolute silence. There was no sound of traffic, no birds, and no other voices. I saw some of the stones around me, some of them with only one date on it. And I cried harder.
As a mother I cried.
For my mother I cried.
I kneeled in this place surrounded by angels and sobbed. I don't know how long I sat there before I could stop long enough to even catch my breath.
I ran my hand over the stone again and said a silent Thank You to the person who takes care of that place. There was not a blade of grass out of place and there was not a single scratch on his stone. I couldn't figure out how to stick the flowers in the ground. I felt inept. Eventually I just laid them on top and left. I had to sit in my car and try to gain my composure. I had to call a friend to be able to do that enough to drive.
I will go back. As often as I am in town I will go back. I have not even been able to get through writing this without crying but I will go back. When it is time I will pass this knowledge on to my children so that there is always someone who knows where this particular angel's body was laid to rest.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Mommy Groups

Fiona and I attended our first Mommy Group meet up yesterday. Nothing fancy, we met at a local Starbucks and then walked the Enumclaw trail. It was about 2 hours and was deeply needed. The weather couldn't have been better. I do love this time of year in Washington. Despite sleep deprivation from the night before Fiona was all smiles and managed to stay awake for the entire time. I think she enjoyed seeing the other kids. I know I enjoyed the activity and social time.
I'm not good at meeting new people. For a very long time I have always had the same group of friends and had a hard time going out of that comfort zone. I like meeting new people, I'm just not very good at getting out there and doing it. I think this Mommy Group thing will be good for me and for Fiona. We don't really get much social time in and it's starting to be a problem with Fiona. She's very clingy to me and doesn't really want to go to anyone else. This includes her Papa and I know that is hard on him. But, I am all she sees and has during the day and I get a little anxious sometimes, too. So in an effort not to make the baby as batty as the Mama we're out to make new friends!