Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Brighter Days

After a very long weekend and quite a few tears we got some great news yesterday! My hormone levels are well within range and climbing as they are supposed to be. AMEN! I still feel like I'm having a period which worries me but at least for now we are celebrating. I'm afraid to get too excited and and crash if something happens, but for now we are excited again. Every twinge is nerve wrecking. I have a doctor's appointment on January 6th. Hopefully then we can hear a heartbeat or at least get some more reassuring news from the doctor.
For now I'm counting this among my blessings. All is well and I can breathe again.

Thursday, December 24, 2009


I've had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. I haven't gotten the "confirmation" from the doctor but I know it has happened. I've gone from spotting to bleeding. I go in Saturday for another blood test to check hormone levels. At this point I'm just going through the motions.
All that I have done today is go through the motions. I have to believe in my heart that this is for the best. I have to know that this baby was not healthy and was not strong enough. That does not lessen the grief. I have been useless today. Empty. It's Christmas Eve and a horrible time to have to go through this. While we should be celebrating there is an air of sadness to me. I can't help it. I'm missing something. There is something missing in me. Quite literally. While it has only been a couple weeks we have been so excited. We have been congratulated. We have made plans and appointments. There is hope an joy in bring in a new life. Losing that is wrapped in the ultimate sadness. I can't seem to take a full breath. I can't concentrate. Doug has been working all day and I'm lonely. I've been lost in my own house.
I will be OK. I know that. I am sad but not devastated. Eventually this funk will pass.
Today I am sad.