Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Here Comes the Sun (dodedodo)

Things are slowly starting to get better.  Sort of.
It's a process. A painfully slow process.  I want what I want and I want it NOW. I'm not good at waiting and have zero patience. Instant Gratification should be my middle name. 
The girls'  schedule is crazy. I'm running to the school a couple times a day sometimes. They are learning that driving to the school 300 times in a day makes Mom nuts and so have been very good about staying a little extra here and there.  Thankfully both of the older girls have after school activities. This way it's not always the same kid waiting for the other one to be done.  Jane has a great after-school program that she just loves so that's extra helpful, too. That way I don't have to worry about picking her up around the others' practice schedules. 
Fiona is on her second day care provider and about to be done there.  Both women have still been in jammies when I got there.  This is your job and I'm giving you money, put on a bra! Just sayin'. So I may have to just say screw it and figure out something else. I know I'm not paying much, but it's only 2 days a week. I remember having much better luck with in-home care when the bigger girls were little. The time she's been in day care has been great. I've actually gotten a lot done (I even have time to update the blog!). And it's been a great break for me. Georgie is still little and is rocking an awesome nap schedule so I can't really complain there. I made the tough decision to to stop nursing her (I'll discuss that later) and I haven't cried about it once today so I think that just might be OK, too. 
It'll get worked out.  It always does.
We're having new furniture delivered today and I'm pretty excited about that.  It seems to all be coming together just enough to keep me from a total breakdown.  Hopefully I haven't just jinxed it, but time will tell. 
I might actually get back to looking like I know what the heck I'm doing and feeling like I'm not going to implode.

Thanks everyone, for hanging on. It was getting a little dark around here, and that actually helped me pull myself out. I realized that I couldn't post another "This Sucks Because" blog or I was going to take this whole thing straight down the toilet. I hope you'll stick around to see what happens next.

Friday, August 12, 2011


Wow, it's been almost a month! I don't know where all my time is going. It sure doesn't seem like it's been that long.  Let's see if I can't get better at this.
Being back in California has been a bit surreal. What I've found most difficult is suddenly being surrounded by a lot of memories I would just a soon forget.  I keep looking for the Ghost of Christmas Past showing me all of the crap I did from about 14 on. Doug says "we all have things we've done that we're embarrassed about".  Embarrassed doesn't seem to cover it. I've been told "these are the things that have made you into the person you are today." Yeah, I get that. But it doesn't mean I want to be sitting next to Ebenezer, either! It's going to take some getting used to.  I don't have a lot of really fond memories growing up here.  There are some, but the strongest ones seem to be the awful ones that just jump right out at you.  We lived in the projects. I rarely had friends over because they weren't willing to come to my neighborhood to visit.  My parents had their own shit going on. While I've never forgotten, I've been faced with why I left every time I get in the car.  Doug doesn't get it.  But, I'm glad he doesn't and it's part of what I love about him. He doesn't have a lot of this shit he carries around.  I didn't think I was carrying it either but I think it just kind of popped out of where I stuffed it. 
I know that it'll get easier. Hell, it has to. And I will create memories here with my own family that will wash away the bad ones that seem to be creeping around every corner.  But that all takes time and I'm just not there yet.  But I will be. I know I have to.  Soon.