Thursday, November 17, 2011

Realization and Acceptance

I've come to realize that a daily blog update isn't going to happen. I would love to have that blog with the daily anecdotal bit that is funny and engaging with a weekly topic or a sometimes when-did-she-get-so-smart piece that makes everyone stop and think. But in reality I'm a mom with 5 kids, a part-time job and a full time household. I don't think I'm doing the people that read this thing any favors by trying to crank out posts that don't have any energy behind them.  I can't sit down and in five minutes rock out something that I'm happy with.  Well, not daily anyway.  
I mentioned here about working on a vision for what I want the blog to be and how I want to benefit myself, my family and both my readers.  I'm still working on that. But what I am learning about it in this process is what I don't want.  I don't want mindless dribble.  Now while I recognize that most of the point of this blog IS mindless dribble, it is my specific mindless dribble. What I am not happy with what happens when I try to crank out something I don't feel.  
This blog is about my life. It's about being a wife, a mother, and a woman and hopefully finding balance in it all. It's about what's crazy when you have five daughters. It's holding a marriage together, keeping my house from falling down around our ears and just living this one life that we have been given to the fullest.  Some days my cup runneth over. Some days the cup is just too damn small and now there's a big friggin' mess and oh-wait-of-course-don't-all-jump-up-at-once-mom-will-get-it-don't-strain-yourself.
I will keep this as updated as I can. It is something that I would like to be able to be a little more on top of. It's one of my current goals (I really should write those down) and something I'm working on. We'll see how it goes!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Exhausted But Happy

Yesterday we spent the entire day at the high school working at the tournament hosted by Allie's marching band. I was at the school Friday until almost 11 and then we were back at 7am.  Doug, Allie, Jane and I finally made it home at about 11 again.  We were exhausted. Emotionally and physically exhausted. 
I worked the concession stand while Doug was put in charge of directing traffic and routing the buses as the bands came in.  The other volunteers and I shut down the concession stand to watch the kids perform.  It was amazing!  Because of all the time we've spent with the band we've seen their different performances and how they've placed at the different competitions.  After a particularly disappointing performance at the last competition Mr. Gould reminded the kids that they were getting the scores they deserved and had earned.  I don't know what else he had said to them over the week but whatever it was, it made an impact.  The performance we were lucky enough to see on Saturday was a culmination of the hard work the kids put into it.  Their dedication and pride in their performance was apparent. I think Mr. Gould knew what to expect from "his" kids.  He walked on that field with a rooster's strut you could see across the field. 
With only one small SNAFU (no hot water for hot cocoa or noodles) we finished the day. We left so exhausted I was ready to cry. 
The best part of the day came when Allie told us that because of their scores they were going to Championships in Huntington Beach!  When you host the tournament you don't "place" and so your scores and ratings aren't made known to you until the end of the tournament.  Allie told us that if they had been able to place they would have been in 2nd place!
I'm so damn proud of that kid and her accomplishments with the marching band I could just BURST! She didn't want to stay in band last year and we pushed her. She was hesitant at the beginning of the year and has flourished in this environment. I really couldn't be happier.  This is one of those rare parenting moments when you get to sit back and be proud, let your kid be proud of herself, and you get to say "I told you so"! That doesn't happen very often.  I'm basking to say the least.  Although, currently basking means sitting my happy ass on the couch with my computer barely able to move because I'm sore and exhausted from a day at the snack bar. 
I can't wait to do it again next year! Well, I can, but it's easier if I don't think about it.
Holy crap I need a nap! Good job San G! We're proud of you, Allie - now get Mommy an ice pack.

Friday, November 4, 2011

Trying to Behave

I got an update email from one of my favorite blogs, Money Saving Mom, about a great deal on a new ebook called Blogger Behave.  It's all about balancing your life and your blog and staying true to yourself without sacrificing the reason you started in the first place.  I'm not quite done with it but I really love what it has to say.  One of the first points was having a Vision Statement for your blog.  I'm working on that. And one day - hopefully soon- I'll have one of those tabs at the top that says Vision Statement. For now I just have to try to think about what that means.  
What do I want this blog to be? What am I trying to get out of it? How does it benefit my life and my family?  Am I taking time away from my family and other responsibilities to work on the site?  Does this cause me joy? These are really important questions and things I am looking at and working on.
While they seem like easy enough answers I'm really putting some thought behind them and working on making this blog be everything I want it to be... and figuring out exactly what that is. 
Stay tuned and we'll see what that means.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Sterilization... Easier Done Than Said

I have made the decision to have my "tubes tied". The hospital and doctor's office call it Voluntary Sterilization.  Doug and I went to a class on Monday where they talked all about the different options and gave us all the information for Informed Consent.  I had to fill out paperwork and then waived my 30 day waiting period.  I don't need 30 days to think about it. I've been thinking about it before I got pregnant with Georgiana, and it was something Doug and I have talked about already.  One more, we said.
  The nurse giving the lecture said that we need to be 100% sure of what I am doing and repeatedly stressed that this decision is mine and that no one should be making it for me.  No one is making this decision for me. In fact, Doug would prefer to go under the knife instead of me (bless his heart).  I have made my decision and I have decided that since I am done getting pregnant and having babies that I am the one that needs to go in and do the sterilization.  Am I 100% sure as the nurse said? No. But I never will be.  Making babies and giving birth has been the most amazing things I have ever accomplished. I can MAKE PEOPLE! I don't care what stupid-human-trick you have, you can't top that one. It is an amazing thing that women can do. If I was 10 years younger I'd have half a dozen more. But I'm not. And we'd like to retire one day.  I have five happy, healthy daughters and I am blessed. Can I say with 100% certainty that I don't want any more babies? No. What I can say is that my family is complete.  I have an amazing husband that is the best father any woman could ask a man to be to her children and who loves me more than I deserve.  My girls are my light and my world. 
When the scheduling office from the hospital called and scheduled the procedure for next week I had to sit for a minute and process.  I am anxious. I am changing a fundamental process in my body. I am altering the way my body functions as a woman.  I will no longer be able to create and sustain a life with my womb. There is a sadness in that.  While all women come to a point in their reproductive lives where this happens, I am forcing the issue. This will not slowly happen over a long period of time as I get older, instead it will be over a couple months after a visit to my doctor. 
Even now, after the decisions and the appointment have been made there is doubt. As it stands I would be on birth control for rest of my reproductive life trying to prevent a pregnancy.  I have no intention or desire to have another baby.  However, if I was told tomorrow I was pregnant I would be happy and would celebrate. Being a mother and having the ability to be a mother has been the greatest gift I have been given. 
There will be sadness as well as relief. There will a bit of grief as I, with intention and forethought, close a chapter of my life.  There will also be celebration as I wait for the new beginning that it will bring, although I'm not yet sure what that will mean.