So I've decided to come on back over to blogger. It's easier. For some reason having the website seems like work. And I don't like work. Especially work I don't get paid for. And while it's not really all that hard to post there, there just seems to be something different... something missing there that has kept it from being what I had here. I'll keep the website up and running and probably link the blog posts from here until I just don't anymore. When I think of it - if I think of it. This seems like extended Facebook posts, with the website I feel like if I'm not putting out something well thought out and coherent then I'm doing it wrong. Me, well thought out and coherent? Yeah, not so much.
The last year has been a whirlwind I'd rather not experience again. And while I am working slowly on getting my balance back I find that the soothing act of just writing has lost some of its flow. Things here are in full swing of chaos-induced-normalcy. I feel like a storm chaser most days; Like I'm trying desperately to make sense of some raging act of God that is more random and harder to predict than the current power-ball numbers.
So here I am again. I can't wait to see what happens next.
Brandy
Monday, July 16, 2012
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Blended but Not Quite Smooth
Having a blended family is not what one would call easy. Most of the
time things run without a hitch. Then there are the other times.
When Doug and I got together and decided that we wanted to make this thing permanent we did so with eyes wide... squinted, really. A new relationship always comes with its own baggage. We both did. Having been married before we came together with a lot of our own issues. We both spent time making the other pay for sins that weren't theirs and through trial, error, and a whole lot of miscommunication managed to get past it. I am not She and he is not Him and we've managed to go down that road fairly smoothly. A decade or so worth of conditioned responses did not always have the outcome that was expected. We learned and we grew and our relationship is stronger for it.
The biggest difference we had was children. I came into this with three children and 12 years of parenting experience behind me. Being young, and for a good portion of the stretch, on my own, I had done things a certain way without interference. Mine was a tightly run ship with no margin for error. It was my way or the Gypsies - you pick. I learned quickly as a single mother that there was no room for complacency. In two parent households you can run the good cop/bad cop in a somewhat alternating fashion without running into a loss of control. When there is only one cop the game changes and you must be one all of the time or risk a reign of chaos you can not get a handle on. A common saying became "What I say, when I say it, the way I say it". Without such strict order all could be lost. Let's face it, I was (and still am) outnumbered. This was met with a mix of shock and awe. I got comments that ranged from "I'm amazed at your strength - good job. Glad you're not my mom!" to "Your parenting makes us uncomfortable, do you think you're too hard?". Most days I am secure in my parenting choices. I only need to watch my children in any public or social situation to know I did the right thing. Bad behavior was punished swiftly and fiercely, and the results are evident. Other days I am wracked with Mommy-Guilt.
In walks this man willing to step in and step up without qualms of taking on three children not of his making. He quietly and unceremoniously steps in to help lighten the load. I warned him. I tried to disillusion him to the joys of this family that he was about to make and I was met with a patience that I hadn't known existed. Mine was a world of chaos and he sought to bring order and balance to the control I had such a tenuous death-grip on. And ever so slightly, I let go. Sort of.
We made Mine into Ours and then added two more little humans into the mix. I'd like to say it all runs smoothly. I'd give my new boobs to be able to say that we have become this cohesive unit that runs as if it was always this way, but it's not. When I started dating again I refused to date men with children. All of the reasons, all of the fears, and all of the struggles I was unwilling to deal with are becoming a reality in my own home. It took five years for these to be vocalized to me. I am at a loss.
The biggest problem we are running into is a disparity in the way the older girls respond to us. They often will ask who they think will give the best answer. Can I go, can I have, is not asked of who is more convenient or available. This is something that all parents deal with. I did it as a teenager. I know Doug did, too. But there is a wound there that will not allow this explanation to be a salve.
Then there is the attitude. First, let me say, these are teenage GIRLS! Attitude is everything. And without it I'm pretty sure there would be a irreparable rift in the universe that would cause the earth to implode. The vacuum created by the lack of exaggerated sighs alone could cause satellites to suddenly fall from their orbits. Unfortunately the issues lies in the girls giving Doug an attitude that they would never dream of giving me. But without the 12 years of previous dictatorship under his belt it's difficult to be on a level playing field. I'm sure it's the same attitude that teachers, coaches, and other authority figures get. But detention, benching, or privilege-revoking are not the deterrents that a lifetime of ingrained obedience is. I believe their response to me vs other authority figures is muscle memory. In the same way I may learn to be fluent in another language, at this point in my life I will never learn to think in Icelandic. I will always think in English first and respond in Icelandic in a probably less than ideal way. This is how the girls respond with Doug. This isn't fair. But I don't know how to change it. I struggle - we struggle.
I am not without my own fault in this. I tend to step in when I shouldn't. I make decisions without consulting and just generally take over when I really should step back. I know this is not a struggle I make alone. I'm sure this is a commonality everyone with a blended family wishes we didn't share. All I can do is try to be conscious of this and do the best I can to make it easier on all of us.
I hope my husband can continue to be patient with me. I hope my children listen when I try to explain this to them. One way or another, it will all work out. I only hope it's for the best.
When Doug and I got together and decided that we wanted to make this thing permanent we did so with eyes wide... squinted, really. A new relationship always comes with its own baggage. We both did. Having been married before we came together with a lot of our own issues. We both spent time making the other pay for sins that weren't theirs and through trial, error, and a whole lot of miscommunication managed to get past it. I am not She and he is not Him and we've managed to go down that road fairly smoothly. A decade or so worth of conditioned responses did not always have the outcome that was expected. We learned and we grew and our relationship is stronger for it.
The biggest difference we had was children. I came into this with three children and 12 years of parenting experience behind me. Being young, and for a good portion of the stretch, on my own, I had done things a certain way without interference. Mine was a tightly run ship with no margin for error. It was my way or the Gypsies - you pick. I learned quickly as a single mother that there was no room for complacency. In two parent households you can run the good cop/bad cop in a somewhat alternating fashion without running into a loss of control. When there is only one cop the game changes and you must be one all of the time or risk a reign of chaos you can not get a handle on. A common saying became "What I say, when I say it, the way I say it". Without such strict order all could be lost. Let's face it, I was (and still am) outnumbered. This was met with a mix of shock and awe. I got comments that ranged from "I'm amazed at your strength - good job. Glad you're not my mom!" to "Your parenting makes us uncomfortable, do you think you're too hard?". Most days I am secure in my parenting choices. I only need to watch my children in any public or social situation to know I did the right thing. Bad behavior was punished swiftly and fiercely, and the results are evident. Other days I am wracked with Mommy-Guilt.
In walks this man willing to step in and step up without qualms of taking on three children not of his making. He quietly and unceremoniously steps in to help lighten the load. I warned him. I tried to disillusion him to the joys of this family that he was about to make and I was met with a patience that I hadn't known existed. Mine was a world of chaos and he sought to bring order and balance to the control I had such a tenuous death-grip on. And ever so slightly, I let go. Sort of.
We made Mine into Ours and then added two more little humans into the mix. I'd like to say it all runs smoothly. I'd give my new boobs to be able to say that we have become this cohesive unit that runs as if it was always this way, but it's not. When I started dating again I refused to date men with children. All of the reasons, all of the fears, and all of the struggles I was unwilling to deal with are becoming a reality in my own home. It took five years for these to be vocalized to me. I am at a loss.
The biggest problem we are running into is a disparity in the way the older girls respond to us. They often will ask who they think will give the best answer. Can I go, can I have, is not asked of who is more convenient or available. This is something that all parents deal with. I did it as a teenager. I know Doug did, too. But there is a wound there that will not allow this explanation to be a salve.
Then there is the attitude. First, let me say, these are teenage GIRLS! Attitude is everything. And without it I'm pretty sure there would be a irreparable rift in the universe that would cause the earth to implode. The vacuum created by the lack of exaggerated sighs alone could cause satellites to suddenly fall from their orbits. Unfortunately the issues lies in the girls giving Doug an attitude that they would never dream of giving me. But without the 12 years of previous dictatorship under his belt it's difficult to be on a level playing field. I'm sure it's the same attitude that teachers, coaches, and other authority figures get. But detention, benching, or privilege-revoking are not the deterrents that a lifetime of ingrained obedience is. I believe their response to me vs other authority figures is muscle memory. In the same way I may learn to be fluent in another language, at this point in my life I will never learn to think in Icelandic. I will always think in English first and respond in Icelandic in a probably less than ideal way. This is how the girls respond with Doug. This isn't fair. But I don't know how to change it. I struggle - we struggle.
I am not without my own fault in this. I tend to step in when I shouldn't. I make decisions without consulting and just generally take over when I really should step back. I know this is not a struggle I make alone. I'm sure this is a commonality everyone with a blended family wishes we didn't share. All I can do is try to be conscious of this and do the best I can to make it easier on all of us.
I hope my husband can continue to be patient with me. I hope my children listen when I try to explain this to them. One way or another, it will all work out. I only hope it's for the best.
Thursday, April 19, 2012
From Baby Booties to Yellow Footprints
She took her ASVAB (Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery) last month and got her scores back a couple of weeks ago. She did pretty well. I've always talked to the girls about joining the military. I am not a big believer in parents paying for college. It's great if you can, but I think a higher education is a privilege. If you want to go to college you're going to have to work for it. I've always stressed to my girls that if they want to go to college their best option was to join the military. If they join they go to school for "free". Yes, they have to work. Yes, they could potentially be put in some less than safe/ideal situations. But, the military will pay for your education as long as you are enlisted. I've explained that I would not be able or willing to pay for their college education. So, better to put on a uniform they can be proud of, go to work, and get your school paid for. It's either that or put on a McDonald's uniform, go to work, and hope you can pay for school. Even if they don't want to go to college join anyway. No one else is going to provide you with a job and food and a place to live. It's a good option kid, and unless you can come up with something better ...
So after taking her ASVAB and getting the scores back we took a trip to the recruiters' office. We had talked about it for a long time and there really wasn't any preference from one branch to the other. Monday the Army guys had PT (physical training); we talked to the Navy who said that they couldn't do anything until she was officially a senior. That left the Marine Corps. We went in and talked to the nice Staff Sargent there. She laid it all out for Krystyne. She basically explained all that she would be getting out of her service. Not only money for school, but pride in herself and personal accomplishment. She showed her the money - which isn't much - but when you're looking at that or minimum wage at McDonald's and living at home it seems like the damn lotto! I was impressed with the questions Krystyne asked and the answers she gave to questions asked of her. She had real reasons that at some point she had been thinking about. Her "future" was not just some magical-mystical thing that we we always bothering her about, it had become something she was actively thinking about and really figuring out what that was going to look like.
When the recruiter asked
her if she was willing to make the commitment to the Marine Corps I held
my breath. I wasn't expecting a solid answer. She's 17. But when she
said "Yes, I do" I had to contain myself and not cry (and I didn't - yay
me!). That was one of those defining life moments. The ones you can
point at and say "My Life Changed In" kind of moments. That was the most
adult decision she has ever made. And I am PROUD! The best part is she
is proud of herself. In two weeks she leaves for her medical processing. Two days spent seeing every kind of doctor there is to make sure she is fit for military service. I'm scared to death. I think this will be my normal state from here on out - the new hum in the background. Your children growing up and moving out is always going to happen. You know it. You live with it and sometimes look forward to it. But now there is a looming date; or there will be soon.
In just over a year I will be putting my little girl on a plane and I will get back a Marine. She will stand on the yellow footprints of Parris Island, SC and finish the transition from child to adult - she will begin the transition from civilian to Marine.
DEAR LORD!
I have started my research. It's what I do when faced with any unknown. I read. I look up. I read some more. I look at books, and blogs, and chats, and message boards. I talk to everyone I can think of or find. This is the most unknown for me. When I send her off I will not be able to go with her. I will not be there to help her and offer her strength that she will need more than any time in her life. So from now until then I have to give her all that I can. I have to arm her with the most information I can cram in her pretty little head. I have to help strengthen her body. I have to tell her, show her and remind her every day that no matter what I will be there in her heart. I have to stop friggin' crying every time I think about this. I downloaded the Family Guide to Parris Island. It's an 11 page PDF that is a very basic walk through of what they should expect and what we, as parents, should and should not do. I cried through the whole thing. I looked up the books they suggest and will be ordering them. And I cried sitting on Amazon thinking of the books about Marine life that I will be ordering for my daughter. I sit here writing this and I have had to stop to wipe tears at least a dozen times.
I will keep this updated with what's going on in this amazing journey as I see it and work through it.
One day soon I will be able to stand proud and say "I raised a United States Marine". Today I stand proud and say I am raising Krystyne.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Time to Refocus
I've been restless lately. I've been trying to figure out what's been
causing it and trying to figure out how to fix it. What I've figured out
is I've not been taking enough time for myself. Not just quiet coffee
time or time to relax, but no time to do anything for Me.
When you're up to your eyeballs in kids and work and home and and and and... you tend to let your self get lost in the shuffle. I've decided that the time I don't take for myself is just causing more chaos. There's no time to get my head on straight. There's no focus. There's no chance to see that everything is not falling apart when I feel like I am.
I am very lucky. I have a husband who understands how important this is. When he comes home at the end of the day and all the kids are alive and well the fact that the house is a mess, dinner is still only an idea I had once goes fairly unnoticed. I've managed to pass the laundry on to him and the bulk of the chores in the house to the kids, yet I still feel like I'm not accomplishing anything in a day. Fiona is in daycare full time. Where is my focus? I should have it all together and I don't. It's been bothering me. I've struggled getting everything done. I've struggled keeping my emotions in check. I've just been locked in chaos and trying to figure out how to get out of this spiral.
So I decided it's time to refocus my attention back on myself. We've been here for about nine months now and I really haven't made many friends. I sent email requests to some Meetup groups. Time to dive back into the Mommy-Group-Circut. While I had a really bad first experience in the setting I was able to turn it around and met some of the most amazing women. I miss my circle of friends and the comfort they provided. I enrolled everyone in the local YMCA and have only once used the facilities. It's time to kick it up a notch. I've lost a good amount of weight since we've been in California but it's time to actually get myself in shape. We have a pool and I want to be able to use it without embarrassment. I want to be able to look at pictures of gatherings where I thought I looked awesome when I left the house and not wonder how I gained 10lbs between the house and the car!
My belief is that if I can focus more on myself then I can be a better mommy and a better wife. If I concentrate on the woman then I can more adeptly handle the tasks my family need me to. I don't believe in putting everyone's needs above my own because then they are not getting the best of me. I think every woman/mother/wife should make sure her needs are met so she is better equipped to deal with the needs of her family. And yet I'm failing to do that myself. So here I go. Head first into caring for ME. Into being better to myself. I need to figure out specific goals.
What would you do if you could? Where would your personal work-shop start? What is something important to you that you let get lost in the shuffle?
When you're up to your eyeballs in kids and work and home and and and and... you tend to let your self get lost in the shuffle. I've decided that the time I don't take for myself is just causing more chaos. There's no time to get my head on straight. There's no focus. There's no chance to see that everything is not falling apart when I feel like I am.
I am very lucky. I have a husband who understands how important this is. When he comes home at the end of the day and all the kids are alive and well the fact that the house is a mess, dinner is still only an idea I had once goes fairly unnoticed. I've managed to pass the laundry on to him and the bulk of the chores in the house to the kids, yet I still feel like I'm not accomplishing anything in a day. Fiona is in daycare full time. Where is my focus? I should have it all together and I don't. It's been bothering me. I've struggled getting everything done. I've struggled keeping my emotions in check. I've just been locked in chaos and trying to figure out how to get out of this spiral.
So I decided it's time to refocus my attention back on myself. We've been here for about nine months now and I really haven't made many friends. I sent email requests to some Meetup groups. Time to dive back into the Mommy-Group-Circut. While I had a really bad first experience in the setting I was able to turn it around and met some of the most amazing women. I miss my circle of friends and the comfort they provided. I enrolled everyone in the local YMCA and have only once used the facilities. It's time to kick it up a notch. I've lost a good amount of weight since we've been in California but it's time to actually get myself in shape. We have a pool and I want to be able to use it without embarrassment. I want to be able to look at pictures of gatherings where I thought I looked awesome when I left the house and not wonder how I gained 10lbs between the house and the car!
My belief is that if I can focus more on myself then I can be a better mommy and a better wife. If I concentrate on the woman then I can more adeptly handle the tasks my family need me to. I don't believe in putting everyone's needs above my own because then they are not getting the best of me. I think every woman/mother/wife should make sure her needs are met so she is better equipped to deal with the needs of her family. And yet I'm failing to do that myself. So here I go. Head first into caring for ME. Into being better to myself. I need to figure out specific goals.
What would you do if you could? Where would your personal work-shop start? What is something important to you that you let get lost in the shuffle?
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Long Time No See
I can't believe how long it's been since I've been here. It seems that life has gotten in the way of writing about life.
We've settled into the new house - sort of. I still need to get pictures on the walls and the kitchen (more) organized but for the most part we're settled.
The girls are doing fantastic. They keep me running most days. But I love it .
Recently the older girls and I took a trip to Las Vegas to visit with my friend Daniel. It was a much needed vacation and break from routine. During dinner we had a great conversation about life and what we're doing and where we're going. What our goals are and what we're dreaming about. I mentioned something about getting a "real job" once Fiona and Georgiana are school age. We talked about what ideas I have and what I want to do. Honestly it's not really all that amazing. There's no real life-dream thing that I want to do. I felt foolish at 35 still having the "I-don't-know-what-I-want-to-do-with-my-life" conversation. I love this blog (not that you can tell from the amount I post or anything) and I'd love to take up photography with some kind of seriousness. Baking has always been something I enjoyed and we once toyed with the idea of owning a bakery. But, for the most part, I don't have much of a Bucket List. (My Lord I'm boring!)
This conversation was something that really bothered me. I percolated in my brain for the rest of the night and well into the next day. The thought that came back time and time again was "I have all I want". But there has to be more... Doesn't there? The more I thought about it the more I realized that no, what I have and where I am is enough. I have FIVE beautiful, healthy, and fun kids. Five. I have a husband that adores me. Even when he shouldn't - let's be honest, I'm kind of a pain in the ass. I have a house I love (with a pool!), enough money to manage, a running vehicle, food on the table, clothes in the closet. I am able to give my kids what they need - love, attention, discipline, full bellies. I am content.
When I was growing up things were not ideal. My parents all had issues that didn't leave much room for me. At times I'm angry. At times I'm resigned. For the most part I've come to understand that my parents are human and even though I had to suffer through their mistakes it was no fault of mine. I knew early on that I did not want to make the same mistakes with my children that were made with me and I feel like I've done a pretty good job on that. Not that I haven't made mistakes. I'm far from perfect, but I feel like I've done my absolute best with my children. And the older I get and the more experience as a mother I have the better I feel about what I'm doing.
My point in this is that I had the realization that I AM doing what I love. I am living the dream, so to speak. What I will do when the littlest girls are finally in school and I have the time and attention span for a "real job" when the time comes is still up in the air. I have ideas. I have things that I think I could do for the next 25 years. But the time for decisions is not now. Now I get to enjoy this dream "job" that I have. It's not easy, there's no days off, there's no sick-days and the pay sucks; but they benefits are nothing short of extraordinary!
I am making a point to get back here regularly to update and write and use the part of my brain that this satisfies more often. I miss it.I hope that I haven't lost both of the people that stop by to see what's going on and peek in my virtual medicine cabinet.
Remember to count your blessings and realize that you may be closer to living the dream than you think you are.
We've settled into the new house - sort of. I still need to get pictures on the walls and the kitchen (more) organized but for the most part we're settled.
The girls are doing fantastic. They keep me running most days. But I love it .
Recently the older girls and I took a trip to Las Vegas to visit with my friend Daniel. It was a much needed vacation and break from routine. During dinner we had a great conversation about life and what we're doing and where we're going. What our goals are and what we're dreaming about. I mentioned something about getting a "real job" once Fiona and Georgiana are school age. We talked about what ideas I have and what I want to do. Honestly it's not really all that amazing. There's no real life-dream thing that I want to do. I felt foolish at 35 still having the "I-don't-know-what-I-want-to-do-with-my-life" conversation. I love this blog (not that you can tell from the amount I post or anything) and I'd love to take up photography with some kind of seriousness. Baking has always been something I enjoyed and we once toyed with the idea of owning a bakery. But, for the most part, I don't have much of a Bucket List. (My Lord I'm boring!)
This conversation was something that really bothered me. I percolated in my brain for the rest of the night and well into the next day. The thought that came back time and time again was "I have all I want". But there has to be more... Doesn't there? The more I thought about it the more I realized that no, what I have and where I am is enough. I have FIVE beautiful, healthy, and fun kids. Five. I have a husband that adores me. Even when he shouldn't - let's be honest, I'm kind of a pain in the ass. I have a house I love (with a pool!), enough money to manage, a running vehicle, food on the table, clothes in the closet. I am able to give my kids what they need - love, attention, discipline, full bellies. I am content.
When I was growing up things were not ideal. My parents all had issues that didn't leave much room for me. At times I'm angry. At times I'm resigned. For the most part I've come to understand that my parents are human and even though I had to suffer through their mistakes it was no fault of mine. I knew early on that I did not want to make the same mistakes with my children that were made with me and I feel like I've done a pretty good job on that. Not that I haven't made mistakes. I'm far from perfect, but I feel like I've done my absolute best with my children. And the older I get and the more experience as a mother I have the better I feel about what I'm doing.
My point in this is that I had the realization that I AM doing what I love. I am living the dream, so to speak. What I will do when the littlest girls are finally in school and I have the time and attention span for a "real job" when the time comes is still up in the air. I have ideas. I have things that I think I could do for the next 25 years. But the time for decisions is not now. Now I get to enjoy this dream "job" that I have. It's not easy, there's no days off, there's no sick-days and the pay sucks; but they benefits are nothing short of extraordinary!
I am making a point to get back here regularly to update and write and use the part of my brain that this satisfies more often. I miss it.I hope that I haven't lost both of the people that stop by to see what's going on and peek in my virtual medicine cabinet.
Remember to count your blessings and realize that you may be closer to living the dream than you think you are.
Monday, January 16, 2012
On The Move
Well, we're at it again. Moving. Ugh. I could really do without it but
it's one of those necessary evils. When we first moved down to
California for Doug's job we moved into my aunt's rental house. It's a
great little house. But it's a little house. Of course most things are
for a family of our size...
We wanted to have our dog, Maggie, back and my aunt didn't want pets here. I get it. I don't think I'd be interested in having someone's pets in a house I owned. You just never know. So we looked for something a little bigger that would support our family - both two and four legged ones. We found a great house not far from the girls' school that would allow us to have our dog and had a pool! I think I'm most excited about the pool. It's either that or the dishwasher. Again, with a family this size, a dishwasher is a must have item. So we're ready to move this weekend.
I can say that I am not dreading this move nearly as much as I have other moves. Truthfully Doug and I haven't really moved much. We moved in together and then to California. Not moving has been nice. I moved so much during my first marriage that we never seemed to get settled. Now we're only moving a few miles, staying within the girls' school district and signing a two year lease. So this will be it for a while. I think I might be thinking this is going to be easier than it really will be. I haven't done any packing so far and I'm not really sure we're going to be doing all that much anyway. The Thursday before we actually bring in the truck and get all the big crap I'll be moving a bunch of stuff in my Excursion. It'll be mainly clothes and bathroom and kitchen stuff. The things we need to actually live with while we unpack and settle in. I am really looking forward to the move. Not the work, mind you, but the move itself. We've been here six months and it's never really felt like ours. It was a transitional stop from the beginning and that's a hard place to live.
In the five-plus years that Doug and I have been together we've always been planning for something. First a wedding, then a baby, then another baby, and then a long distance move. While we've done well and kept our head's on it seems like we haven't had much of a chance to just be. Now we are getting that chance. To be intentionally stationary and with no other plans other than to live our life will be something different for me. I'm looking forward to finding out what life like that is like. We are a busy family. With active kids and jobs that require attention being able to relax and find stability in our surroundings is nice. We will finally be able to fully reap the benefits that the move here initially promised. I'll try and post pictures of the house as we get settled. I'm excited to share the new future we're not planing for.
We wanted to have our dog, Maggie, back and my aunt didn't want pets here. I get it. I don't think I'd be interested in having someone's pets in a house I owned. You just never know. So we looked for something a little bigger that would support our family - both two and four legged ones. We found a great house not far from the girls' school that would allow us to have our dog and had a pool! I think I'm most excited about the pool. It's either that or the dishwasher. Again, with a family this size, a dishwasher is a must have item. So we're ready to move this weekend.
I can say that I am not dreading this move nearly as much as I have other moves. Truthfully Doug and I haven't really moved much. We moved in together and then to California. Not moving has been nice. I moved so much during my first marriage that we never seemed to get settled. Now we're only moving a few miles, staying within the girls' school district and signing a two year lease. So this will be it for a while. I think I might be thinking this is going to be easier than it really will be. I haven't done any packing so far and I'm not really sure we're going to be doing all that much anyway. The Thursday before we actually bring in the truck and get all the big crap I'll be moving a bunch of stuff in my Excursion. It'll be mainly clothes and bathroom and kitchen stuff. The things we need to actually live with while we unpack and settle in. I am really looking forward to the move. Not the work, mind you, but the move itself. We've been here six months and it's never really felt like ours. It was a transitional stop from the beginning and that's a hard place to live.
In the five-plus years that Doug and I have been together we've always been planning for something. First a wedding, then a baby, then another baby, and then a long distance move. While we've done well and kept our head's on it seems like we haven't had much of a chance to just be. Now we are getting that chance. To be intentionally stationary and with no other plans other than to live our life will be something different for me. I'm looking forward to finding out what life like that is like. We are a busy family. With active kids and jobs that require attention being able to relax and find stability in our surroundings is nice. We will finally be able to fully reap the benefits that the move here initially promised. I'll try and post pictures of the house as we get settled. I'm excited to share the new future we're not planing for.
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
I'm Back
Well, maybe "back" isn't exactly right. Back would mean that I was gone. I wasn't gone, I just wasn't here.
And in all truthfulness that was really probably best. I wasn't in a
good place. I wasn't in a good writing place.The blog posts in my head
were depressing even to me and I just couldn't bring myself to put it
all out there. Not in a vulnerability kind of way, but more of a
no-one-wants-to-read-this-shit kind of way. In a
I-don't-even-want-to-type-this-shit kind of way!
Honestly it was all ridiculous. The blow up that I was expecting between me and my mom happened. There's no way to leave at 21 and come home at 34 and not have it happen. And it was more than just that. It was the expectations I was failing to live up to, the family functions I was expected to attend at the cost of my own family traditions (Christmas). Add my own craziness that comes from living in chaos in a house that just won't ever feel like mine and I just had to shut the lid on the laptop for a while. But here I am feeling a little bit better and the holidays behind me and ready to do it all over again.
I miss it here. I miss my little piece of cyber-space and both the people that read this thing. I am feeling the urge to write again. I am feeling the words pour though my head and look for a page to call home. So even though we have a TON going on, as always, I feel like I'm "back". Or maybe - more accurately - still here. Still standing. And still rambling on. Thanks for hanging around.
Honestly it was all ridiculous. The blow up that I was expecting between me and my mom happened. There's no way to leave at 21 and come home at 34 and not have it happen. And it was more than just that. It was the expectations I was failing to live up to, the family functions I was expected to attend at the cost of my own family traditions (Christmas). Add my own craziness that comes from living in chaos in a house that just won't ever feel like mine and I just had to shut the lid on the laptop for a while. But here I am feeling a little bit better and the holidays behind me and ready to do it all over again.
I miss it here. I miss my little piece of cyber-space and both the people that read this thing. I am feeling the urge to write again. I am feeling the words pour though my head and look for a page to call home. So even though we have a TON going on, as always, I feel like I'm "back". Or maybe - more accurately - still here. Still standing. And still rambling on. Thanks for hanging around.
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