Life Happens

I'm up way too early on a Saturday as usual. And I'm working. As usual. But, my reports pretty much run themselves and I'm not terribly productive or proactive at 6am. I've played all my lives on Candy Crush, read through my newsfeed - more than once. I thought about doing the dishes. No really, I did. Then I realized there was no getting my butt out of this chair except to get more coffee, and that cup is full. I started reading through my old bookmarked blogs. I love The Bloggess, she's really awesome but if you're easily offended skip it. I stop there every morning and part of my routine. There are others too but that's where I started this morning. I started going back through my old Blog Favorites folder and realized that most of them are gone! It's been a while since I've looked at some of them (last post in 2011? Really? Huh.) but I was kind of sad to find them not waiting for my return.
It got me thinking about my own blog here. Honestly I've kind of let it slip. While it was never something I wanted to make a living from, it was a much needed extension of my mental health. Whoa does that explain a lot. For a lot of it I've not shared things that are just too personal. While I admire those bloggers that I read that are sharing their crippling depression and new found love for Xanax (I don't judge. Been there. Amen to modern pharmaceuticals and their ability to return life when it's been sucked through your eyeballs) I'm not there. I have been and so I get it. Sometimes it's just me, and the overwhelming life that comes from having five kids, a gigantic dog, and an ailing father. I don't want to listen to myself whine, why the hell would the other two people that read this thing care?
There is joy, too. The amazing feeling of completeness that my children bring. Because, along with the fact that they make me bat-shit crazy, I love my children like nothing else! I would sacrifice anything for them and their happiness. Sometimes there are just so damn many of them. What falls short is the ability to share and analyze all that they make me feel. The moments are so precious. Even the ones that have me screaming like a crazy person. I am always learning and growing as a parent and as a person. This shit is hard, yo! Maybe I should share more of that. We are not alone in this, even though it often feels that way.
I'm a little scattered, too. I have grand plans and, sometimes, very little follow-through. It's not from a place of malice, or irresponsibility. It's a creative side that has yet to be adequately tapped. It's needing something to call my own in the midst of the chaos that is my life, it's a desire to take on everything and having to let the things with lesser importance drop. It's part of who I am. Love it or hate it, it's something that just has to be dealt with. Honestly I'm a little a LOT self conscious about it and am hesitant to get too excited about any one thing on the highly likely chance that my life will take over my passion. It happens. And often.
My point? Oh hell, who knows? I am ever evolving, and I hope that my blog is showing that. At least to some degree. This is really for my recollection. That is what I need to remember most of all. There will be a time when I will look back and this can be a reminder of how the kids were, how I was, how my family was. That is what I need to remember when deciding to (or not) share something. I need to make the time to keep this up (I know I've said it before) if for no other reason than prosperity's sake.
Oh look, my coffee cup is empty...

Flowers for Mama

Sometimes all it takes to make the day what you needed it to be is a toddler with a few "unsupervised" minutes and a mason jar.
"Look Mama, I brought you a flower!"
"Look Mama, here's another flower! That's TWO!"
"Mama, you have to put it in the water"
"Here's another flower Mama. Put it in the water. How many are there? One. Two. Three. Four.  Aren't they beautiful?"

Yes, Fiona. They are beautiful flowers.
"They're ROSES Mama".
They are beautiful roses, Fiona.

Thank you for reminding me how something so simple and beautiful can make my whole day.

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Well, That sucked!

Leaving Washington this time was hard. Really hard. Like oh-my-God-what-the-hell-am –I-doing hard.  I’ve been gearing up for the last few weeks. Saying goodbye to friends has left me exhausted.  The logistics up until the last few days were a nightmare.  Doug’s work schedule meant no down time and (barely more than) no help.  But the day finally came. Getting out of town didn’t go as I had planned.  We were five hours behind “schedule” when I finally locked up the house for the last time.

And that’s when it hit me.

Locking up the house for the last time hit me in a way that I wasn’t expecting.  It hit me harder than anything.  It took me longer than was reasonable to close the door for that final time.  Managing not to put my head down on the steering wheel and bawl for a good long time was one of my better feats of self-control.  Had we gotten married in the back yard or had a home birth there – both of which we thought about – I don’t know how I could’ve pulled myself away.  That house has a lot of history for us. That’s the first place we ever lived together. We had our first fight and came home from our wedding night. We created and lost life, labored and brought home babies. My dog died there for crying out loud!  We truly became a family in that house. I would have happily bought it and lived in it for the rest of my life.

I stood there with my hand on the door knob and I cried.  I let the memories and the tears come.  I looked at my husband, standing in the yard waiting for me and he smiled.  So, I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and closed the door for the last time. 

May the next chapter be as wonderful!

It's a Small, Small World

The internet has suddenly made the world tiny. I've had repeated conversations with friends that have found - or been found by - random people from the past.  Old boyfriends/girlfriends, high school pal, or just people they've known and lost track of. I've looked up people myself.  I had one of those experiences myself recently.
I was reading through my facebook page and saw that one of my friends had just become friends with a name I found familiar. It's a common name and I figured it was just a coincidence. It didn't seem possible that this particular person from my past could be friends with this fairly new friend.  So I clicked on the link and there was a picture and it was in fact the old flame I thought it was.  I've talked to a couple people about it and they've said I should email or say hello. But I don't really want to. We had an odd relationship, and to resurface that 15+ years later seems silly. Plus our mutual friend has close ties with someone I grew up with and I don't know how much of that time I am willing to rehash.  There's nothing particularly bad or dark that I want to hide, there's no real skeleton that I'm interested in keeping in a closet.  I made pivital decisions during that time and I don't want to go back.  The flame burned fast and bright and I'd rather remember him as he was at 20 that know who he is now at almost 40.
Fast cars, ocean air and lots of laughs make for good memories. I wish him the best and hope that his life has turned out as well as he had hoped it would.
I know mine has.