Friday, August 12, 2011


Wow, it's been almost a month! I don't know where all my time is going. It sure doesn't seem like it's been that long.  Let's see if I can't get better at this.
Being back in California has been a bit surreal. What I've found most difficult is suddenly being surrounded by a lot of memories I would just a soon forget.  I keep looking for the Ghost of Christmas Past showing me all of the crap I did from about 14 on. Doug says "we all have things we've done that we're embarrassed about".  Embarrassed doesn't seem to cover it. I've been told "these are the things that have made you into the person you are today." Yeah, I get that. But it doesn't mean I want to be sitting next to Ebenezer, either! It's going to take some getting used to.  I don't have a lot of really fond memories growing up here.  There are some, but the strongest ones seem to be the awful ones that just jump right out at you.  We lived in the projects. I rarely had friends over because they weren't willing to come to my neighborhood to visit.  My parents had their own shit going on. While I've never forgotten, I've been faced with why I left every time I get in the car.  Doug doesn't get it.  But, I'm glad he doesn't and it's part of what I love about him. He doesn't have a lot of this shit he carries around.  I didn't think I was carrying it either but I think it just kind of popped out of where I stuffed it. 
I know that it'll get easier. Hell, it has to. And I will create memories here with my own family that will wash away the bad ones that seem to be creeping around every corner.  But that all takes time and I'm just not there yet.  But I will be. I know I have to.  Soon. 

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