I know it's been a while. I just hit a rough patch. I've actually been rough-drafting in my head the last few days and trying to carve out a moment to get it out. I feel like it's been all Doom and Gloom around here lately and not nearly enough positive stuff. That's what I was working on. I swear.
This is not that post. I don't think it's all Doom and Gloom but I won't be blowing little bits of sunshine up your ass either.
I had my 20 week ultrasound today. And yes, it's a girl.
I cried. OK truthfully, I bawled. I managed to wait until the tech got out of the room before I actually sobbed. My husband is grinning like an 8 year old with a double-scoop ice cream cone and all I can do is put my head in my hands and cry. Don't get me wrong - I am happy to be having a baby at all. I am blessed to be having my 5th baby! But my dreams of having a son have just vanished.
I think most women want a little girl to do girlie stuff with. I've always wanted boys. I don't know why, but since I was a little girl I remember wanting boys. I think it stems from a childhood of feeling trapped in frilly dresses for every fricken holiday and not being able to run and play. Meanwhile, my cousin was free to run amok and get dirty. It wasn't "lady-like". I couldn't get dirt on my dress. I couldn't snag my tights or scuff my shoes. You can't go on the monkey bars in a dress. I wanted to BE a boy so I thought the next best thing would be to have boys of my own. Then I became a teenager and decided I never wanted to go through that.
I guess God has a sense of humor after all. More than just the platypus, I have five daughters. Very. Fricken. Funny.
I feel like such a horrible person. Instead of excited for the possibilities I'm trying to find acceptance. Honestly there's a lot of joy that just got sucked out of this pregnancy for me. I know it will pass, but right now it's not fun anymore. I don't know if I just pinned all my hopes on the possibility of a boy. I sure wasn't expecting this kind of reaction. I'm sick to death of pink and dresses and little tights and shoes with sparkles. I have no interest in hair bows or tutus. The thought of buying one more doll makes me want to hurl. Yes, Fiona loves trucks and blocks and climbing on things. She loves to kick the ball and run as fast as she can and jump around. Still, not the same.
I will never know that special relationship that a mother has with her son. It is something so different from what I have with the girls.
Maybe part of my disappointment comes from the turmoil between Krystyne and I. She's almost 16 and I swear I will happily sell her to the first band of Gypsies I can find. Going through this not three but FOUR more times seem s like more than I can take. I'm not superwoman, I only wear that outfit on special occasions. (wink)
I am raising tomorrow's women. I am teaching our future mothers and wives. What I teach my girls about being a woman and my thoughts on women's issues matter times five! One of my biggest thoughts in my decision to leave my first husband was that I didn't have the marriage I wanted for my daughters. I didn't want them treated the way I was treated. I didn't want them to be the kind of wife and mother I was. It's a lot of fucking pressure and I was really hoping that someone else could take on some of that just for a little while.
I feel like I have cried all that I can cry but I know there's more in there.
I have apologized to my husband repeatedly. I don't want to suck the fun out of this for him, too. He is over the moon about our baby and the sex of that baby isn't important. I am blessed beyond belief to have a husband like I do. We are so in love it's a little nauseating. Even to me. This baby was conceived in love and because of love. (see what I mean, I think I just gagged a little) A healthy baby is the best thing that I can ask for.
I don't want my youngest daughter to ever feel as if she was not wanted with all my heart. I promise you my little one, you are. You are not even born and we love you already. To see your little heart beat today made mine stop. You'll learn soon enough you're Mama is a crazy person. Sorry for that.