Thursday, August 28, 2008

Yes as a matter of fact I do want to be a good mom and live - thanks for asking!!

I took Allie to the doctor today and was talking with the family doctor about my pregnancy. Ideally I would like to have a home birth. The fact that I have had a c-section before complicates matters. There are risks involved and things to consider but I am beyond educated about it - just ask anyone who's been stuck in the room with me for more than 5 minutes in the last 3 months! I know the options, the risks, the dangers, the complications and the good that can come from having a natural birth at home. I know when the risks are increased and what the statistics are for those risks.
The doctor looked at me and said "don't you even think about it! Don't you want to be a good mom and live?" Seriously? Really? Actually I was planning on being a horrible, lifeless mother. Thanks for checking in. What's that saying? Oh yeah - here's your sign!
Then she moved on to asking if I was planning on scheduling my c-section at about 38 weeks. I told her no, I'm not having another c-section unless it's an emergency!
For anyone still reeling from the shock that I am even considering having this baby at home, relax. I'm not going to do anything that would put me or the baby at risk. And Doug would pick my big ol' pregnant butt up and carry me if he thought I was going to do anything stupid.
Yes, if I go into labor early like I'm prone to I will be the first to head off to the hospital ready to succumb to whatever interventions the wish to push on me to prevent the baby from making an early debut. However, once I hit 37 weeks you can bet it will be an act of congress working with God to get me in a hospital outside of a true life-threatening emergency.
This is my baby. This is my body. Unless you put the baby in it you don't get a vote in how I get the baby out!
Doug has been wonderful through all of this. It is an emotional roller coaster that I wouldn't I wouldn't wish on anyone. Standing in the kitchen at one o'clock in the morning crying is not my idea of a good time. Nor Doug's for that matter, which you'd never guess considering that this is how we spend at least one night a week.
Doug's placid, almost stoic-seeming nature has been beyond a blessing sometimes. While there are moments when I want to rage at him for his unflappable composure more often than not it's helpful. (shhh don't let him know that ;-)) His conviction that everything will turn out fine is startling to me. I don't know if with all that we have going on he just doesn't have it in his brain to add this to it or if, as it seems, in his heart of hearts this is what he believes. I asked him "aren't you worried about my labor starting early?".
"why not"
"why should I be? It's different this time"
"Yeah but last time - "
"This isn't last time. It'll be fine."
And then life continues. It's conviction that would be called faith in anyone else. I've been hesitant to make this correlation to him but it is the only thing that fits. I'll take it. Whatever you choose to call it- I'll take it.
So while I'm waiting to be a terrible zombie mom I'll continue my quest to find a midwife that will help me deliver at home. It may cost Doug a kidney, his appendix and possibly his spleen but I think we can live with that. And I'm pretty sure he can too.

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