Wednesday, May 4, 2011

The First Month

I’m told quite frequently “I don’t know how  you do it”. Let me tell you a little secret… I don’t. I’m glad that I am able to have this illusion that I have my shit together. But in all honesty – I don’t. My house is a disaster area, my kids don’t always get the attention they need and I’m snippy with my husband when he doesn’t deserve it. It’s a balancing act and most of the time I’m just trying to keep the shit that falls from breaking. 

It’s been a month since Georgie was born and I keep thinking that at some point I’m going to get it all back together. I’m going to figure out how to have two very small children at home and still be able to be a functioning adult.  I did this before, shouldn’t it be easier this time? Well, no.  When I had Krysty and Allie I was barely 20 and too stupid to realize how bad I was fucking it all up.  I didn’t struggle to prioritize my responsibilities because I wasn’t responsible. If the dishes or laundry didn’t get done or the bills didn’t get paid it didn’t matter. There is some bliss in ignorance.  I feel like I’m dropping friendships and loosing connections because I just can’t find the time to do all that I need to, let alone the things I want to.  I often hear that I need to just relax and everyone gets it. I know I do when it’s someone else.  I don’t hold myself to the same standards or expectations I have for other people. Do any of us? 

I have finally reached the point where I am not in tears every night.   I think hormonally I am starting to balance out even if nothing else is.  I’ve tried telling myself that I need to be on “maternity leave” for at least 12 weeks.  Isn’t that about what everyone else gets? 12 weeks to be home from work with baby and adjust. The problem is that I can’t put my life on hold.  I know that the pressure I am feeling is only what I put on myself. My husband understands. I just wish he would explain it to me so that I do.

It’s hard sometimes to rationalize what you would chastise a friend for doing. I am 25lbs over what I consider and “acceptable” weight. Not a goal or ideal, but acceptable.  I am trying to find where I can fit in some exercise because that 25lbs is making me nuts.  “Seriously, you look great, you just had a baby and you’ve already lost 25lbs, give yourself a break” is what I would tell me if I was my friend. Unfortunately I am not as good of friends with Me as I should be .  “Georgiana’s fed and changed, some extra Mickey Mouse Clubhouse is not going to hurt Fiona, and the older kids should be helping out more”. See, I know  all of this. It’s all the things my husband and friends tell me. But again, expectations are higher and not being met. Things are not getting done.  My excuse of being pregnant and tired and blah blah blah are gone so now what? How do I rationalize turning from one excuse to why I’m not getting things done to another?  Time to buck up and power through. Innovate. Adapt. Overcome. Be easier on myself, breathe and relax. These things do not mesh. Find the middle ground between the wife/mother/woman I want to be and what I am.  Find acceptance in the wife/mother/woman that I am. 

My goals for today are both easy and unattainable. I’m shooting for somewhere between useless and fucking awesome. One thing at a time.  It’s been a month since Georgiana was born and this is where I am.  I can’t believe so much time has past and how short that time really was.  I wonder how the next month will turn out.

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