Thursday, December 24, 2009


I've had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. I haven't gotten the "confirmation" from the doctor but I know it has happened. I've gone from spotting to bleeding. I go in Saturday for another blood test to check hormone levels. At this point I'm just going through the motions.
All that I have done today is go through the motions. I have to believe in my heart that this is for the best. I have to know that this baby was not healthy and was not strong enough. That does not lessen the grief. I have been useless today. Empty. It's Christmas Eve and a horrible time to have to go through this. While we should be celebrating there is an air of sadness to me. I can't help it. I'm missing something. There is something missing in me. Quite literally. While it has only been a couple weeks we have been so excited. We have been congratulated. We have made plans and appointments. There is hope an joy in bring in a new life. Losing that is wrapped in the ultimate sadness. I can't seem to take a full breath. I can't concentrate. Doug has been working all day and I'm lonely. I've been lost in my own house.
I will be OK. I know that. I am sad but not devastated. Eventually this funk will pass.
Today I am sad.

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