No, I have not decided to give up on the rest of this year. I have not decided that Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas aren't really worth the hassle (although, that doesn't sound half bad!). I am a mother of four children, and three of them are school-age. Today is my New Year! With a family full of educators I know I'm not the only one.
Today is the day we get back on track. Today we get back in the swing of things and say goodbye to the chaos of summer and hello to the controlled chaos of the new school year. We have bedtimes and schedules to keep. I start making dinner again. We sit at the table and enjoy a rambunctious half hour between practices, homework, concerts, chores and business travel. I wrote the first of many checks for lunch money today.
I put more miles on the mini-van between now and first report cards than I do all summer. It's carpool for golf practice, after-school activities and Mom-can-I-go-here's. It's taking Fiona to the indoor park twice a week.
This is the time of year where I vow to get more organized. To get this large family in order and running smoothly. I set the resolution to be more patient but am usually screaming about homework the first week. I take a look at our finances and set new goals, completely forgetting that the budget I set out to go by last year has gone out the window more times than I can count.
This year I will get the place organized and get rid of the stuff I've slated for donations but never managed to get out of the house. I will keep up on laundry and give the kids some leeway on chores. I will not yell - as much. I will work with Fiona three times a week for 30 minutes or more on pre-school activities. I will get back into my exercise routine that was working so well before I went on vacation.
I know this all seems a little ambitious. And it is. I know that all of these things are not going to happen, and those that do are not going to happen in the Norman Rockwell way that lives in my head. I'm realistic about it. As I watch the school buses start to make their rounds again it leaves me hopeful for the year ahead.
So, I'll say it again - Happy New Year everyone! May it be all that you hope for and more.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
The Magic of Disney
The memories from this trip will last a lifetime. It was a lot of work. It was amazingly expensive. It was worth every bit!
I thought I posted this last week when we got back! Oops.
Educator or Militant ?
Anyone who has known me for more than a day knows my passion for birth and all things birth related. It is something that I feel so strongly about that I want to make it my career. After 30-ish years of not knowing what I want to be when I grow-up I feel like I have finally found my calling. I want to be a Childbirth Educator. I haven't figured out exactly which path to take yet but I'm working on it. There are a number of different paths, so I'm just down to picking one.
Because this is something so dear to my heart it is something that I am immersed in almost daily. I have a list of blogs that I check regularly to read the newest information and keep up on what is going on in the birth community. I read blogs by midwives, doulas, educators, and women who are not in the "business" of birth, but find the current state of affairs less than desirable. I read the findings that are published on the blogs by the ACOG (American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists) that set the standard for modern maternity care. I've read the benefits and risks of "Routine Interventions". I know the c-section rate for my state and where to find the information by hospital. I know my stuff and I know where to find what I don't know.
Birth, more accurately c-section birth, has been in the media a lot lately. The national average hovers right above 30%. 1/3 of all American babies are born via c-section. This varies by region, state and hospital of course but that's the average. Any woman giving birth has a 1 in 3 chance of having surgery merely for giving birth. This bothers me. Not a little. A LOT!
I post links on my facebook page. OK, I post a lot of links on my facebook page. I want to get the information out there. Is that not the best way to educate people but to make the information available to people who might not otherwise have the opportunity to see it? Sometimes the comments get...heated. Nothing vulgar, nothing hurtful, but there is passion behind the opinions. During these "debates" is where I start to wonder - Have I crossed the line to Militant? I've heard "You're so passionate about this". Is that nice for "you're a nut-job about this stuff!!"? How will I learn to control my passion in a way that will allow me to educate my students in a (at least mildly) non-biased way?
Birth is such a profoundly personal experience that we share a piece of with everyone we come in contact with. It can be a spiritual or traumatic experience. I feel like education is key.
During a recent debate on the overuse of c-sections I was lucky to engage with a friend who had a very life saving c-section. It is hard to explain to her how any doctor could provide anything less to anyone else. She is rightfully concrete in her belief that c-sections are life saving procedures. Without them she and her baby could have lost their lives. I have a few friends that have had this experience and am thankful for the surgery that kept them here to debate with me. I am grateful for the c-section that I had that I believe saved Allie. I know that there is cause for c-section.
I have a friend that has worked in L&D and has seen the devastating outcome when the interventions were not fast enough. The lifeless babies, the hemorrhaging mothers. I am grateful for these friends and their perspectives. Know that I love and respect each of you for them.
But I also know the flip-side. I know the women who have been traumatized by their births. I know the women who have suffered PTSD because of how their bodies and their babies were treated during this most sacred of times. The women who feel violated and scared. Where fear tactics were used to force them into doing something they didn't believe in "for the safety of the baby" only to deliver a baby without complications. This is where the "well at least you have a healthy baby" statement usually comes in. What I think some people overlook or don't realize is the At Least in that statement. At least you have a healthy baby. Because you no longer have confidence in yourself, your body or your ability to protect your child. At least, because you no longer have trust in the medical providers that are supposed to keep you and your baby healthy. At least. My heart breaks for each and every one of you that has gone through that.
These are the things I want to educate women about. First time to fifth time and beyond moms.
For me natural birth is the way. It is how I want to bring my babies into the world. It's how I believe that babies should be born. But I didn't always feel this way. I didn't always have the education that I have now. I want to educate. Not to make a decision for someone, but to help them to make the most educated decision that they can. Do you want an epidural in the parking lot? Fine. Know the risks. Know the advantages. Water birth? Know the risks and advantages. Scheduling your next c-section? Ask the questions. Know the risks. Know the advantages. Talk to your providers. Ask the questions they may not want to answer. How do I provide this without being the Crazy Birth Lady?
Be patient with me please, as I go through this process. There are none more convicted than the converted. Know that I believe in my heart that the choice is yours and I'm just trying to help.
Because this is something so dear to my heart it is something that I am immersed in almost daily. I have a list of blogs that I check regularly to read the newest information and keep up on what is going on in the birth community. I read blogs by midwives, doulas, educators, and women who are not in the "business" of birth, but find the current state of affairs less than desirable. I read the findings that are published on the blogs by the ACOG (American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists) that set the standard for modern maternity care. I've read the benefits and risks of "Routine Interventions". I know the c-section rate for my state and where to find the information by hospital. I know my stuff and I know where to find what I don't know.
Birth, more accurately c-section birth, has been in the media a lot lately. The national average hovers right above 30%. 1/3 of all American babies are born via c-section. This varies by region, state and hospital of course but that's the average. Any woman giving birth has a 1 in 3 chance of having surgery merely for giving birth. This bothers me. Not a little. A LOT!
I post links on my facebook page. OK, I post a lot of links on my facebook page. I want to get the information out there. Is that not the best way to educate people but to make the information available to people who might not otherwise have the opportunity to see it? Sometimes the comments get...heated. Nothing vulgar, nothing hurtful, but there is passion behind the opinions. During these "debates" is where I start to wonder - Have I crossed the line to Militant? I've heard "You're so passionate about this". Is that nice for "you're a nut-job about this stuff!!"? How will I learn to control my passion in a way that will allow me to educate my students in a (at least mildly) non-biased way?
Birth is such a profoundly personal experience that we share a piece of with everyone we come in contact with. It can be a spiritual or traumatic experience. I feel like education is key.
During a recent debate on the overuse of c-sections I was lucky to engage with a friend who had a very life saving c-section. It is hard to explain to her how any doctor could provide anything less to anyone else. She is rightfully concrete in her belief that c-sections are life saving procedures. Without them she and her baby could have lost their lives. I have a few friends that have had this experience and am thankful for the surgery that kept them here to debate with me. I am grateful for the c-section that I had that I believe saved Allie. I know that there is cause for c-section.
I have a friend that has worked in L&D and has seen the devastating outcome when the interventions were not fast enough. The lifeless babies, the hemorrhaging mothers. I am grateful for these friends and their perspectives. Know that I love and respect each of you for them.
But I also know the flip-side. I know the women who have been traumatized by their births. I know the women who have suffered PTSD because of how their bodies and their babies were treated during this most sacred of times. The women who feel violated and scared. Where fear tactics were used to force them into doing something they didn't believe in "for the safety of the baby" only to deliver a baby without complications. This is where the "well at least you have a healthy baby" statement usually comes in. What I think some people overlook or don't realize is the At Least in that statement. At least you have a healthy baby. Because you no longer have confidence in yourself, your body or your ability to protect your child. At least, because you no longer have trust in the medical providers that are supposed to keep you and your baby healthy. At least. My heart breaks for each and every one of you that has gone through that.
These are the things I want to educate women about. First time to fifth time and beyond moms.
For me natural birth is the way. It is how I want to bring my babies into the world. It's how I believe that babies should be born. But I didn't always feel this way. I didn't always have the education that I have now. I want to educate. Not to make a decision for someone, but to help them to make the most educated decision that they can. Do you want an epidural in the parking lot? Fine. Know the risks. Know the advantages. Water birth? Know the risks and advantages. Scheduling your next c-section? Ask the questions. Know the risks. Know the advantages. Talk to your providers. Ask the questions they may not want to answer. How do I provide this without being the Crazy Birth Lady?
Be patient with me please, as I go through this process. There are none more convicted than the converted. Know that I believe in my heart that the choice is yours and I'm just trying to help.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Too Short Summer - An Update
I can't believe it's already the middle of August. I don't know where the time has gone. It's been a rather lazy summer for us. Allie and Jane left for Wisconsin just a couple days after school let out. They've been having a great time and are really enjoying the time they are getting to spend with their father. Because of our upcoming vacation they got to have a couple extra weeks there. I think it's been good for all of them. He's been dealing with some personal things and it's been therapeutic for him to have them there and to spend some extra time with them. His troubles have been a blessing in disguise for the girls and they seem to have had a better time this trip than they have had in the past. For me it's been an long time and I am ready to have my family back together. While a dozen or so days don't seem like that much, it really makes a difference. The house is too quiet, too big and too empty without them here.
Krysty is spending some time in California with my family. I know that she misses her friends but she's gotten to do a couple of really cool things. Plus I know that my mom has benefited from having her there. I know it's hard to have the girls so far away. Krysty and I have gotten much closer over the last few months and it's been tough for me to have her gone. She's usually pretty helpful at home. Most of all I just miss her presence.
The most exciting part of the summer has been Fiona breaking her leg. It wasn't any harrowing accident where we're just glad she came away with nothing worse. It was a random fall of 18 inches off a patio during a play-date. One of those things that's just ridiculous. Even now I think back on it and the one thought that is constant is "Seriously?". She's fallen down the stairs, off the couch, coffee table and my bed. She's slipped in the tub and run into a corner when not paying attention. All with nothing more than a bump or some wounded pride. I've had to go find where her scream of "I STUCK!" was coming from. Now she's sporting a hot pink cast up to her thigh. Thankfully (I think) this has not slowed her down at all. The number of times in a day I say "Fiona, get down!" has not lessened. I'm happy for her child's resilience. I'm glad it won't be putting a damper on her summer. We're still able to sit on the patio while she plays on her slide or in the grass. I feel fortunate that with four children this is the first time anything has actually broken. We've had stitches and trips to the ER, but this is my first child to walk around in a cast of any kind.
Doug is working his arse off. He's still covering two additional markets and is constantly up to his eyeballs in emails, phone calls and something that has to be handled Now. They have hired someone to take over some of it but relief is still some time off. I never thought I'd say I'd be happy when he goes back to "only" working 60 hours a week. He's handling it well. Of course he always does. We've been able to sneak in a few day trips and some "extra" time together, and that's been nice. I love the way he makes time for us and remembers why he's working so hard.
As for me, I miss my older girls. I miss the noise and the company. I miss the help. I miss everything that comes with having a house with four children in it. Ask me again in September and I will be longing for my quiet summer days when nap time means silence. I'm still dealing with the fertility/trying to conceive roller coaster. I can't wait for the day to be able to say "We did it! And it stuck!". Crazy is as crazy does, I suppose. There are some things that are just too hard to pull back the throttle on.
I hope everyone else is enjoying the summer in the way they most desire.
Krysty is spending some time in California with my family. I know that she misses her friends but she's gotten to do a couple of really cool things. Plus I know that my mom has benefited from having her there. I know it's hard to have the girls so far away. Krysty and I have gotten much closer over the last few months and it's been tough for me to have her gone. She's usually pretty helpful at home. Most of all I just miss her presence.
The most exciting part of the summer has been Fiona breaking her leg. It wasn't any harrowing accident where we're just glad she came away with nothing worse. It was a random fall of 18 inches off a patio during a play-date. One of those things that's just ridiculous. Even now I think back on it and the one thought that is constant is "Seriously?". She's fallen down the stairs, off the couch, coffee table and my bed. She's slipped in the tub and run into a corner when not paying attention. All with nothing more than a bump or some wounded pride. I've had to go find where her scream of "I STUCK!" was coming from. Now she's sporting a hot pink cast up to her thigh. Thankfully (I think) this has not slowed her down at all. The number of times in a day I say "Fiona, get down!" has not lessened. I'm happy for her child's resilience. I'm glad it won't be putting a damper on her summer. We're still able to sit on the patio while she plays on her slide or in the grass. I feel fortunate that with four children this is the first time anything has actually broken. We've had stitches and trips to the ER, but this is my first child to walk around in a cast of any kind.
Doug is working his arse off. He's still covering two additional markets and is constantly up to his eyeballs in emails, phone calls and something that has to be handled Now. They have hired someone to take over some of it but relief is still some time off. I never thought I'd say I'd be happy when he goes back to "only" working 60 hours a week. He's handling it well. Of course he always does. We've been able to sneak in a few day trips and some "extra" time together, and that's been nice. I love the way he makes time for us and remembers why he's working so hard.
As for me, I miss my older girls. I miss the noise and the company. I miss the help. I miss everything that comes with having a house with four children in it. Ask me again in September and I will be longing for my quiet summer days when nap time means silence. I'm still dealing with the fertility/trying to conceive roller coaster. I can't wait for the day to be able to say "We did it! And it stuck!". Crazy is as crazy does, I suppose. There are some things that are just too hard to pull back the throttle on.
I hope everyone else is enjoying the summer in the way they most desire.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Please Stay Out of My Womb
I read a recent article discussing the merits of having an only child. It discusses the constant badgering to have more children that parents who have made the choice to have only one child receive. I will admit that I have been guilty of the "so are you going to have more?" question. Personally it is not a choice that I (obviously) made for myself or my children. Being raised as an only-child-with-siblings I was lonely and didn't want that for my own children. I longed for the companionship and even the antagonistic nature of a sibling close to my age and in my own house. I wanted to have to share a room and fight over what toy was mine. I wanted a confidant. I wanted a partner-in-crime. I wanted someone else that understood. I was jealous of friends with siblings close to their age. What I would not understand until I was older was that if I had only one child she would not know the loneliness that I had felt for a variety of reasons - least of which was a lack of siblings. Now that they do have multiple siblings I do what I can to foster a close relationship between them. I am constantly trying to remind them that there is no relationship in the world like that of your sister. When I am long gone it will be your sisterhood that binds you together. Part of my desire for another child is a fear that Fiona will someday know the pain of having a sister you have no hope of being close to because of the gap in your ages. It is not the only reason but I would be dishonest if I did not admit that I do think about it and often.
The fact that we are trying to have another baby is something that gets me the same type of rude remarks people choosing to only have one child are faced with. Things like: You know what causes that right? Are you ever going to stop? You want ANOTHER ONE? Are you NUTS? Well, that will be your last one then, right - because you can't possibly want more!
Are you freakin' kidding me, people? STAY OUT OF MY WOMB! The only person who really and truly has option to comment on the state of my reproductive life is the person that I am reproducing with! I hadn't realized how much this truly bothered me until I was reading about how upset and defensive people were made to feel about only having one child. I understood their desire to not have to explain the choices that they make in their own families, marriages and bedrooms.
(To my friends with only one child that do not plan to have any more I say this: I am sorry if I have EVER made a comment that has made you feel uncomfortable or defensive about your decision. I ask only out of curiosity and as a person who is passionate about birth and pregnancy - not from a place of judgment or rudeness.)
Please, General Public, if you are not helping to make the baby keep your shock and awe to yourself.
I love my large family. With every child we bring in more love. We have struggles unique to a large family but are without those that a family with few children might have. Don't ask what those might be, I can't remember. Every child we have is an amazing miracle. Maybe I like a challenge. Maybe I am in fact as crazy as people tell me I am. Either way I am proof that contrary to what this blog might want you to think, I am happier than I ever thought possible. My children do not make me happy but are very much a part of my happiness.
I think in an age where the innermost workings of our lives and thoughts are shared in two line updates on social networking sites and in greater details in blogs people have lost the ability to think before they speak.
One last note: Parents of only one child, please remember you are as much of a freak to people like me as we are to you. :)
The fact that we are trying to have another baby is something that gets me the same type of rude remarks people choosing to only have one child are faced with. Things like: You know what causes that right? Are you ever going to stop? You want ANOTHER ONE? Are you NUTS? Well, that will be your last one then, right - because you can't possibly want more!
Are you freakin' kidding me, people? STAY OUT OF MY WOMB! The only person who really and truly has option to comment on the state of my reproductive life is the person that I am reproducing with! I hadn't realized how much this truly bothered me until I was reading about how upset and defensive people were made to feel about only having one child. I understood their desire to not have to explain the choices that they make in their own families, marriages and bedrooms.
(To my friends with only one child that do not plan to have any more I say this: I am sorry if I have EVER made a comment that has made you feel uncomfortable or defensive about your decision. I ask only out of curiosity and as a person who is passionate about birth and pregnancy - not from a place of judgment or rudeness.)
Please, General Public, if you are not helping to make the baby keep your shock and awe to yourself.
I love my large family. With every child we bring in more love. We have struggles unique to a large family but are without those that a family with few children might have. Don't ask what those might be, I can't remember. Every child we have is an amazing miracle. Maybe I like a challenge. Maybe I am in fact as crazy as people tell me I am. Either way I am proof that contrary to what this blog might want you to think, I am happier than I ever thought possible. My children do not make me happy but are very much a part of my happiness.
I think in an age where the innermost workings of our lives and thoughts are shared in two line updates on social networking sites and in greater details in blogs people have lost the ability to think before they speak.
One last note: Parents of only one child, please remember you are as much of a freak to people like me as we are to you. :)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Two Years And A Day
Doug and I spent the last few days celebrating our two year wedding anniversary. Saturday we had brunch at our favorite restaurant, Salty's. Followed by a helicopter tour of Seattle. Last night, our actual anniversary, we took the girls out to celebrate with us at Mama Sortini's in Puyallup.
Marriage is not what I expected it to be. I know that sounds funny since I had been married once before, but this is different. Marriage was hard and a lot of work. There were constant battles. It was bi-polar. It was something I swore I would never do again. When Doug asked me to marry him I agreed because I loved him enough to be willing to put the work in to build a life with him. The funny thing is that I haven't had to. What I'm learning is that marriage with the right person is easy. Sure, there's conflicts and we have our less than stellar moments. But it's not hard. It's not work.
I think I have married the most patient man on the planet. He is beyond patient with me when I feel like the house is falling down around me. When I apologize for the house being a mess he just shrugs it off "I don't like to clean, why should you?". When I forget to take the dry-cleaning in - for the fourth day in a row - he says "I could do it just as easily and I didn't".
He's my buoy. He gives me something to anchor myself to. When the waters get rough he is there, riding the waves and being a beacon of all that is good and stable.
I said them two years ago, have lived them since and will continue to do so:
Marriage is not what I expected it to be. I know that sounds funny since I had been married once before, but this is different. Marriage was hard and a lot of work. There were constant battles. It was bi-polar. It was something I swore I would never do again. When Doug asked me to marry him I agreed because I loved him enough to be willing to put the work in to build a life with him. The funny thing is that I haven't had to. What I'm learning is that marriage with the right person is easy. Sure, there's conflicts and we have our less than stellar moments. But it's not hard. It's not work.
I think I have married the most patient man on the planet. He is beyond patient with me when I feel like the house is falling down around me. When I apologize for the house being a mess he just shrugs it off "I don't like to clean, why should you?". When I forget to take the dry-cleaning in - for the fourth day in a row - he says "I could do it just as easily and I didn't".
He's my buoy. He gives me something to anchor myself to. When the waters get rough he is there, riding the waves and being a beacon of all that is good and stable.
I said them two years ago, have lived them since and will continue to do so:
from today, I will belong to you for the rest of my life. I promise to love and honor you; and to give you my strength, and to stand by you in joy and in sorrow, and ask you to stand by me. I want you to share your hopes, desires, and dreams with me. I know that our home will be one of love and understanding. I promise to care for you when you are sick, stand by you when times are difficult, and to share the warmth and joy of life. I give you all my trust and all of my tomorrows. I will grow with you as long as I live.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
I Broke My Daughter's Heart
I had to break my daughter's heart - and my own while I was at it. It's bound to happen sooner or later - it does with all of them. That knowledge does not make it easier.
Allie had a "boyfriend" that she's been talking about for a few weeks now. I hadn't given it much thought, as middle-schoolers cycle through boyfriends like they share pens. There's been a few that she's liked and then not and then liked again. I figured after a couple of weeks this one would be old news, too. Krystyne, having had to submit to the torturous task of bringing her boyfriend home decided that it was high time that Allie be subjected to the same disgrace. That's when we found out that he "doesn't live here". Um, what? He lives in WI. Um, WHAT?!?! My head went firmly into the are-you-freakin'-kidding-me mode. "Dad said he'll take me to see him while I'm there". Oh, this just gets better and better.
From here the details of their meeting get a little fuzzy. He's the cousin of a friend's ex-boyfriend, he's was in town for a funeral. She first saw him on a Warp Tour message board and happen to recognize him with a friend. It gets a little fishy and I realized that the "how" of it all was not really important.
There were some text messages that had pinged my Mom Radar as a little concerning. Just basic ever-lasting-love teenage crap that is to be expected. There was just something in it that gave me reason to pause. I had shrugged it off to my over protective Mama Bear stuff, but it just didn't sit right.
Last night I sat down with Al to try to talk some sense into her. And by talk some sense, I mean really explain how the hell this was NEVER going to happen. Let's start with logistics of the whole thing. The kid lives an hour away from where her dad lives. Just the chance of seeing him is almost non-existent, no matter what Dad says. There's a lot of "sure, we'll go to the lake, mall, whatever" that doesn't happen. Not with any malicious intent but sometimes you just don't get to it. It happens here all the time, it's not something I fault him for. Add to that taking away the very little time that they get out there, how likely is it really. Here's what the next few visits look like:
Summer - Late June to Mid August
Christmas Break - Two weeks at the end of December
Summer - 6 weeks in July/August
How do you have any kind of relationship in that time? Is it really fair to ask Dad during the only few weeks he gets in the next year to take you somewhere for a few hours to make googly eyes at some boy? This is all around just a bad idea. The 65-ish days they get with their dad should be spent with him. It's all he gets and it's not fair to ask that he give that time up.
I hated to do it but I had to draw the line. How crazy would I be to allow this to continue? I'm a little nuts, I'm not that nuts.
I know that I had to do what was right for my daughter even if she can't see it now. Even if she can't see past the hurt that she sees me "intentionally" dishing out for her. I can see the 800 ways this could go terribly wrong. Maybe it's too many Lifetime movies. Maybe it's my own paranoia about my girls having to go through even an ounce of the horrors I went through in my early (and even later) relationships. I can see how isolating something like this could become. I can't sit by and watch while she passes by opportunities and experiences that she should be having out of some misplaced loyalty to some mangy, weird kid that can't land a girlfriend in his own town. My Allie is beautiful, even with the mounds of eyeliner and ever-changing hair colors. She is a complicated, sensitive child. Under normal circumstances she stands back and watches before making her choices. She can be impulsive. She is goofy and funny and pure joy. She worries me more than any of the other kids. She is stubborn and sarcastic and helpful. I will not stand by while some little freak-job (hey, I am not required to be diplomatic here) pulls on her heart-strings and toys with her emotions. I won't. I don't have to. I am asserting my parental right to come in and destroy their hopes and dreams in the name of knowing what's best. A part of her may hate me now, but I'm OK with that. In 5 years I will remind her of this and she will say "who? I don't remember that, Mom". I can wait.
For now I offer distractions and give her a little more leeway with friends. Summer is coming and she'll be leaving soon. This trip will be longer than most. I will block the little punk's number from her phone and erase it from her address book. I'll give it to her dad to do the same and watch for. (Amazingly enough Kraig actually agrees with me on this one. We don't often agree when it comes to parenting. I'm glad he's on my team for this one)
Eighth grade will provide a whole new set of boys to make googly eyes at. I hope one day she understands.
Allie had a "boyfriend" that she's been talking about for a few weeks now. I hadn't given it much thought, as middle-schoolers cycle through boyfriends like they share pens. There's been a few that she's liked and then not and then liked again. I figured after a couple of weeks this one would be old news, too. Krystyne, having had to submit to the torturous task of bringing her boyfriend home decided that it was high time that Allie be subjected to the same disgrace. That's when we found out that he "doesn't live here". Um, what? He lives in WI. Um, WHAT?!?! My head went firmly into the are-you-freakin'-kidding-me mode. "Dad said he'll take me to see him while I'm there". Oh, this just gets better and better.
From here the details of their meeting get a little fuzzy. He's the cousin of a friend's ex-boyfriend, he's was in town for a funeral. She first saw him on a Warp Tour message board and happen to recognize him with a friend. It gets a little fishy and I realized that the "how" of it all was not really important.
There were some text messages that had pinged my Mom Radar as a little concerning. Just basic ever-lasting-love teenage crap that is to be expected. There was just something in it that gave me reason to pause. I had shrugged it off to my over protective Mama Bear stuff, but it just didn't sit right.
Last night I sat down with Al to try to talk some sense into her. And by talk some sense, I mean really explain how the hell this was NEVER going to happen. Let's start with logistics of the whole thing. The kid lives an hour away from where her dad lives. Just the chance of seeing him is almost non-existent, no matter what Dad says. There's a lot of "sure, we'll go to the lake, mall, whatever" that doesn't happen. Not with any malicious intent but sometimes you just don't get to it. It happens here all the time, it's not something I fault him for. Add to that taking away the very little time that they get out there, how likely is it really. Here's what the next few visits look like:
Summer - Late June to Mid August
Christmas Break - Two weeks at the end of December
Summer - 6 weeks in July/August
How do you have any kind of relationship in that time? Is it really fair to ask Dad during the only few weeks he gets in the next year to take you somewhere for a few hours to make googly eyes at some boy? This is all around just a bad idea. The 65-ish days they get with their dad should be spent with him. It's all he gets and it's not fair to ask that he give that time up.
I hated to do it but I had to draw the line. How crazy would I be to allow this to continue? I'm a little nuts, I'm not that nuts.
I know that I had to do what was right for my daughter even if she can't see it now. Even if she can't see past the hurt that she sees me "intentionally" dishing out for her. I can see the 800 ways this could go terribly wrong. Maybe it's too many Lifetime movies. Maybe it's my own paranoia about my girls having to go through even an ounce of the horrors I went through in my early (and even later) relationships. I can see how isolating something like this could become. I can't sit by and watch while she passes by opportunities and experiences that she should be having out of some misplaced loyalty to some mangy, weird kid that can't land a girlfriend in his own town. My Allie is beautiful, even with the mounds of eyeliner and ever-changing hair colors. She is a complicated, sensitive child. Under normal circumstances she stands back and watches before making her choices. She can be impulsive. She is goofy and funny and pure joy. She worries me more than any of the other kids. She is stubborn and sarcastic and helpful. I will not stand by while some little freak-job (hey, I am not required to be diplomatic here) pulls on her heart-strings and toys with her emotions. I won't. I don't have to. I am asserting my parental right to come in and destroy their hopes and dreams in the name of knowing what's best. A part of her may hate me now, but I'm OK with that. In 5 years I will remind her of this and she will say "who? I don't remember that, Mom". I can wait.
For now I offer distractions and give her a little more leeway with friends. Summer is coming and she'll be leaving soon. This trip will be longer than most. I will block the little punk's number from her phone and erase it from her address book. I'll give it to her dad to do the same and watch for. (Amazingly enough Kraig actually agrees with me on this one. We don't often agree when it comes to parenting. I'm glad he's on my team for this one)
Eighth grade will provide a whole new set of boys to make googly eyes at. I hope one day she understands.
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