Thank you for not killing me. I know I probably deserved it.

With the Mother's Day weekend upon us I am forced once again to reflect on why I really don't like this holiday.  I made the poor gal at the bank uncomfortable when in her best customer-service-perk she inquired as to whether or not I had children, and then if I had "exciting plans" for Mother's Day. I told her honestly I'd rather skip it.
"But it's your day!"
Is it? Really? Or is it for the most part an anti-climactic day that is not really as great as we tell you it is? Maybe I've just been disillusioned over the last 18 years worth of Mother's Days. Perhaps it's the teenager's apathy to pretty much everything that has rubbed off on me. But, there is this commercial build-up that is never really attainable. The commercials depicting the "surprise" breakfast in bed and little velvet box from our somehow-still-smitten husband are kind of crap.
Now don't get me wrong, I've had my share of great Mother's Day celebrations. I have been woken up by 3 smiling children with partially-toasted toast, not quite perfectly prepared coffee, and a beautiful new jewelry box (which still sits on my night side stand). I have had my husband attend church with me less-begrudgingly than usual, and then take me to my favorite restaurant with reservations he'd made weeks in advance.
For the most part they fall flat. Not for lack of effort or desire on the part of my husband and my kids, but simply because there is just no way for me to just have a whole Day. Could you go to work and simply sit there all day while everything happened around you? This public delusion that as Mom's we are somehow on vacation one day a year is ridiculous.
I don't want to go out to an over-crowded restaurant for breakfast/lunch/dinner. I'd rather cook. And I'd rather not spend the whole time thinking about the small mortgage the bill is going to be for taking this many people out anywhere. I don't want my husband to go out and buy a gift and flowers because the calendar says he should. I know it's a lot to expect, but I'd love it if he'd just bring home flowers on his way home from work because he thought I'd like it when he stopped to pick up the milk I forgot earlier. Or a whispered "you really don't suck at this" would be nice. I could skip the half dozen cards from the kids, whose only involvement was signing what he shoved under their noses (I do really like the mushy ones that I get from my husband though). The best gift I could have from my kids? Do your friggin' laundry. All of it. Like I would do it. Just once. Please. Ignore the snarky remark from your sister. Just this once. Don't make a snarky remark to your sister. Just this once. Please. Refrain from all the discussion about all the stuff you have planned for someone else's mom that is just so awesome. I can run through my list of why I'm failing miserably at this mom thing without reminders, thanks.
Now as a grown child I have a different view on Mother's Day for my own mother (and mother-in-law; thanks for that boy of  yours, by way. He's pretty awesome). It's the reminder I need to send my mom flowers because she really should get them more often and for no reason. And I know she understands that raising a family is a lot of work and I can barely remember who I'm supposed to pick up at which school before what activity; let alone remembering to be appreciative of the fact that's she's my (his) mom. As a grown child, Mother's Day is an opportunity to send flowers or a gift that, regardless of the card, says "Thank you for not killing me. I know I probably deserved it.". 
Hopefully I'll get there with my kids one day. If they make it...

Bulk Cooking in My Life

So a couple of weeks ago I thought I would take on a pretty big challenge and do some bulk cooking. Honestly, I don't know what the hell I was thinking. I have a tiny, almost useless kitchen, no counter space, and a standard sized refrigerator that's supposed to hold enough food for a family of 8. Where exactly am I going to put all of this that I decided to make? And what possessed me to do this in the first place? Apparently I drink. And heavily.
It started when I made a trip to Sam's Club for some Booster cookies (We were selling cookies and water at a band performance). Since we had finally gotten through the 40lbs of chicken quarters I had bought on my last oh-mah-gawd-look-how-cheap-these-are spree I decided I should pick up "just a few things".
(This is the point I should probably share some background. When I was growing up we were poor. Not just broke, but poor. Like living with family, food boxes, and eventually when I was in high school, we moved to the projects. There were times groceries were scarce. I may have food issues.)
So my "just a few things" turned into a 10lb pork loin, 8lbs of pork chops, 5lbs of flank steak, 20+lbs of boneless, skinless chicken breasts, and some frozen meatballs. I get home and realize I have no idea what the hell I'm going to do with all of this. We've been spending a lot of money on fast-food lately. Which in our house usually means pizza (McDonald's is a $60 adventure when there's this many people. So not worth it. Have cereal). I've been lazy and under-motivated with dinner. It bothers me. Here is my chance to get back on the bandwagon. I need to get my family back to having a reasonable dinner every night. Being the Pinterest addict I am I did a little digging and found some good sites, recipes, and ideas for my big bulk cooking idea.
Let me tell you, this went way smoother in my head. If I had a regular kitchen with counter space and outlets it would have gone much smoother. I worked with what I had. It took me two days but I made it happen. There was only one small problem. Remember that whole "standard size" refrigerator I mentioned earlier? And its standard size top freezer? Yeah, we're gonna need something bigger. I do have a freezer. A big freezer. Like if my ex-husband ever goes missing at the same time as I get a new freezer don't ask kind of big. It'll fit two, maybe even three, bodies car loads of groceries. But it's been in the garage for a year. Not plugged in. And is partially buried under boxes. Long story short, that bad-boy is now in the kitchen. At least one of my many kitchen disasters solved. Thank you a LOT to my wonderful husband for doing most of the heavy lifting, moving, and cleaning to make this happen. It's amazing how little I was involved in this part of the process.
I will tell you that I had this post all buttoned-up and beautiful in my head.  There were pictures. And links. All the fancy shit that I looked at that sparked this fabulous stupid-ass idea in the first place. I had a lot of people ask about recipes and the menu. Here's what I made. I'll link where I can.

• Chicken Pot Pie (2 - enough for one meal - it has been requested that this make it in the normal rotation from now on. Win!)
• Lasagna (2 - two meals)
• Chicken Caccatorie(2 bags. It tasted great. I added the noodles and I screwed it up some how. The kids didn't like it. I was only mildly fond of it. Considering I couldn't keep out of the pot for the sauce there has to be another way to serve this)
• Cilantro Lime Chicken (2 bags. Makes some kick ass tacos)
• Chicken Taco Soup (2 bags)
• Honey Maple Chicken (2 bags)
• Cilantro Lime pork chops (2 bags - recipe wasn't for a freezer meal but it should come out fine anyway)
• Beef and Broccoli (1 bag)
• Beef Stroganoff (1 bag)
• Enchiladas (4 pans - two meals)
• Shepherds' Pie (2 pans - one meal, minus the potatoes that go on the top. I don't like the texture that happens when you freeze potatoes.)

That's two and a half weeks worth of meals. Plus left overs, so almost 3 weeks of food. I also made

• Pork Sloppy Joe's. In  the future I'll stick to cooking the pork loin in the crock pot with some Manwhich. I liked the semi-homemade sauce. The kids did not.
• Shredded pork, meal to be determined later
• 5 "cans" of cream of mushroom soup. I needed it for a recipe so I just made a big batch and froze it in 1 and 1/2 cup bags. 

I have the makings for pasta and meatballs with various sauces for two or three meals, a skillet dinner, a couple of casseroles, and breakfast for dinner a couple of nights. I even have the makings for pizza should I feel slightly more ambitious.  This should get us through the month.  I've been good about going to the store and only getting what we were out of. It's working so far. I spent about $500 initially. On the outside I think I'll spend another $300 on groceries. $800 sounds like a lot to me, but when I think about the 8 people in my house, it's really not so bad. Especially since that includes 2 grown men and 3 teenagers. We have salad every night, and sometimes bread/rolls and that helps round everything out.

And I would absolutely do this again. If I was more organized I could tell you what we were having tonight. But I'm not. I'll pull something out of the freezer later. It's easier if I pull something the night before and let it thaw overnight on the counter, and toss it in the crock pot in the morning. We'll probably have a casserole or something like that tonight. Once it starts to get hot out this will be my go-to planning. I hate cooking in the summer and this will definitely keep down the time I have to spend with the oven on. Next time I'll plan out a little better!

Putting on the Big Girl Panties

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A common saying in my house is saying you are or telling someone to "put on your Big Girl panties". That means that like or not, this is how it is and it's time to deal with whatever is going on like a Big Girl. Suck it up, Buttercup. Things are not going to change.
So here I am, digging out the Big Girl panties. Doug has had a pretty full plate at work lately. Like 14+ hour days full. It sucks for me (because we all know this is all about me) because it means spending more time at home on my own. I can handle that. I just don't like it. It's really not about the kids or the housework or getting a break (I'm not gonna lie, that stuff is important). The biggest problem is that I actually like my husband. 14+hour days do not get me a happy husband. Again, this sucks for ME (noticing a theme here?) I don't get the rested, funny, snuggley husband that I like. I get uber-quiet, extra-introverted husband who is just trying to get 20 minutes of rest before he gets to fall into bed and do it all over again.
Plus, things are about to get worse. My loving husband has been chosen for jury duty.  So on top of everything else he has going on he gets to sit in a room and decide the fate of some poor bastard when he would much rather be making a dent in the mountain of work so that there's hope he can get home to his amazing wife!
So here's where it gets to be about me and my panties. I have to be understanding, and patient. Loving but not needy. Supportive, and not bitchy.
Ermahgerd! this is going to SUCK! Like a lot.
This is where I need to channel my inner Big Girl and get to work on things I need to get done; things I don't do or put off because Doug is here and I'd much rather spend time with him than...anything. Maybe if the rain stops and the weather clears I might tackle the garage. Or even the disgusting piles that I call my desk. I could figure out how to use my scanner and organize some crap. I could figure out our budget.
Truthfully this really sucks for my husband the most. Bedtime comes often before he gets home most nights. Mornings are a rushed blur. His whole family has to go on without him while he works his ass off and misses the whole thing. I hope he knows how much we miss him and how we'd much rather he was home and that I do understand that this not just all about me.
I love you.

Tonight I Am Grateful

Tonight I am grateful.
I am grateful for the makers of Tylenol and Motrin, for giving my sick little baby girl some relief.
I am grateful for my job, where I am afforded the luxury to work part time, even when that means almost not at all, because I can be here when my babies need me.
I am grateful for my husband's job. Even though I wish he was home to help with the work of two sick toddlers, it is his job that allows us to have insurance for the doctor's office visit we made today.
I am grateful for older children. I am amazed at how they step up and show responsibility when I need them to the most.
I am grateful for the daughter who let her little sister have a "sleep-over" in her room because she understood the healing power for cuddles, a movie, and someone to love.
I am grateful for recliners that let me rock my sick baby to sleep.
I am grateful for the silence that has given me the opportunity to reflect. While today has been a struggle, it is not without it's value. Today I am softer. I am more understanding than I would expect of myself. Today I have been humbled by my life. When I am feeling overwhelmed or exasperated or restless I have been forced to stop and see the things in my life that matter the most to me.
I am grateful for baby-drool on my shoulder. It tells me that my daughter has found enough relief to sleep.
Tonight, I am grateful.

The New Normal

Well, the older girls are officially back in school and the chaos has begun! With three kids in school balancing everything gets pretty tricky as it is. Add two toddlers into the mix and it's a little more challenging. Plus the fact that we're dealing with two different schools. Oh, and four different activities for the three kids. Like I said, chaos.
Krystyne made varsity cheer this year. We're really excited for her. She's wanted to be a cheerleader since she was little. I'm glad that she's able to make this a part of her senior year. For her this means practice every day after school until 5:30. Once football games start she'll be at all of the home games, a couple of away games and who knows what else. She's got fundraisers and practices and all kinds of other things.
Allie is back in marching band this year. She practices three times a week until 5, and again, once football season starts that's where you'll find her, too.  At least that puts her and Krystyne in the same spot! But marching band for Allie means Boosters for me and Doug. I'm the Booster Treasurer this year and that's a pretty time consuming deal on its own.  Soon we'll start with tournaments most Saturdays and figuring out how to make all that work out. With the little girls getting bigger it will be harder to have them in tow for these things.
Jane is in middle school this year. She's started in band as well. Thankfully no marching! But, there are parent meetings and performances to go to. She also joined the California Cadet Corps. It's a JROTC type program.  Since she has a plan to join the military after high school this will be good for her. Plus it gives her more of the structure that she needs. It's another thing that will mean finding space and juggling already crazy schedules. But if she's enjoying it, it is definitely worth it.  She also attends the after school program every day until 5:45. It's just an activities program put on by the YMCA, but it gives them homework time and organized activities that keep them busy after school. She can walk home most days (when the weather is something closer to reasonable) and it saves me a trip. I'm really excited for this year for her. She's got a lot on her plate but I think she'll do really well. 
This whole thing leaves me and the little girls to our own devices until at least 5, three days a week. Tuesdays and Fridays Allie gets home around 3 so I need to figure out how to adjust my own schedule accordingly. Once football season really starts we'll be at the games on Friday nights.  If I can figure out a schedule during the day for me and the little girls I think things will go more smoothly.  I'm thinking park trips in the morning and working after lunch while they nap (once the weather breaks to under 100!). I've been getting little spurts of stuff done. Nothing that is a major accomplishment, but lots of little things. That's most of my days anyway, so at least I feel like I'm making progress.

I'm BAAAAACK!

So I've decided to come on back over to blogger. It's easier. For some reason having the website seems like work. And I don't like work. Especially work I don't get paid for. And while it's not really all that hard to post there, there just seems to be something different... something missing there that has kept it from being what I had here. I'll keep the website up and running and probably link the blog posts from here until I just don't anymore. When I think of it - if I think of it. This seems like extended Facebook posts, with the website I feel like if I'm not putting out something well thought out and coherent then I'm doing it wrong. Me, well thought out and coherent? Yeah, not so much.
The last year has been a whirlwind I'd rather not experience again. And while I am working slowly on getting my balance back I find that the soothing act of just writing has lost some of its flow.  Things here are in full swing of chaos-induced-normalcy. I feel like a storm chaser most days; Like I'm trying desperately to make sense of some raging act of God that is more random and harder to predict than the current power-ball numbers.
So here I am again. I can't wait to see what happens next.
Brandy

Long Time No See

I can't believe how long it's been since I've been here. It seems that life has gotten in the way of writing about life.
We've settled into the new house - sort of. I still need to get pictures on the walls and the kitchen (more) organized but for the most part we're settled.
The girls are doing fantastic. They keep me running most days. But I love it .
Recently the older girls and I took a trip to Las Vegas to visit with my friend Daniel. It was a much needed vacation and break from routine. During dinner we had a great conversation about life and what we're doing and where we're going. What our goals are and what we're dreaming about. I mentioned something about getting a "real job" once Fiona and Georgiana are school age. We talked about what ideas I have and what I want to do. Honestly it's not really all that amazing. There's no real life-dream thing that I want to do. I felt foolish at 35 still having the "I-don't-know-what-I-want-to-do-with-my-life" conversation.  I love this blog (not that you can tell from the amount I post or anything) and I'd love to take up photography with some kind of seriousness. Baking has always been something I enjoyed and we once toyed with the idea of owning a bakery. But, for the most part, I don't have much of a Bucket List. (My Lord I'm boring!)
This conversation was something that really bothered me. I percolated in my brain for the rest of the night and well into the next day.  The thought that came back time and time again was "I have all I want". But there has to be more... Doesn't there? The more I thought about it the more I realized that no, what I have and where I am is enough. I have FIVE beautiful, healthy, and fun kids. Five. I have a husband that adores me. Even when  he shouldn't - let's be honest, I'm kind of a pain in the ass. I have a house I love (with a pool!), enough money to manage, a running vehicle, food on the table, clothes in the closet. I am able to give my kids what they need - love, attention, discipline, full bellies. I am content.
When I was growing up things were not ideal. My parents all had issues that didn't leave much room for me. At times I'm angry. At times I'm resigned. For the most part I've come to understand that my parents are human and even though I had to suffer through their mistakes it was no fault of mine. I knew early on that I did not want to make the same mistakes with my children that were made with me and I feel like I've done a pretty good job on that. Not that I haven't made mistakes. I'm far from perfect, but I feel like I've done my absolute best with my children. And the older I get and the more experience as a mother I have the better I feel about what I'm doing.
My point in this is that I had the realization that I AM doing what I love.  I am living the dream, so to speak. What I will do when the littlest girls are finally in school and I have the time and attention span for a "real job" when the time comes is still up in the air. I have ideas. I have things that I think I could do for the next 25 years. But the time for decisions is not now. Now I get to enjoy this dream "job" that I have. It's not easy, there's no days off, there's no sick-days and the pay sucks; but they benefits are nothing short of extraordinary!
I am making a point to get back here regularly to update and write and use the part of my brain that this satisfies more often. I miss it.I hope that I haven't lost both of the people that stop by to see what's going on and peek in my virtual medicine cabinet.
Remember to count your blessings and realize that you may be closer to living the dream than you think you are.

I'm Back

Well, maybe "back" isn't exactly right. Back would mean that I was gone. I wasn't gone, I just wasn't here. And in all truthfulness that was really probably best. I wasn't in a good place. I wasn't in a good writing place.The blog posts in my head were depressing even to me and I just couldn't bring myself to put it all out there. Not in a vulnerability kind of way, but more of  a no-one-wants-to-read-this-shit kind of way. In a I-don't-even-want-to-type-this-shit kind of way!
Honestly it was  all ridiculous. The blow up that I was expecting between me and my mom happened. There's no way to leave at 21 and come home at 34 and not have it happen. And it was more than just that. It was the expectations I was failing to live up to, the family functions I was expected to attend at the cost of my own family traditions (Christmas).  Add my own craziness that comes from living in chaos in a house that just won't ever feel like mine and I just had to shut the lid on the laptop for a while.  But here I am feeling a little bit better and the holidays behind me and ready to do it all over again. 
I miss it here. I miss my little piece of cyber-space and both the people that read this thing.  I am feeling the urge to write again. I am feeling the words pour though my head and look for a page to call home. So even though we have a TON going on, as always, I feel like I'm "back". Or maybe - more accurately - still here. Still standing. And still rambling on. Thanks for hanging around.

Sterilization... Easier Done Than Said

I have made the decision to have my "tubes tied". The hospital and doctor's office call it Voluntary Sterilization.  Doug and I went to a class on Monday where they talked all about the different options and gave us all the information for Informed Consent.  I had to fill out paperwork and then waived my 30 day waiting period.  I don't need 30 days to think about it. I've been thinking about it before I got pregnant with Georgiana, and it was something Doug and I have talked about already.  One more, we said.
  The nurse giving the lecture said that we need to be 100% sure of what I am doing and repeatedly stressed that this decision is mine and that no one should be making it for me.  No one is making this decision for me. In fact, Doug would prefer to go under the knife instead of me (bless his heart).  I have made my decision and I have decided that since I am done getting pregnant and having babies that I am the one that needs to go in and do the sterilization.  Am I 100% sure as the nurse said? No. But I never will be.  Making babies and giving birth has been the most amazing things I have ever accomplished. I can MAKE PEOPLE! I don't care what stupid-human-trick you have, you can't top that one. It is an amazing thing that women can do. If I was 10 years younger I'd have half a dozen more. But I'm not. And we'd like to retire one day.  I have five happy, healthy daughters and I am blessed. Can I say with 100% certainty that I don't want any more babies? No. What I can say is that my family is complete.  I have an amazing husband that is the best father any woman could ask a man to be to her children and who loves me more than I deserve.  My girls are my light and my world. 
When the scheduling office from the hospital called and scheduled the procedure for next week I had to sit for a minute and process.  I am anxious. I am changing a fundamental process in my body. I am altering the way my body functions as a woman.  I will no longer be able to create and sustain a life with my womb. There is a sadness in that.  While all women come to a point in their reproductive lives where this happens, I am forcing the issue. This will not slowly happen over a long period of time as I get older, instead it will be over a couple months after a visit to my doctor. 
Even now, after the decisions and the appointment have been made there is doubt. As it stands I would be on birth control for rest of my reproductive life trying to prevent a pregnancy.  I have no intention or desire to have another baby.  However, if I was told tomorrow I was pregnant I would be happy and would celebrate. Being a mother and having the ability to be a mother has been the greatest gift I have been given. 
There will be sadness as well as relief. There will a bit of grief as I, with intention and forethought, close a chapter of my life.  There will also be celebration as I wait for the new beginning that it will bring, although I'm not yet sure what that will mean.

Jack of All Trades, Master of None

I've realized something. I have too much going on.  I know, take a minute to let that kind astonishing announcement sink in.  It's taken me a few days/weeks/months/years to come to that realization myself. 
Things have been difficult lately.  I've felt like I've been swimming in a mudslide.  Getting the house unpacked, taking care of the girls, figuring out my new schedule, work and desperately trying to find something kind of hobby or outlet has left me with a ton of unfinished projects, unpacked boxes and a disaster of a house. 
Through it all I'm not able to be the kind of wife/mother/friend I want to be. There's just not enough of me left.  There's not enough of me left for ME!  I'm struggling. And I'm all the more crazy for it.  I've been trying to figure out what I can do to make this clutter in my head disappear.  I'm not handling anything well and I need to. So I decided that I need to simplify my life. I need to just get back to basics and stop trying to be super-mom, super-wife, super-anything. I need to just be... simpler. 
It's not as easy as it sounds but I'm working on it a little every day. With multiple melt-downs under my belt the last few days I've been able to see what my triggers are and hopefully can figure out how to avoid them. Or at the very least recognize when I'm get swallowed up whole by my life. 
So I've given up on couponing. I've been able to cut the costs of our groceries, just by the costs associated with food here.  I don't know if it's just an ease of transport thing or what, but I'm finding groceries are much less expensive than I was anticipating.  I need to just let the coupons go for now and concentrate on making fresh meals from in-season produce.  It'll be cheaper and healthier in the long run.  Plus, I've found a Win Co close by and that will really help, too.  I'm going to be passing the coupon-torch to a good friend who can benefit and don't feel like it's going to waste.  My chaos is benefiting another family. Can't go wrong there!
I'm putting the craft mess away.  I toyed with the idea of starting a business with the beautiful fabric flowers I was making. I found them relaxing and just loved creating something.  But the pressure of making the hobby into something that might actually provide some kind of income (even as a little "extra") was becoming one more thing I had/wanted to do that I just didn't have time for and we were all suffering because of it. 
So now it's back to basics. It's crafting one thing at a time when I can. It's finding the best deals and finding a new way to save on meals and groceries. It's getting back on track with a budget and trying to save for a house. It's doing only what I can and letting the rest be.
I need to learn to let Doug help more. I need to accept that the kids don't do the job as well as I do but that they are  helping and it's that much less I have to do. 
I need to take a deep breath and learn to enjoy my family again.  I am truly and deeply blessed.  I know it, I just need to re-learn how to accept it. 
Be patient with me. 

Choices in Bat Country

I've said this before and I'm sure I'll say it again. I come from some crazy people. It's part of who I am and I come by my own crazy very honestly.  You can look at 98% of my family and think "Oh yeah, that totally makes sense".  It's not like I come from some Norman Rockwell fantasy and everyone's confused on why I'm all bat-shit. That being said, I have managed to become a fully functioning adult with a family of my own.  I'm sure I'm doing a good job of keeping today's psychology students in tomorrows workforce (you're welcome) but I don't think I'm doing any lasting damage. No more than eventually living through five teenage daughters will do to me.  It seems to be a fair trade. 
What seems to be difficult for me to understand is how my parents seem to be unable to make the same basic functioning adult choices that the rest of us manage to make every single day. Like they couldn't make a good choice if it fell out of the sky and landed on their sister!

Good choices - Sister...

 I do appreciate that they are on some kind of rotation so one of them seems to be acting vaguely adult-ish at a time.  It's helpful since there's three of them and one of me (how do I keep getting myself outnumbered like this?).  When one of them decides to go haywire it seems that it's an example of Go Big or Go Home.
My father is an alcoholic. He has been sober for 15 years. Because of the alcoholism he was non-existent as a parent and there was something that clicked in my head at one point and I got it. I don't really have a lot of anger because he didn't actually do anything. He just wasn't there.  Over the last 15 years we've managed to carve out a relationship that has hinted at normalcy.  My grandmother had a great hand in that (missing you more than ever right now Grandma) and we managed to almost be functioning. Then dad got cancer.  He spent some time in April of 2009 and all that needed to be said was and I was at peace with things. 
Insert a lot that is merely details I'll skip and we ended up living within an hour drive of each other for the first time since I was in high school.  It took a couple months of us getting settled in here to be able to get there to visit but when we did it was fantastic.  Dad said it was the best day he's had in years. It was great for us, too.  Then, little by little, I started hearing about XYZ that was going on.  OK, bumps but nothing more.  I had decided that we needed to make this a monthly thing and was all-in-all happy with the whole thing. 
What I was not prepared for was the total shit-storm that I was about to be hit with. Usually when this kind of thing is coming you at least get some kind of foreboding music or something. To keep this already ridiculously long story to something more manageable I'll hit the highlights of this bad-decision laced road trip.

We can't stop here! This is bat country!

1. Drinking again. 15 years of sobriety out the window. Awesome
2. All for some woman. Really? One that you "never felt like this before" about but didn't k now was a raging alcoholic and drunk by noon? Got it. (here's a hint: you don't REMEMBER feeling like anything before because you were too drunk!)
3. Running off on "One last adventure"  sounds all fun and shit, but isn't truly realistic. While you may be in remission you have CANCER, stupid. 
4. Something about Colorado, motorcycles, getting married and diamond mines. 

It was all a conversation involving a lot of "but I have to's" and "I need's".  All wrapped in a "I want your blessing" blanket. Um, no. All of this is a choice. A total and absolute choice with little thought for the ramifications and consequences. 
Every single day we make choices. Hundreds of little and big choices that impact our lives, and those of the people we choose to share them with.  If it's what we have in our first morning coffee or what time we go to bed, it's a CHOICE. There is very little in this world we have to do. Our hearts have to beat, our bodies have to function and our brains have to make a choice. But that's where the have to's end. No, you don't have to abandon the one chance you have to see your daughter/granddaughters on a regular basis. You don't have to run off and not face the life that your choices has led you to. Life is not a series of adventures. It is a series of choices, some easy, some hard. Some lead to adventures, some don't. These are the things that make up our lives.  I am not lucky that I found such a great life. I worked at it. I busted my ass and made the choices that I sometimes didn't want to. 
So now I just wait. I wait for the phone call that the last choice was a bad one. That the
rest of the choices are mine. Now I have to make new choices. Just when I was getting happy with the old ones.

Update: Dad is moving in with the girlfriend but has "come to his senses" about the motorcycle/Colorado/riding into the sunset thing.  We shall see what comes to pass on this one. Fingers crossed.

Here Comes the Sun (dodedodo)

Things are slowly starting to get better.  Sort of.
It's a process. A painfully slow process.  I want what I want and I want it NOW. I'm not good at waiting and have zero patience. Instant Gratification should be my middle name. 
The girls'  schedule is crazy. I'm running to the school a couple times a day sometimes. They are learning that driving to the school 300 times in a day makes Mom nuts and so have been very good about staying a little extra here and there.  Thankfully both of the older girls have after school activities. This way it's not always the same kid waiting for the other one to be done.  Jane has a great after-school program that she just loves so that's extra helpful, too. That way I don't have to worry about picking her up around the others' practice schedules. 
Fiona is on her second day care provider and about to be done there.  Both women have still been in jammies when I got there.  This is your job and I'm giving you money, put on a bra! Just sayin'. So I may have to just say screw it and figure out something else. I know I'm not paying much, but it's only 2 days a week. I remember having much better luck with in-home care when the bigger girls were little. The time she's been in day care has been great. I've actually gotten a lot done (I even have time to update the blog!). And it's been a great break for me. Georgie is still little and is rocking an awesome nap schedule so I can't really complain there. I made the tough decision to to stop nursing her (I'll discuss that later) and I haven't cried about it once today so I think that just might be OK, too. 
It'll get worked out.  It always does.
We're having new furniture delivered today and I'm pretty excited about that.  It seems to all be coming together just enough to keep me from a total breakdown.  Hopefully I haven't just jinxed it, but time will tell. 
I might actually get back to looking like I know what the heck I'm doing and feeling like I'm not going to implode.

Thanks everyone, for hanging on. It was getting a little dark around here, and that actually helped me pull myself out. I realized that I couldn't post another "This Sucks Because" blog or I was going to take this whole thing straight down the toilet. I hope you'll stick around to see what happens next.