Putting on the Big Girl Panties

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A common saying in my house is saying you are or telling someone to "put on your Big Girl panties". That means that like or not, this is how it is and it's time to deal with whatever is going on like a Big Girl. Suck it up, Buttercup. Things are not going to change.
So here I am, digging out the Big Girl panties. Doug has had a pretty full plate at work lately. Like 14+ hour days full. It sucks for me (because we all know this is all about me) because it means spending more time at home on my own. I can handle that. I just don't like it. It's really not about the kids or the housework or getting a break (I'm not gonna lie, that stuff is important). The biggest problem is that I actually like my husband. 14+hour days do not get me a happy husband. Again, this sucks for ME (noticing a theme here?) I don't get the rested, funny, snuggley husband that I like. I get uber-quiet, extra-introverted husband who is just trying to get 20 minutes of rest before he gets to fall into bed and do it all over again.
Plus, things are about to get worse. My loving husband has been chosen for jury duty.  So on top of everything else he has going on he gets to sit in a room and decide the fate of some poor bastard when he would much rather be making a dent in the mountain of work so that there's hope he can get home to his amazing wife!
So here's where it gets to be about me and my panties. I have to be understanding, and patient. Loving but not needy. Supportive, and not bitchy.
Ermahgerd! this is going to SUCK! Like a lot.
This is where I need to channel my inner Big Girl and get to work on things I need to get done; things I don't do or put off because Doug is here and I'd much rather spend time with him than...anything. Maybe if the rain stops and the weather clears I might tackle the garage. Or even the disgusting piles that I call my desk. I could figure out how to use my scanner and organize some crap. I could figure out our budget.
Truthfully this really sucks for my husband the most. Bedtime comes often before he gets home most nights. Mornings are a rushed blur. His whole family has to go on without him while he works his ass off and misses the whole thing. I hope he knows how much we miss him and how we'd much rather he was home and that I do understand that this not just all about me.
I love you.

Blended but Not Quite Smooth

Having a blended family is not what one would call easy.  Most of the time things run without a hitch.  Then there are the other times.
When Doug and I got together and decided that we wanted to make this thing permanent we did so with eyes wide... squinted, really.  A new relationship always comes with its own baggage. We both did. Having been married before we came together with a lot of our own issues. We both spent time making the other pay for sins that weren't theirs and through trial, error, and a whole lot of miscommunication managed to get past it.  I am not She and he is not Him and we've managed to go down that road fairly smoothly.  A decade or so worth of conditioned responses did not always have the outcome that was expected. We learned and we grew and our relationship is stronger for it. 
The biggest difference we had was children.  I came into this with three children and 12 years of parenting experience behind me. Being young, and for a good portion of the stretch, on my own, I had done things a certain way without interference.  Mine was a tightly run ship with no margin for error.  It was my way or the Gypsies - you pick.  I learned quickly as a single mother that there was no room for complacency.  In two parent households you can run the good cop/bad cop in a somewhat alternating fashion without running into a loss of control.  When there is only one cop the game changes and you must be one all of the time or risk a reign of chaos you can not get a handle on.  A common saying became "What I say, when I say it, the way I say it". Without such strict order all could  be lost. Let's face it, I was (and still am) outnumbered.  This was met with a mix of shock and awe. I got comments that ranged from "I'm amazed at your strength - good job. Glad you're not my mom!" to "Your parenting makes us uncomfortable, do you think you're too hard?".  Most days I am secure in my parenting choices. I only need to watch my children in any public or social situation to know I did the right thing. Bad behavior was punished swiftly and fiercely, and the results are evident.  Other days I am wracked with Mommy-Guilt. 
In walks this man willing to step in and step up without qualms of taking on three children not of his making.  He quietly and unceremoniously steps in to help lighten the load. I warned him. I tried to disillusion him to the joys of this family that he was about to make and I was met with a patience that I hadn't known existed. Mine was a world of chaos and he sought to bring order and balance to the control I had such a tenuous death-grip on.  And ever so slightly, I let go. Sort of.
We made Mine into Ours and then added two more little humans into the mix. I'd like to say it all runs smoothly. I'd give my new boobs to be able to say that we have become this cohesive unit that runs as if it was always this way, but it's not.  When I started dating again I refused to date men with children. All of the reasons, all of the fears, and all of the struggles I was unwilling to deal with are  becoming a reality in my own home. It took five years for these to be vocalized to me. I am at a loss. 
The biggest problem we are running into is a disparity in the way the older girls respond to us. They often will ask who they think will give the best answer. Can I go, can I have, is not asked of who is more convenient or available. This is something that all parents deal with. I did it as a teenager. I know Doug did, too. But there is a wound there that will not allow this explanation to be a salve.
Then there is the attitude. First, let me say, these are teenage GIRLS! Attitude is everything. And without it I'm pretty sure there would be a irreparable rift in the universe that would cause the earth to implode. The vacuum created by the lack of exaggerated sighs alone could cause satellites to suddenly fall from their orbits. Unfortunately the issues lies in the girls giving Doug an attitude that they would never dream of giving me.  But without the 12 years of previous dictatorship under his belt it's difficult to be on a level playing field.  I'm sure it's the same attitude that teachers, coaches, and other authority figures get.  But detention, benching, or privilege-revoking are not the deterrents that a lifetime of ingrained obedience is. I believe their response to me vs other authority figures is muscle memory.  In the same way I may learn to be fluent in another language, at this point in my life I  will never learn to think in Icelandic. I will always think in English first and respond in Icelandic in a probably less than ideal way. This is how the girls respond with Doug. This isn't fair. But I don't know how to change it. I struggle - we struggle. 
I am not without my own fault in this. I tend to step in when I shouldn't.  I make decisions without consulting and just generally take over when I really should step back. I know this is not a struggle I make alone. I'm sure this is a commonality everyone with a blended family wishes we didn't share.  All I can do is try to be conscious of this and do the best I can to make it easier on all of us.
I hope my husband can continue to be patient with me. I hope my children listen when I try to explain this to them.  One way or another, it will all work out. I only hope it's for the best. 

My Boyfriend's Back

I was talking with a good friend the other day who was asking how we were settling in.  I was telling her all about how great the girls were doing and how well they were adjusting. 
Then she asked about Doug and I specifically. You see, the last couple of years hasn't been the best for us.  We've both had a lot of job stress and bad communication. We don't communicate the same way. Not in the way that a man and a woman sometimes don't communicate.  More like the way cats and dogs don't communicate. Two different species speaking two different languages.  We went to a therapist in April and he asked us about our backgrounds and previous marriages.  When we were done he told us "To be honest I don't know how this works. It shouldn't. But it does.".  To be honest, we're not entirely sure how it works either. 

Doug and I - Orcas Island 2006

When Doug and I started dating he was going to school full time and I was working 50+ hour weeks with a 2 hour commute.  I was a single mom barely making ends meet. He was the calm to my chaos.  We were engaged after being together just shy of six months.  We had brought things to each others lives that were desperately missing.  We saw a happiness in each other that we had both been looking for.  So we made the leap.  We were veterans, we could do this!
Insert a wedding, honeymoon, pregnancy, job changes, layoffs, financial strain and life. Blend until smooth and serve chilled.  I don't know that either of us could pin-point the moment things got "hard". They just started getting harder. And harder. AND harder. Until it was getting to be too hard.
Then we moved 1200 miles.  Good Lord, whose bright idea was this?  And to the one place that I spent years trying to get away from surrounded by the chaos that I had worked so hard to separate myself from?  Apparently I drink. Or should. The opportunity was worth it.  The chance to take some of the stress and burden from my  husband. To give us some time and space to breathe.  Cut the workload but not the pay.  It had to be worth it. Right?
For the last few months we've struggled. We've fought. I mean really fought. In ways we never have before.  I was left questioning my sanity, my resolve and my marriage. 
Then something started to shift. Slowly but it was happening.  I didn't even see it, until one day it was just there.   I realized I had my husband back. No, that wasn't quite right. I had my boyfriend back! The man that made me smile and laugh. He never took himself or anything else too seriously. He has again been the calm to my chaos. My safety.  My serenity.  He is the one that has taught me that the worry and the stress only bring on more worry and stress and in the end all you can do is what you can do and anything else... it'll all fall into place. 
I don't know how it works, but it does. It shouldn't. But it does. I am reminded of why I married this man. I am given a glimpse of the man that whisked me away to an island where I was hit with sense of Knowing. He would always be there and we would always be together and I loved him.  I married him because that feeling never diminished.  Even when it did, when I was questioning it the most, it came back. I am reminded of the ebb and flow that is marriage - like the tides on that island. I have my safety and my serenity again.  I can breath. I can laugh. 
I love you, Doug. With all that I am and with all of my tomorrows. 

And now back to our regularly scheduled chaos...

Control Issues

So we all know I’m a crazy bish with control issues. Seriously, I don’t try to hide or deny it. The more stressed I am the worse it gets. With the stress level lately trying to get everything ready for the move you can imagine what a peach I’ve been to be around.  Add to that a steady diet of Diet Coke and chocolate I’m just about wired for sound.  This is all a recipe for an OCD cocktail that just might explode if you’re not careful.  I think my husband has been at least mildly thankful that his schedule has kept him out of the line of fire. 

There is reason behind my madness, though.  When chaos reins supreme as it has the last few months my brain requires control.  If you know me at all you know that my life is normally filled with some kind of chaos, so how can this really be any different? Well, usually it’s a chaos of my own creation and I know where the limits are.  I do brew my own proprietary brand of crazy and am able to happily work within the confines that requires.  Trust me, live in my head long enough and you find ways to make this work.  When there’s extra crazy, that’s when things get dicey.  I then require to have a gargantuan amount of control over, well, everything.

I also have a wicked fear of heights. Not so much heights as falling.  I think more accurately it’s that sudden stop at the end that’s the real problem.  I do have a rather vivid imagination and can see everything that’s going to happen from the time I’m somewhere Up until how I horrifically make it to Down. That also requires an uncontrolled fall for an indeterminate amount of time (see above). All in all, not good.

I explained all that to tell you this:

My husband tried to kill me. No shit, thought I was gonna die, all his fault and the bastard did it on purpose! I’m not sure if he was going for the driving-us-off-a-cliff-fireball-of-death-down-a-mountain or giving me a heart attack because I was imagining the driving-us-off-a-cliff-fireball-of-death-down-a-mountain.  Let me explain. I usually drive. I just do. I always have (ahem, control issues). And, mountain roads scare the hell out of me (the whole heights/falling/ sudden stop thing).  Doug, trying to be a sweet husband, had offered to drive (and had to continue to drive because of some freak issue with my power seats). I prefer to drive on mountain roads because if I’m gonna die from driving-us-off-a-cliff-fireball-of-death-down-a-mountain then I’d rather try to control it.  Instead I spent  a good 20 miles curled in a little ball in the passenger seat with a white knuckled grip on the arm rest and my eyes squeezed tightly shut praying that we didn’t all die in that aforementioned fireball and trying not to whimper or out-right cry.  Not one of my proudest moments.  We did get to re-play the whole thing again when we drove down the Oregon coast for a few hours.  All he could do was shake his head and ask “Seriously?”.  Especially, since the second time I wasn’t able to stifle the whimper and about crawled onto the center console. Yes, I’m crazy. And as I like to remind him, he signed up for this shit on purpose.

Needless to say we are not going to be continuing down the 101 and visiting the great California Redwood forest. I don’t think my nerves could take it. Maybe next year.

Oh what a day!

Today has been a really big day for us. First and foremost Doug got a new job! YAY! I won't butcher the details of his job, but he'll be working for a company called Impark in Seattle. It's a bit of a commute but he'll be able to take the train in some days. I'm so proud of him! It's been a blessing to have him home. I will definitely miss him when he goes back to work and I know Fi will miss her Papa-Time during the day. But, it's great to be able to get back on track. I know he was starting to get a little antsy here with me all day.

Krystyne had a meeting with a modeling agency in Seattle today. She was approached by a scout at the auditions for the mall fashion show and we made an appointment with the gal. She said she really liked how Krysty looked and thought that she would be great for their agency. We went to the office, they took some measurements and some pictures and she will present Krysty's photos to the group to see if they are interested in picking her up. If they do it means getting head-shots, but that will be the only money we have to put out. They will do the work on getting her promoted and getting her work. I told her not to get her hopes up too high, but I know she is excited. Of course we all think she's beautiful, but we'll see what they say. I am excited for her.

Allie has been working very, VERY hard on her school work lately. She has been asking since last year if she could have her hair pink. I told her that when she brought home a report card with all A's and B's that I would dye her hair pink for her. This has been a real struggle as we have been fighting with getting assignments turned in as well as asking for help and using the resources available to her when she is struggling in something. Well all of her hard work has finally paid off and she was able to have her hair dyed! It was a fun time for the two of us and I know I really enjoyed the whole process. This is kind of a big deal, as she is the only girl in her grade to have her hair this way. My hands are bright pink from rinsing it but thankfully I don't really have to go anywhere that it'd matter. Doug and I are SO VERY PROUD of all the hard work that she has done lately. There have been some long nights, some fights, and some tears of frustrations from all of us. Tonight was the reward for all of it. This was fun!

She looks beautiful no matter what the color!

Maybe I'm Amazed

Watching Doug with Fiona has been such an amazing experience. He has astounded me with how natural he is at taking care of her. There are still things that he forgets. Like making sure she has on a clean, dry diaper before putting clothes on her - especially when we are going somewhere. But there are so many other things that he does that he is better at than I am. When she's in her swing or her bed and starts to fuss I will start to go to her and he stops me and says "she's just fussing, just give her a minute". Sure enough, she calms down in just a few moments and is fine. He can calm her faster than I can and put her to sleep deeper. He says it comes from spending most of the time trying to keep her quiet so I can sleep or work. I think it comes from more than that. These things come naturally to him. He has almost endless patience with all of the children. Patience I can't even pretend to have. It's been a real gift to share these things with him.

Valentine's Day

We had a wonderful Valentine's Day. After cards (all of the one's Doug got us made me cry) and chocolate we headed into Seattle. One of these days I WILL make it to Woodland park zoo. By the time we got into Seattle and had lunch it was after 2. The zoo closes at 4. No point in going for a couple hours. So we skipped it. Again. We will have to make that an early trip one day.
We headed to the science center instead. We have a membership there and should really use it more. But for us, using it twice a year makes it worth the cost of it. The girls had a good time. We went to the Lucy exhibit which was pretty interesting. Lucy is the oldest human remains ever found. There was a lot of history on Ethiopia and I really enjoyed it. I know it got a little long winded at the end for the girls but it was still pretty cool. There wasn't much time after to wander the rest of it but the kids still had fun. Whenever we go we make sure to go to the butterfly house. I love the warmth, the light and the butterflies all around. Fi could've cared less about the butterflies but it was fun for me.
It was nice just to spend some time together. Family outings are fun, we just need to do them more. Now that the weather is clearing up a bit I may look into some day hikes and such. Maybe we'll head to the falls or the coast soon. Even a good hiking trail to the mountains would be great. I should keep an eye out for some kayaks. I think the girls would like that.

First Pictures for February

Doug is finally learning not to move when I pick up my camera. It's not always easy to catch these moments but it's great when you can. I absolutely LOVE my camera. It's one of the most expensive things I've ever bought for myself but I'm glad I did it. I wish I had more time to get in the technical side but for now I'll be content with catching shots like these.