Sometimes Being A Mom Means Letting Go

That's something I've been working on lately.  And it's not easy for me.
At 7:30 this morning I was outside, in the cold, letting  Georgie jump on the trampoline. Still in her jammies. At 7:30 in the morning!  After about 20 minutes I was finally able to convince her to go inside. Her fingers and nose were bright red.  She was all snotty. But her eyes were bright and happy and she got out some pent up energy. She had fun. She "jumped" (bending her knees and straightening them again, while yelling JUMP!), she ran, she fell, and she giggled. It was fun for her. Truthfully it was fun for me, too. The kid is just too cute of her own good. Jumping on the trampoline at 7:30 in the morning, in jammies, is not something I would normally do. I don't know brought out this little loosening of control this morning but I'm glad I did it.
I've been letting all of the kids do more lately. They all run around and do things with their friends, and enjoy themselves. It's good for them. It's what kids are supposed to do! But it's hard for me sometimes. Especially at a time where I am struggling with where I am. I prefer to have all the kids home. It makes me feel safe and in control to know they're here and we're all together. But I have to remember they're kids. And I'm crazy. My mom put a lot of her crazy on me and I struggle not to do that with my own kids.
I have a countdown on my computer to when Krysty leaves for boot-camp. Maybe I shouldn't. Bur right now it's something I need. It's a reminder that way too soon she will be out in the world and starting her life on her own. It's a way to remind myself that time is precious. It's not always a pleasant reminder. But it is part of letting go. Your oldest child graduating high school and moving on in the world seems like such an abstract thought. Even to me. But it's not. Here and now I am working on letting go of her. Just a little. Her independence is startling sometimes. Isn't that how I raised her to be? I still catch glimpses of my little girl; I still see the child she hasn't entirely grown out of being. Those are more and more rare. More often I see the woman she is becoming. That's scary for me.
I look at Georgiana and wonder how Krystyne is not that age any more. As I watch all of them in their different stages I wonder how we ever got this far.
I still have so far to go. Thankfully there's five of them and maybe by the time Georgiana is where Krystyne is now I may have gotten this whole Mom thing down.

Happiness is a made bed

For all that is holy this is one of those things that just makes me happy. It's right up there with valet parking and coffee made by someone else. You'd think that I would  be one of those people that makes their bed every day with the great appreciation I hold for this simple part of every day life; I'm not. But I'm working on it.
I've been struggling lately with being happy. There's a restlessness and unease about me that I don't like. I love my husband, my children, and my life. There's just some external factors that weigh heavy on my head and have just made things difficult for me. But, over our Christmas vacation I was able to get some much needed rest and release a breath I hadn't realized I was holding.  I've always been one to trot out the phrase "If you're not happy with your life,  change it". I'm a firm believer in this. A life is either moving forward or becoming stagnant. If you are not happy with something change it. If you don't like the results, try something else. Like many people get, I've been caught in my own web of "this sucks". I'm stomping my feet and shouting at the heavens about how much I don't like XYZ and not making any forward momentum.

So I've changed my tactic. There are things I'm not happy with and can not change. There are things that I am working on that are going to take time. Patience is not one of my virtues. (Stop laughing, I have them!) There are things in my life that I can control. I am very affected by my surroundings.  Mess makes me anxious. You couldn't tell that right off based on the normal state of my house but it's true. Right now I am striving to put my physical house back in order so that I might be able to get my mental "house" (yeah, I see it. Shut up) back to something that resembles normal. Well, normal for me.
I've worked my butt off this weekend trying to restore some order in my house and my head. I've cleaned the kitchen repeatedly (the dishwasher is running for the 5th time in 2 days). I've added art and pictures to the walls. I cleaned out the cat box (totally not my yob man), cleaned up the dining room, done laundry, and cleaned my bedroom. Most importantly for me right now is my bed is made. I'm about to turn in for the night and I'm excited by the fact that I get to climb in a made bed. I'd be over-the-moon if the sheets were fresh but I had my limits this weekend. I did more this weekend than I have in a month. But I feel better for it. I want to continue this momentum for as long as I can. My goal is to make my bed every single day. This I can control. This makes me happy. This is what I will concentrate on, and I will not dwell on what I can not change and what I can not control.
What is one thing that you could do every day that makes you happy?

Wow, It's Been a While

I can't believe it's been 3 months since I've been here! There's been so much that has happened. And like always I've let things percolate in my head for days weeks months without doing anything about them!

October was a crazy month and I guess it's just taken me this long to process it all. Truly there was about a week in there that just completely changed our lives forever. While it didn't seem so monumental at the time, looking back there was a LOT that happened in just a few short days. 

First, Krystyne swore into the United States Marine Corps. Yup, my daughter is going to be one of The Few and The Proud. I'm just as shocked by the whole thing as everyone else. It was a long time in getting her down to processing and (in normal military fashion) and absolute cluster-f*ck of paperwork and other reasons that kept her from swearing in. We eventually got it all under control and swear in she did. She leaves for boot camp on June 17th.  Just three short weeks after her high school graduation. 164 days from today. Yes, there is a ticker on my computer and I am keeping track. Some days it's to remind me that there isn't much time left. Other days it's to remind me how little time is left.

The change that she has undergone in the last three months is nothing short of miraculous. There were days when I dropped her off at the recruiters' office and double checked that they couldn't take her now, like right fucking now! Flippant doesn't do justice to the attitude I was getting! They promised me it would get better and it has. The transformation that I have seen in her in the last 3 months has been nothing short of miraculous.  I baked a bit plate of cookies for them for Christmas and feel like I should do it once a week for what they've done for my daughter. And she hasn't even left for boot camp yet. I can't wait to see what 13 weeks in Parris Island will send back.

Krysty also got her driver's license and turned 18 (in December). All in the same week. I survived. Barely. The baby that made me a mom for the very first time is a legal adult. Making very adult commitments. I'm surprised all of my hair didn't fall out. I am having some serious aging issues. If she's an adult(-ish) then I must be. Shit. I don't like it.

Jane turned 13 in October, the day before Krysty swore-in. Another Mommy-Milestone I'm not quite ready for. She's turning into such a beautiful girl. She's doing great in school. She's got fantastic grades and is coming home with a ton of awards. She's doing the California Cadet Corps program at her school and doing very well there, too. She's got her sights set on the military as well and is enjoying all that she is learning.

The biggest life-changer of October was my dad coming to live with us. He's been battling prostate cancer for a few years now. It recently came out of remission and he's in treatment. Treatment is working now and for that I am eternally grateful.

Honestly it's been really great. My dad and I have never been close, but we have that chance now. There was a whole ton of crap from my childhood I'll not dig up here, but we just never really had a relationship. He just wasn't there. In and out as I was growing up, but never a constant. There's no anger there. It just was. I don't explore it too much, I just kind of go with it. But I do know that having this time with him now is a blessing. It also helps that I have a more than full-house and he has a touch of OCD. Coffee gets made every night before he goes to bed, and the dining table gets cleaned regularly. Seriously, who could ask for more. It's the extra set of hands I always needed combined with a chance to have my kids know my dad in a way I never was able to.  Georgiana is his little buddy and it just warms my heart. Walking down the hallway and hearing Fi talking to him and finding her snuggled on his bed watching TV is priceless.  The older kids are getting the chance to know him, too.

I know one day that things are going to get hard. He's going to get really sick and eventually die. And  the responsibility that comes with that will fall on me. I'm OK with it. I'm living one day at a time and understanding that it will be the cost of what I have now.   So for now he's my Saturday Shopping Buddy, my extra hands around the house, with the kids, and even at work. He kept me company when during the month from Thanksgiving to Christmas Doug was working late.

So as you can see things seemed to explode for about a month! Then The Holidays showed up. I'm pretty sure I didn't give the go-ahead on that. But apparently I am not the one that gets to set the schedule (who's bright idea was that?).  Allie and Jane went on vacation to their dad's in Virginia for 3 weeks. Doug, me, and the remaining girls made a trip to Angels Camp, California for Christmas, and Dad opted to stay behind and wallow in the quiet for 5 days.

So, there it is. My last three months in a nutshell. I'll make my quarterly resolution to get back to blogging more often. And I'll probably be back in another three months with a recap.

Odd Silver-Like Lining

I've been doing some research on kindergarten readiness lately.  I know it seems a little premature, but Fiona will be 4 in about 8 weeks. The natural progression of things is that she will then turn 5 a year later and should be in kindergarten at that time. So with that thought process I only have a year to make sure that she's ready to start school. Less than that if she's one of those kids we all knew that started kindergarten at 4 because of when their birthday was. Plus, school starts in August around here so technically kindergarten registration is just around the corner.
I called the local elementary school to find out about registration and cut off dates and everything that goes with it.  What I found out was surprising and a bit irritating, but with an odd silver-like lining.  The cut off date for our district is November 1. What that means is that kids that turn 5 before November 1 can start kindergarten. After November 1 they will need to wait until the next year to start.  Here's my problem with that; with that schedule Fiona would then turn 6 while still in kindergarten.  That's not really that big of a deal. What is a big deal is that would mean she would be 19 when she graduated high school. What I do not want is a 19 year old senior! What I don't need is a sophomore than can drive a year ahead of all of her classmates. There's just no way that can have a good outcome.  The office administrator told me that they'll be making the cut-off date even earlier next year and the year after. Holy crap people! At this rate kids won't graduate until they're 20!
You have to wonder why this change is happening. I've read different articles over the last few years about the changes in kindergarten curriculum; How we now expect our kindergarteners to preform at a level that was previously thought of as first (and sometimes) second grade.  Kindergarten is not for teaching the basics (letters, shapes) and leaving it up to first grade to teach reading, but is now for teaching the basics of reading, sentence writing, science, and math.  Preschool used to be something rare. Now it seems the talk of all my mom-friends the second their little bundle turns two. With apparently a good reason. Unless you're an educator yourself, how can you expect to get your child ready for the expectations they will be faced with the second they hit the "real" classrooms?  It seems that most daycare situations have an integrated preschool program. If you are a dual income family and have your kids in daycare the problem seems to just take care of itself.
But what of the stay-at-home or work-at-home mom like me? We're expected to put out of pocket for (what seems like) a necessary (rather large) expense if our kids are going to have the skills they need when they enter the first year of their education.  Or you spend hours doing research and buying curriculum to try to mitigate the cost at least a little bit.  That's the path we've chosen.  Thankfully Fiona seems to be a little knowledge-sponge and soaks up every bit of anything you can throw at her.  Thanks to the show Dinosaur Train on PBS she can tell you facts about dinosaurs I can't remember or even spell. She knows whether or not they're herbivores, carnivores, or omnivores, and what that means! Mickey Mouse Clubhouse has taught her letters, numbers and shapes. Lots of time on www.abcmouse.com has helped her with putting it all together in a way I'd never know how to teach her. We just ordered activity packs from 123 Textured Products for some more hands-on activities.
Why are we doing this if she won't be heading to school next year? Well, here's the odd silver-like lining.  When she turns 5 she will be eligible to be evaluated for kindergarten.  When the child turns five they're brought into the classroom for a month and evaluated by the teacher.  If the teacher feels that she knows what she needs to know and is on par with the other kids in the class she will be able to complete the rest of the school year with the rest of the kids and go into first grade the following year.  For us that means getting Fiona ready in the next year is even more important than if she was just to start when her birthday dictated.  If you know Fiona, you know she'll be more than ready to start at 5. Even if we did nothing. 
As we ready one child to head out into the world, we are getting another started on her school years. Amazing.

Tonight I Am Grateful

Tonight I am grateful.
I am grateful for the makers of Tylenol and Motrin, for giving my sick little baby girl some relief.
I am grateful for my job, where I am afforded the luxury to work part time, even when that means almost not at all, because I can be here when my babies need me.
I am grateful for my husband's job. Even though I wish he was home to help with the work of two sick toddlers, it is his job that allows us to have insurance for the doctor's office visit we made today.
I am grateful for older children. I am amazed at how they step up and show responsibility when I need them to the most.
I am grateful for the daughter who let her little sister have a "sleep-over" in her room because she understood the healing power for cuddles, a movie, and someone to love.
I am grateful for recliners that let me rock my sick baby to sleep.
I am grateful for the silence that has given me the opportunity to reflect. While today has been a struggle, it is not without it's value. Today I am softer. I am more understanding than I would expect of myself. Today I have been humbled by my life. When I am feeling overwhelmed or exasperated or restless I have been forced to stop and see the things in my life that matter the most to me.
I am grateful for baby-drool on my shoulder. It tells me that my daughter has found enough relief to sleep.
Tonight, I am grateful.

Little Georgie Grace

My poor littlest child has had a rough time of it the last week. The weekend before last she had a fever for 4 days. The highest was 104. There was nothing else wrong with her and it responded well to medicine so I left her be. Other than being hot and miserable there was nothing else going on. She eventually came out the other side of it on Wednesday and was getting back to her happy self.
Thursday brought us another round of misery. Krysty was getting the little girls in the car while I grabbed my purse and came out behind them. As I get to the door Krysty is running up in a panic with an unconscious Georgiana "Mommy, she fell! She fell and hit her head!". We have a bit of a grade in our driveway and she fell. Instead of falling forward like she normally does, she fell back and hit her head on the concrete. Krysty picked her up and said she went limp in her arms. As soon as I grabbed Georgie she came to, looked a little stunned, but seemed OK. She was responding to me, even if she did look a little dazed. I called and had my mom come over right away. I opted to not go to the ER, but got into an office appointment fairly quickly (after some arguments - she LOST CONSCIOUSNESS! D'uh!). She came away fine from the exam and the doctor said to just watch her. You can sure count on that one.
I can not convey the rush of emotions I felt when I first saw her in Krysty's arms. Between Krysty's panic and Georgie's lack of expression I was surprised at how well I was able to string together the thoughts I was. I did a quick inventory of where in my purse my phone was, whether or not Krysty would be able to call 911 as upset as she was, and how I was going to get Fiona out of the car and back in the house while we waited for the ambulance. All of this was in the span it took me to understand what Krysty was telling me and to take Georgiana from her. Thankfully I didn't have to use any of that "planning". Thankfully she was fine. I know that I'll still have to watch her for a long time. I'll still have to watch for signs that there was no other injury that didn't present itself straight-away is there. But, the panic was minimal and so far she's doing great.
Well, sort of great. Last night the fever came back. And now there's snot. And coughing. And breathing that's a little more labored than it should be. So we'll head to the doctor's office again. Just to be sure that it's not something to be concerned about.
My poor little Georgiana Grace. It's been a rough week for her. Hopefully this all clears up soon and she's back to being herself. 

Homesick From Home

"Back Home" is a phrase used by geographically transplanted individuals when speaking about their home-town. But what do you say when you've finally moved back home and it, well... isn't?
It's been more than a year and I find that I'm still struggling to feel settle in.  I think my biggest problem is that I still haven't branched out very much socially. I want to. I really do. I have plans to. But I just haven't gotten there yet. I have the time. Well, I could make the time. I could use the time I currently use as my Me time to do something that might actually be beneficial to me. Of course that would make normal, logical, rational sense. I don't want to go doing too much of that now.
It's funny that I never saw my life in Bonney Lake evolving into what it became. It just sort of happened. I did what grown ups are supposed to do. I moved into a crappy apartment, I got a job, I met a man, we moved to the suburbs, got married, had a baby and even bought a goddamn minivan! My family was good, my friends were fantastic, and I was happy. My husband's job was having issues so we transferred.
And now here we are and everyone else is happy. My husband is rockin' it at work, Krysty's a cheerleader, Allie's in band, Jane's in Cadet Corps and band, and the little girls are too little for it to really matter just yet. But me? I'm still feeling lost. I'm still feeling like I've been stuck in this alien world that is, unfortunately, all too familiar.  I've made a couple local friends. I'm on the board for the boosters. We're at all the football games and all the concerts and activities but I just don't feel a part of it like I did in Bonney Lake. And I know that I'm not. And I know that it's my own damn fault. What I don't know, is how to get past this. How to actually get out there and do what I know intellectually I need to go do. If I was counseling a friend I would tell them to quit being such a baby and just get out there and do it.
But that's scary. And so I sequester myself in my house and obsess. Over everything. Every. Thing. I'm sure I'm making my husband question my sanity (in a different way than he normally does).  I'm pretty tightly wound under normal circumstances. At this stage I'm pretty much wired for sound at any given moment. I'd like to think that I'm doing better than I ever have in this type of situation. I think the fact that I recognize it and can almost string a intelligent thought together about it is a huge step forward. It's not always been this easy. 
Social networking definitely doesn't make the whole thing easier. While it's great for keeping in touch with everyone you never had time to keep up with before (and some you really wish you could step away from but can't look away from the train-wreck), it's hard to pull yourself away and find the company of real people. For people like me, highly social yet socially anxious, it's an excuse that keeps us from getting out and making new connections.
So I'm working on it. And missing everyone so very, very, very much. I wish I could go back. I want my family to have the happiness they have here and for me to have the hapiness I had there. The only real solution is to get out there and make it for myself. It's going to be a long hard road. But I'll get there. Thankfully I have some really great friends and Facebook to help me get through it.