Tonight I Am Grateful

Tonight I am grateful.
I am grateful for the makers of Tylenol and Motrin, for giving my sick little baby girl some relief.
I am grateful for my job, where I am afforded the luxury to work part time, even when that means almost not at all, because I can be here when my babies need me.
I am grateful for my husband's job. Even though I wish he was home to help with the work of two sick toddlers, it is his job that allows us to have insurance for the doctor's office visit we made today.
I am grateful for older children. I am amazed at how they step up and show responsibility when I need them to the most.
I am grateful for the daughter who let her little sister have a "sleep-over" in her room because she understood the healing power for cuddles, a movie, and someone to love.
I am grateful for recliners that let me rock my sick baby to sleep.
I am grateful for the silence that has given me the opportunity to reflect. While today has been a struggle, it is not without it's value. Today I am softer. I am more understanding than I would expect of myself. Today I have been humbled by my life. When I am feeling overwhelmed or exasperated or restless I have been forced to stop and see the things in my life that matter the most to me.
I am grateful for baby-drool on my shoulder. It tells me that my daughter has found enough relief to sleep.
Tonight, I am grateful.

Little Georgie Grace

My poor littlest child has had a rough time of it the last week. The weekend before last she had a fever for 4 days. The highest was 104. There was nothing else wrong with her and it responded well to medicine so I left her be. Other than being hot and miserable there was nothing else going on. She eventually came out the other side of it on Wednesday and was getting back to her happy self.
Thursday brought us another round of misery. Krysty was getting the little girls in the car while I grabbed my purse and came out behind them. As I get to the door Krysty is running up in a panic with an unconscious Georgiana "Mommy, she fell! She fell and hit her head!". We have a bit of a grade in our driveway and she fell. Instead of falling forward like she normally does, she fell back and hit her head on the concrete. Krysty picked her up and said she went limp in her arms. As soon as I grabbed Georgie she came to, looked a little stunned, but seemed OK. She was responding to me, even if she did look a little dazed. I called and had my mom come over right away. I opted to not go to the ER, but got into an office appointment fairly quickly (after some arguments - she LOST CONSCIOUSNESS! D'uh!). She came away fine from the exam and the doctor said to just watch her. You can sure count on that one.
I can not convey the rush of emotions I felt when I first saw her in Krysty's arms. Between Krysty's panic and Georgie's lack of expression I was surprised at how well I was able to string together the thoughts I was. I did a quick inventory of where in my purse my phone was, whether or not Krysty would be able to call 911 as upset as she was, and how I was going to get Fiona out of the car and back in the house while we waited for the ambulance. All of this was in the span it took me to understand what Krysty was telling me and to take Georgiana from her. Thankfully I didn't have to use any of that "planning". Thankfully she was fine. I know that I'll still have to watch her for a long time. I'll still have to watch for signs that there was no other injury that didn't present itself straight-away is there. But, the panic was minimal and so far she's doing great.
Well, sort of great. Last night the fever came back. And now there's snot. And coughing. And breathing that's a little more labored than it should be. So we'll head to the doctor's office again. Just to be sure that it's not something to be concerned about.
My poor little Georgiana Grace. It's been a rough week for her. Hopefully this all clears up soon and she's back to being herself. 

Homesick From Home

"Back Home" is a phrase used by geographically transplanted individuals when speaking about their home-town. But what do you say when you've finally moved back home and it, well... isn't?
It's been more than a year and I find that I'm still struggling to feel settle in.  I think my biggest problem is that I still haven't branched out very much socially. I want to. I really do. I have plans to. But I just haven't gotten there yet. I have the time. Well, I could make the time. I could use the time I currently use as my Me time to do something that might actually be beneficial to me. Of course that would make normal, logical, rational sense. I don't want to go doing too much of that now.
It's funny that I never saw my life in Bonney Lake evolving into what it became. It just sort of happened. I did what grown ups are supposed to do. I moved into a crappy apartment, I got a job, I met a man, we moved to the suburbs, got married, had a baby and even bought a goddamn minivan! My family was good, my friends were fantastic, and I was happy. My husband's job was having issues so we transferred.
And now here we are and everyone else is happy. My husband is rockin' it at work, Krysty's a cheerleader, Allie's in band, Jane's in Cadet Corps and band, and the little girls are too little for it to really matter just yet. But me? I'm still feeling lost. I'm still feeling like I've been stuck in this alien world that is, unfortunately, all too familiar.  I've made a couple local friends. I'm on the board for the boosters. We're at all the football games and all the concerts and activities but I just don't feel a part of it like I did in Bonney Lake. And I know that I'm not. And I know that it's my own damn fault. What I don't know, is how to get past this. How to actually get out there and do what I know intellectually I need to go do. If I was counseling a friend I would tell them to quit being such a baby and just get out there and do it.
But that's scary. And so I sequester myself in my house and obsess. Over everything. Every. Thing. I'm sure I'm making my husband question my sanity (in a different way than he normally does).  I'm pretty tightly wound under normal circumstances. At this stage I'm pretty much wired for sound at any given moment. I'd like to think that I'm doing better than I ever have in this type of situation. I think the fact that I recognize it and can almost string a intelligent thought together about it is a huge step forward. It's not always been this easy. 
Social networking definitely doesn't make the whole thing easier. While it's great for keeping in touch with everyone you never had time to keep up with before (and some you really wish you could step away from but can't look away from the train-wreck), it's hard to pull yourself away and find the company of real people. For people like me, highly social yet socially anxious, it's an excuse that keeps us from getting out and making new connections.
So I'm working on it. And missing everyone so very, very, very much. I wish I could go back. I want my family to have the happiness they have here and for me to have the hapiness I had there. The only real solution is to get out there and make it for myself. It's going to be a long hard road. But I'll get there. Thankfully I have some really great friends and Facebook to help me get through it.

The New Normal

Well, the older girls are officially back in school and the chaos has begun! With three kids in school balancing everything gets pretty tricky as it is. Add two toddlers into the mix and it's a little more challenging. Plus the fact that we're dealing with two different schools. Oh, and four different activities for the three kids. Like I said, chaos.
Krystyne made varsity cheer this year. We're really excited for her. She's wanted to be a cheerleader since she was little. I'm glad that she's able to make this a part of her senior year. For her this means practice every day after school until 5:30. Once football games start she'll be at all of the home games, a couple of away games and who knows what else. She's got fundraisers and practices and all kinds of other things.
Allie is back in marching band this year. She practices three times a week until 5, and again, once football season starts that's where you'll find her, too.  At least that puts her and Krystyne in the same spot! But marching band for Allie means Boosters for me and Doug. I'm the Booster Treasurer this year and that's a pretty time consuming deal on its own.  Soon we'll start with tournaments most Saturdays and figuring out how to make all that work out. With the little girls getting bigger it will be harder to have them in tow for these things.
Jane is in middle school this year. She's started in band as well. Thankfully no marching! But, there are parent meetings and performances to go to. She also joined the California Cadet Corps. It's a JROTC type program.  Since she has a plan to join the military after high school this will be good for her. Plus it gives her more of the structure that she needs. It's another thing that will mean finding space and juggling already crazy schedules. But if she's enjoying it, it is definitely worth it.  She also attends the after school program every day until 5:45. It's just an activities program put on by the YMCA, but it gives them homework time and organized activities that keep them busy after school. She can walk home most days (when the weather is something closer to reasonable) and it saves me a trip. I'm really excited for this year for her. She's got a lot on her plate but I think she'll do really well. 
This whole thing leaves me and the little girls to our own devices until at least 5, three days a week. Tuesdays and Fridays Allie gets home around 3 so I need to figure out how to adjust my own schedule accordingly. Once football season really starts we'll be at the games on Friday nights.  If I can figure out a schedule during the day for me and the little girls I think things will go more smoothly.  I'm thinking park trips in the morning and working after lunch while they nap (once the weather breaks to under 100!). I've been getting little spurts of stuff done. Nothing that is a major accomplishment, but lots of little things. That's most of my days anyway, so at least I feel like I'm making progress.

I Actually Made Something From Pinterest!

I know!  I was shocked, too! I've managed to dwindle down my Pinterest time to something a little less embarrassing lately. It's usually where I spend time when I've refreshed Facebook 8 times already and it seems no one is up to anything more and I'm stuck on hold with an insurance company. In my wandering the other day I found a recipe for DIY coffee creamer. We're big coffee junkies here. I like my coffee sweet and creamy; usually just *this* side of a latte. Coffee creamer is expensive since I've stopped couponing and I'm always looking for recipes to make my own anything. Not that I actually make most of it, but I still want to know that I can should a magic fairy ever come down and suddenly make my chaos something less time consuming.
I found a recipe that seemed simple enough - equal parts sweetened condensed milk and milk or milk substitute (almond milk at my house), and some flavoring (I used coffee syrup). D'uh. Even I could do that! And I actually did! I need to be careful I don't pull something with all the back patting I'm doing.
Now the original blog has all these fancy pictures and stuff. Had I thought of it as I was making it or was that fancy-pants enough I might have done something similar. But, if you've been here more than once you know something like that doesn't really happen all that often.
End result? Awesome! Love it! Total cost for 20oz was $1.85. That's all I spent on the condensed milk. I had the almond milk and  the flavor syrup already. I used the sugar-free caramel syrup and added some cinnamon. Of course I had to make myself a cup to try it out right away. Yummy!
I will say that I could taste the "milk" in the first few sips. I'm not a fan of milk and  neither is my tummy in any kind of high concentration, but this seems to be OK. After the initial taste it was gone and I don't notice it. Certainly not for the lactose intolerant or anyone with milk allergies. I just find the stuff nasty and since I don't drink it and use a rather small amount of dairy other than for cooking I noticed the taste.
This is one of those recipes for something I could just as easily buy in the store that I think I'll keep using. Making your own convenience foods isn't always worth the effort, but this definitely is!
I better head to bed so I can get up and have more coffee (and) creamer...

Over-Sensitive Much?

I'm generally pretty easy going. And by that I mean I don't offend easily. Everyone is entitled to their opinion and even if I don't agree that's OK. I'm a big girl and I can deal with it. You're obviously an idiot because you don't see it my way but we don't all have to agree all the time. Let's just agree to disagree (and I'll be Judgy McJudgerson in my head. Mostly.)
There is one point when I am not entirely rational. I call it the Mock-Single-Mom. When a happily married, healthy relationship having (usually a SAHM) woman has husband or other significant other that is for whatever reason not home for more than a few nights. Sometimes it's a week or two. And then the comments start. "So done being a single-mom" or "God I hate doing the single-mom thing".  It sends me into a rage. It's not rational. I get it. I totally understand 100% what is being said and the message that is trying to be conveyed.  I do. Doing shit on your own when you normally have a loving, helpful, understanding partner in your life that is suddenly not there to do the shit that you need them to do for days on end blows. What do you mean I have to take out the garbage? ALL THE WAY TO THE CURB?!?! But that's his job. Insert feet stomping and pouting. Explaining to a toddler why Daddy can't give kisses because he's in Cleavland on business is hard (and almost overwhelmingly heartbreaking). When there's no way to tap-out of the monumental fit that's being thrown or the referee to come in when you're trying to decide if you can lock them in the dog kennel without the neighbors noticing for like 20 minutes, life does kind of suck. It's hard. Parenting is a two person gig. It really is. That's why it takes two people to make babies. You need two people for the whole process. And having that person you've come to depend on suddenly not be there when you really need them to be sucks. Especially on those days when he walks through the door and you yell 1-2-3 NOT IT! And run to grab a glass bottle of wine. They're supposed to be there. D'uh.
But they're not. Shit.
I guess my problem is that I take this comment personally. And I don't usually take shit personally; but this gets me every time. I've been a single mom. Being a single mom sucks rancid monkey balls. Especially in the first year (I wasn't really single much longer than that so that's what I know. I'm pretty sure it goes on no matter how long you're single). There is no one else. Even if you do have awesome family (I didn't) and even more awesome friends (I did) it's still all on you. ALL OF IT. All of the time. And no matter the custody situation, when it's your turn you're on your own. All of that worrying you do late at night, whispering your fears and insecurities to your husband in the dark? That's all on you. There's no one to whisper back that you're really doing OK and you're not fucking up your kids so bad they'll never forgive you. You fall asleep most nights exhausted trying to figure out how to make it all work out. There are good an happy times, because you have to make sure that there are. But for you, these times are peppered with guilt and frustration and regret that you couldn't make it better because it's just you. Every parenting insecurity you ever had is hovering just outside your peripheral. All. The. Time. The times when you think you're going to do it are there; when you're confident and think everything might just be OK after all. And then someone has a meltdown, or throws up at school, or, or, or, or, or... and there's no back up.  You realize just what the "single" part of single-parent means on a visceral level.
I think I take this so personally is because, for me, my divorce and decision to become a single-mom was the biggest failure of my life. I don't for one moment regret my decision. I don't think that there was anything that I could have done that would have saved my first marriage. However, I know in my heart that I did not do everything in my power to try to make it better. I could have fought harder. I could have tried 100 different things, but I didn't. I see it as a personal failure. It was my marriage and it failed. Therefore, I failed.  My ex-husband was an asshole of galactic proportions. He'll admit to that. When we failed, I failed. There is no one on this earth that will ever convince me differently.
This is my personal demon and it's hard to hear someone be flip about something that caused me so much pain. I know there is no malice in the hearts of my friends when they use this. It's a simple turn-of-phrase. These women are my friends! These are the women I turn to when I need to bitch about Doug not taking out the garbage - again. Or the size of my ass, or the gray hair I pulled out of my head, or any of another million little (and big) things I love my friends for.
I said I know this isn't rational. This is my issue. This is my crazy. So ladies, if I bite your head off, or leave a snippy comment, or don't guffaw at something obviously hilarious it's OK. We all have our shit, and this is just some of mine.
When your husband comes home, love him. Hug him. Put a little extra effort into whatever may need it so that you never have to stop bitching about being a single-mom because you're too busy actually being one.
With all my love,

Getting Ambitious!

 So I'm getting a little ambitious around here. While I'm not concentrating on much that I'm should be doing and I didn't spend any more than ten whole minutes on this I'm rather proud of it anyway. I planted tomatoes. The hope is that they'll love this warm California sunshine and thrive; giving us fresh and yummy tomatoes.
I was inspired during my visit to Wisconsin to see my best friend, Michelle. She and her husband have this great garden where they're growing most of their own produce for the summer. I had some of the best tasting veggies while I was there. I'm so jealous. While I would love to have the amazing garden they have I know that's not realistic. I don't have the space or the attention span. I've tried very unsuccessfully to grow tomatoes when we lived in Washington.  I felt a little better about it because the people with the amazing gardens didn't have a whole lot of luck either. Washington just doesn't get enough heat or sun, even in the prime of summer, to produce good tomatoes. After doing a little research I found that it is possible to grow tomatoes here year-round. I feel better that I don't have to try and sneak in planting during some plant-season-window that I couldn't find with a GPS!
I think that Fiona will love to watch the plants grow and seeing that food we buy in the store actually comes from something other than the large bins we pick them from. Maybe she can help me with them. There's no way she could do any worse than I will! We'll see how excited she is when she comes home from day care today.
So here are my budding tomato plants I picked up at Walmart for $4 each. I spent $25 on the whole set-up; plants, pots, soil, and cages. Hopefully I won't be posting about my poor dead tomato plants in a month or so. Fingers crossed. There's so much garden stuff I would like to do, but this is me and while I can dream big, I don't always have great follow through. Not for lack of trying or willingness, mostly for lack of time. I'll be moving these over to the other side of the yard later so that they get hit with the sprinklers and I don't really have to even think about them. I'm going with the theory that the less I do to them, the happier they will be. Keep a look out in a month or so. We should either have great, ripe, yummy tomatoes, or dead plants in the garbage.