Breastfeeding Struggles

If you know me at all you know that I am an advocate for breastfeeding.  I think it’s fantastic! I hate the way formula is marketed to parents and what little education and help we receive for breastfeeding.  In the beginning breastfeeding is hard and a lot of work. Hell, sometimes that never goes away.  There are a very small percentage of people who truly can not breastfeed or who do not make enough milk – even with the help of all of the different things you can do to increase your supply.  Most of the problem comes in when in the first couple of months you don’t know what the hell you’re doing. You’re sleep deprived, you’re hormonal and you’re convinced you’re going to starve your baby. We all do it. Whether you’ve never put your babe to breast or she’s been attached to your boob since before the placenta was delivered.

Now for the record, not all of my children were breastfed until kindergarten. I’m not that chick. (If you are – Amen to you sista!) Krsyty was breastfed for about a month. No support or education and when I was worried the answer I got was “just give her a bottle, you don’t have to breastfeed her”. Um, ok. I’m 17, that works for me. Allie was born so tiny that she couldn’t use the calories it required to eat, so she was tube fed for more than 2 weeks. I pumped for a while and she ate what I pumped. But truthfully that didn’t last long. With Jane I was 22, had two other kids under 5 and there was zero support or education for me.  I also went back to work when she was 3 weeks old. They are all fine and perfectly functioning. I was formula fed. Although, now that I say that, I’m probably  not proving a very good point!

Fiona took to the breast like a champ! She nursed within minutes of being born and stayed there for almost 2 hours. She was a good, strong and efficient eater. She weaned herself at almost 12 months and went straight to milk. I had a clogged duct twice that never lasted for more than 12 hours. This was a dream! I couldn’t believe how easy it was. I spent my entire pregnancy with Georgiana dreaming about what a wonderful breastfeeding experience we were going to have. Boy was I wrong.

What all the breastfeeding propaganda (yep, I went there. It even feels that way to me sometimes) fails to mention is that sometimes it isn’t you. It’s that little person on the other side of the breast that’s the problem.  Babies are not born to breastfeed. They’re not born to formula feed either. They’re born to eat. That’s what they know. They know they need to eat and it’s our jobs to teach them how that happens. Being a parent does start that early, folks. Getting them to do it doesn’t always work the way we want it to. Yup, rebellion starts that early, too. 

Georgiana is a great baby. A GREAT baby. She has her father’s temperament. She doesn’t get riled easily, she’s not a fussy baby. She is quiet and content most of the time. I keep telling her that she needs to speak up or she’s gonna get left somewhere one day with the size of this bunch.  .

The problem is, she’s a lazy eater. L.A.Z.Y I tell ya! And we have some spit-up issues. And by spit-up issues I mean “holy shit where the hell is all that disgusting stuff coming out of her mouth coming from, I’m not even sure she ate that much, oh damn, now she’s choking” issues. When I took her in for her two week check she hadn’t yet reached her birth weight. Her doctor said to try to increase her feedings and add some pumped milk in to try to fatten her up a bit. She gained but not much. When I went in at my six week check-up she still wasn’t really gaining weight. She’s a slow eater. She falls asleep and stays that way. She only wants to eat so much and eating at the booby is work – did I mention she’s lazy?   We figured that because of how much she was spitting up she just wasn’t keeping the calories in she needed.  Dr. Merrill suggested that I “supplement” at her feedings. He never did say the “F” word, just let me come to that on my own, and I’m thankful for that.  We tried Zantac and that didn’t help. So I decided that splitting her feedings half breast milk/half formula was the best idea. It was giving her the extra calories she obviously wasn’t getting from me while still getting the benefits of the breast milk.  I tried a “gentle” version formula. It was better but could still be improved.  I switched her to a soy version and Holy Mother of God! SUCCESS! Looks like my girl has either a lactose sensitivity like me or a milk protein allergy that she’ll hopefully grow out of. The spitting is still there. After she eats you still have to be careful and whatever you do, do not lay the child flat. We have a weight-check appointment on Wednesday.  Fingers crossed that we see a “good” weight.

So for now I sit attached to this stupid breast pump and feeling like a dairy cow.  Thankfully I found this nifty bra…

Gee, don’t you wish you were me? Hint: I do not look this cheerful while hooked up to this contraption. Just sayin’.

Home Birth vs. Hospital Birth

As it gets closer and closer to my due date we are starting to get things in order.  At some point I have to pull out the infant clothes and wash the tiny diapers. It might be a good idea to order some more snappis, too.  I’ve paid the deposit to our doula. At my next appointment my doctor wants to check my cervix for changes. Baby has dropped. Significantly. 

As we are looking how quickly this is all approaching we are at a point where the “where” of the whole thing is looming before us. And honestly I’m torn. The midwife we’ve chosen is wonderful. But she lives an hour and a half away. North of Seattle, without traffic. Which is fine if I have the good sense to go into labor around midnight.  But truthfully it’s not a big deal when it’s someone I trust and have faith in their experience. Not like I have a plethora of options either. I’ve talked to other midwives and while I’m sure that they’re fine, I haven’t quite gotten that “feeling” with them that I have with her. So I’m willing to accept the travel time and even the possibility of an accidental “unassisted” birth. My doula has been with laboring women almost as long as I’ve been alive so I don’t feel like I would be alone.

I have been adamant that I wanted to have this baby at home. I want to crawl into my bed and pull the covers up and snuggle my husband and our new baby and all my girls all at the same time. I want the sights/sounds/smells of my own home and relax in the familiarity of it all. I want my house and my family all together.

Or do I?

I reluctantly took the hospital tour.  St. Elizabeth’s is a wonderful, brand spanking new, hospital. I’m pretty sure they’re still walking around taking that plastic film-y stuff off of the electronics. They are supportive of natural birth and have never had a ban on VBAC. My doctor lives in town. All things considered it’s really rather nice.  When I was there the nurses were very sweet.  I asked what the average stay was and she said “24-48 hours, depending on your doctor. I know if I had four other kids at home I’d enjoy the quiet time!”. It was cute and jovial and with no malice in it.  I kind of laughed her off and thought of this blissful picture I had of us all puppy piled in my bed while my birth team puttered around the house. 

But the last couple weeks have been rough. I keep hearing that nurse in my head. How nice would it be? Just a day. Maybe two. Just me and Georgiana and Doug. Other people to bring me stuff.  Not feeling like I had to get up and do anything. Time to sleep and nurse and just love on my newest daughter.  Let’s face it, this house and this family are my whole world. This is my stress and my joy. My accomplishments and my failures.  I feel guilty for thinking that at some point my husband might have to leave his wife and daughter and come home to sleep in an empty bed. Is it fair for me to think of this as time for myself.  I’m having a baby, not going to a spa. It’s a hospital not a resort.

On one hand I have my belief that I am having a baby, not sick, so I have no need to go to the hospital.  I have had four children already and two VBACs I can look back and be proud of.  I don’t need to go to the hospital. But am I standing on principle only in this decision? I trust my doctor to be understanding of my desires and to follow my birth plan. I don’t anticipate a fight against interventions. I trust my body to do what it is designed to do. It doesn’t matter if I am at home, in a hospital or on the moon – I am having this baby. Am I looking for a home birth to simply be able to say that I have fought the system and have done it? Malpractice and insurance policies and social conformity be damned? I just don’t know. At this point I think I’m just a crazy person and should probably be committed. (Preferably somewhere sunny, sandy and with a pretty Jose to bring me umbrella drinks.) I don’t have the traumatic c-section stories that I hear. I don’t have a panic-inducing distrust of hospitals as a whole. My c-section was 100% necessary and life saving for Allie. I don’t need to heal from that experience, like so many women I have come in contact with.  My VBAC with Jane was handled horribly and dangerously but we both came out just fine.  I can even put a funny spin on it when necessary.  My VBAC with Fiona was awesome and empowering and while there are a couple things that weren’t “perfect” they aren’t things that I hold any real animosity because of. Could it have been easier? Absolutely. Am I scared or afraid because of what happened? No. I pushed that 9lb 7oz baby out of my vagina without drugs and with limited interventions. I did it and I have that to hold dear.  I don’t live in an area where I will have to fight for every natural, intervention-free moment.  I have support and love that will surround me.

Financially we will come out about the same. It’s either in cash up front to the midwife or in payments to the hospital because of our deductible. Either way the money is spent. It’s just a matter of who I write the check to.

Honestly as I write this I feel like I’m leaning more towards the hospital. That day or so break sounds good. I know what I am like and the responsibility of the house and the family weighs on me.   My mom will be here to visit with the girls and help.  I just don’t know. I guess we’ll wait and see. 

Does anyone have any thoughts?

Our First Milestone!

YAY FOR TEARS!
OK generally not something we like to say but today it's true! Fiona had her usual I'm-wet-and-not-happy-and-now-I'm-naked-make-it-STOP meltdown this morning with one tiny difference. When I picked her up after the indignity of having not only wet pants, but to be naked on top of it, she had little tears in her eyes! Anyone who's heart doesn't melt at the sight of a two week old tiny tears and a big ol' boo-boo lip has a Grinch sized heart (that's two-sizes-too-small for anyone keeping track).
I get a lot of "Mom when is she going to do this, or that". It may not be much but it sure is a start.
Baby steps. Teeny, tiny, teary-eyed, baby steps...

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Whew! What an exciting weekend.

Doug finally got me convinced that not only do we need a bigger car (that's kind of obvious) but that a minivan (bleck!) was the best option. And with ever fluctuating gas prices and the fact that I cringe when I even fill the jeep I had to eventually agree that while the thought of a nice shiny Suburban would be awesome, it's just not the smart choice. So Friday night we headed down to the dealership and left with a 2003 Chrysler Town & Country.

It handles nice and doesn't feel like a giant beast of a car, which I was worried about. The kids absolutely love it. There's what we thought was a DVD player (turned out to be a VCR!) for the kids - we'll get that switched out. They have lots of room to spread out and there's even a plug for Krysty's car charger in the back. So no more fighting with Mom over who gets to plug the phone in.

Saturday we finished our Hypnobirthing class. The techniques we learned have really helped me relax and I know will help make the labor easier. It is nice now that we don't have to be there every Saturday morning at 9! Doug and I are not morning people and it just doesn't do will for us to have to be up and functioning together that early on the weekend. It was nice to spend the time together. There was lot of focus on closeness and it was something that we had to stop and work on together. With our opposing schedules it was nice to just sit close.

On the way home from the class we were in a minor fender-bender. Nothing major, but enough to dent the new bumper! Someone just pulled out to make a left turn. Luckily I was paying attention and the damage was not as bad as it could have been. By the time we collided we were almost stopped. There was a split second that I thought we missed but it wasn't to be. So we exchanged information and called the insurance companies (this is why they make you talk to your insurance company before you leave the dealership!). Then we took Krysty over to Ma and Pa Strange so we could go have me and baby monitored.

Everything was fine. They did blood tests and monitored Fiona's heartbeat for about 4 hours. She was showing off by moving around a bunch and kicking the monitors and even had a bout of the hiccups. Which is funny when you can "hear them" on the monitor. I had a few contractions but nothing that the doctors said we should be concerned about. He checked my cervix manually (damn I was hoping to get through this whole pregnancy without one of those!) and said that everything still seemed fine. My cervix is still high and closed but it is softening. This particular doctor said that since I'm at 30 weeks that I should expect another 6 weeks but not much more than that. We have another doctor's appointment on Friday for a cervical length and will talk with them then about what they think. Our midwife is comfortable delivering at 36 weeks here at home and so are we. Besides, we need to get firmly out of October anyway. I'm hoping to spread the birthdays out at least a little bit!

Sunday was a little more relaxing. We are trying to get the house in order. Doug finished up the touch-ups in the bedroom and he'll finish the ceiling this weekend. We got the crib put together and set up, the room rearranged, the changing table painted and set up and the carpets cleaned. Pa Strange came over too and expertly took on the task of sanding and staining the dresser. That turned into a bigger project than any of us anticipated but I know it will come out so much more beautiful than if I did it. I think he's coming over today to work on it some more. As soon as it's all pulled together I'll post some more pictures. It's really looking great! Of course now all the girls want to know when they get to have their rooms painted! Oh boy. Well, guess we'll have to start working on that.

Well that was our exciting weekend - my new, albeit broken in car, good baby news and slow but sure progress on getting the room ready for an extra occupant. I'm hoping for a much calmer one to come. We've got our midwife appointment next weekend is all and so hopefully we can all get some much needed rest!