I Believe In Angels

I believe in angels. I believe that babies are angels. Anyone that has ever had a child I think will agree with me. They teach us patience, kindness, laughter, and how to find joy in the little things. The fact that a baby is born at all is itself a miracle. Sometimes babies grow out of their angel wings and sometimes they do not.

When I was a baby my parents had a son. He lived for 6 days. While I was visiting my mom this past weekend she gave me the information on where he is buried. My little family is dwindling and she felt that it was important that I have this information.
I remember going with her as a child. She went every year on his birthday. I always new this was a time to be quiet and be gentle. I remember the view. I remember the flags blowing in the wind. Most of all I remember my mom crying - but not really understanding. I remember wishing he had lived so she wouldn't cry and so that I would have someone to play with.
Eventually my mom stopped going to the cemetery. She got to a point where she felt it was OK and was able to stop. Since she had passed the information on to me I felt compelled to go. It was time. It was my responsibility. I should go at least once. I would pick up some flowers and leave them. I would say a prayer and take a moment.
I was not prepared.
I didn't really have trouble finding the area called "Baby Land". Even without the carefully written information I could have found the plot. I knew where I was and where I was going. I stopped the car, rolled down the window in case Fiona woke up, got out and walked four plots in.
I kneeled down, ran my fingers over the stone, set the flowers down and started to cry. I said "I'm sorry little one. I'm sorry your little body was not strong enough" and I cried. I looked around and I felt the wind and heard the absolute silence. There was no sound of traffic, no birds, and no other voices. I saw some of the stones around me, some of them with only one date on it. And I cried harder.
As a mother I cried.
For my mother I cried.
I kneeled in this place surrounded by angels and sobbed. I don't know how long I sat there before I could stop long enough to even catch my breath.
I ran my hand over the stone again and said a silent Thank You to the person who takes care of that place. There was not a blade of grass out of place and there was not a single scratch on his stone. I couldn't figure out how to stick the flowers in the ground. I felt inept. Eventually I just laid them on top and left. I had to sit in my car and try to gain my composure. I had to call a friend to be able to do that enough to drive.
I will go back. As often as I am in town I will go back. I have not even been able to get through writing this without crying but I will go back. When it is time I will pass this knowledge on to my children so that there is always someone who knows where this particular angel's body was laid to rest.

Mommy Groups

Fiona and I attended our first Mommy Group meet up yesterday. Nothing fancy, we met at a local Starbucks and then walked the Enumclaw trail. It was about 2 hours and was deeply needed. The weather couldn't have been better. I do love this time of year in Washington. Despite sleep deprivation from the night before Fiona was all smiles and managed to stay awake for the entire time. I think she enjoyed seeing the other kids. I know I enjoyed the activity and social time.
I'm not good at meeting new people. For a very long time I have always had the same group of friends and had a hard time going out of that comfort zone. I like meeting new people, I'm just not very good at getting out there and doing it. I think this Mommy Group thing will be good for me and for Fiona. We don't really get much social time in and it's starting to be a problem with Fiona. She's very clingy to me and doesn't really want to go to anyone else. This includes her Papa and I know that is hard on him. But, I am all she sees and has during the day and I get a little anxious sometimes, too. So in an effort not to make the baby as batty as the Mama we're out to make new friends!

In a Million Words or Less...

Allie came home from school today I asked her "do you have any homework?". She said "No, but YOU do!". She was really excited about this fact like she was somehow able to shed some of the daily responsibility of being a kid on the first adult to ask.
So here's my homework:
Please help me get to know your student by using the page below to tell me about your student in ONE MILLION WORDS OR LESS.
Crap.
How do I do this? This is for Allie - my magical, silly, intense Allie. If you've ever spent any real time with Al you know how difficult this is. She is my most complex child. She is in this horrible middle stage where she's not yet a teenager but not quite a little kid anymore. She's on the cusp of something big but doesn't know just what it is yet. She has changed a lot in the last couple years and it has been a trying time for all of us. Once she was a shy quiet child that didn't make friends easily. It has been a blessing to watch as she has come out of her shell and started to be social. She has a great personality. She's actually pretty damn funny. We're slowly having to learn what is fun, what is funny and what can be rude and disrespectful. She wants to help, but sometimes for selfish reasons. Which is not in itself a bad thing. However, she's also learning how to manipulate which worries me. We had a lot of problems last year. I think it was harder with her than it would've been with the other girls because I know how loving and awesome she can be. To see that ugly side of her was devastating.
Allie is painfully stubborn. When she sets her sights on something there is no deterring her. She will get it by any means necessary. I can only pray that we are able to channel this energy and use this for good.
We learned last year that if she doesn't want to do something there is nothing in creation that will motivate her to do it. She is willing to take whatever punishment we can dish out.
But there is the beautiful magical side of Allie. There is the part of her that lights up a room and can take the center of attention without trying. She's fun to be around and can really motivate others better than any of the other kids.
She is passive and shy and quiet and can move through the world like a charging bull.
When Doug and I first started dating she watched quietly and made up her mind about him. There was no convincing her. She stood back and came to her own conclusions. She does that with everything. Give her the information and she will put it together.
She has made me strive to be a better mom.
She has made me be more patient and learn to keep my cool.
I am looking forward to seeing the adult she will become. Looking at her now there is no way to predict what the future will hold for her. It will be where ever the wind takes her fancy. The life she will lead will be exciting and I pray that the person she chooses to spend it with can hold on and keep up.
I'm guessing this is not what the teacher has in mind.
She studies hard, is distracted easily and has difficulty turning in her homework. She is willing to put in extra work when she's not getting a concept but is reluctant to ask questions. She is eager to please and likes to help out with classroom activities - You'll never be short of volunteers. If your patience can take it you'll be blessed to have Allie as part of your class.
There, that's better.

Top 7 Ways to Have an Unnecessary C-Section

I found this while poking around on various pregnancy/childbirth websites and found it amusing so I thought I'd share. (I need to just get it over with and get my childbirth educator/doula certification)

re-posted from this site.

7. Go the hospital in the early phases of labor. Get there realllly early so you feel a lot pressure to perform, even though you know that labor is usually a slow process. The earlier the better so you can get tagged with ‘failure to progress’ and get started with a series of medical interventions that’ll often end in a c-section.

6. Don’t eat or drink during a long labor. Just wear yourself out completely and then complain loudly of fatigue. This will up your chances of medical personnel suggesting the solution.

5. Get an amniotomy too soon. Once they burst your bubble you’re now on the clock for a cesarean. If you manage to move along at a snail’s pace you’re sure to end up under the knife!

4. Accept pitocin to induce or stimulate contractions. Since fetal distress is associated with the drug, you’ll have to have continuous electronic fetal heart monitoring which will immobilize you. Good call! The less you move around the better – that’s sure to slow the train. Plus, the drug-induced contractions are so strong you’ll be screaming for an epidural in no time.

3. Request an epidural. Now you’re totally immobilized, yay! Labor’s progress will likely slow down even further and pushing effectively will likely be much harder since you can’t get into any vertical or squatting positions that would work in your favor.

2. Accept hospital staff’s comments on lack of progress without challenge. Once they start complaining that you’re poking along and taking up space, get discouraged and give up. Turn all decisions over to them and you’ll be wheeled away in no time.

1. Just ask! Oh yeah … these days you don’t actually need to go through the hassle of labor at all. Just call up your OB and tell him/her you’d like to schedule your baby – the whole pushing a baby out thing is so inconvenient and last millenium. Your OB will probably be relieved anyways because you’ll be one less lady who might interrupt a good night’s sleep.

*A note on this list: Clearly there are real medical emergencies that can happen, and in those cases c-sections can be true life savers. However, the sad fact is that most cesareans are not done for legitimate medical reasons and in the last decade the number of c-sections has doubled to over 30% of US births. It’s not surprising that so many doctors are in favor of elective cesareans – after all, it’s certainly more convenient and they get to charge lots more $$$. As for us moms who get to make this choice – my feeling is that many women are just not well informed about the risks … because make no mistake: a c-section is a major abdominal surgery and poses significantly more risks to both mom and baby.

And since I like to end on an upbeat note, I wanted to share the cartoon above because it accurately reflects my feelings at this stage. :)

I thought I was catching up

I guess not! Oh well.
There has been a lot going on the past few weeks.
Last weekend Doug and I drove down to Portland to meet my brother Danny for the first time. Long story condensed and dirt free is that he is my dad's son from his second marriage. When they split up she took Danny with her and that's pretty much where our involvement ended. Until about 8 months ago when I got an email from Danny trying to get in touch with my dad. There's a lot of messy details in the middle as there always is in the dissolution of a marriage and since I wasn't there I'll not speculate. At least not in such a public forum. ;)
Danny is awesome. We had a really great time when we met up at a park in Portland. He is a younger version of my father. The laugh, the smile, the mannerisms - everything. It's not just me seeing what I want to see because I finally was able to meet him. Doug noticed it too after only meeting my dad at the wedding. Even their personalities are similar. It makes it incredibly easy to be with him and connect with him. Which is just fantastic.
Fiona thought Uncle Danny was just the best thing since Cheerios! She normally has a bit of shyness and won't go to someone new for some time. She didn't have that issue with him and had no problem crawling all over him right away. I'm hoping he and his lovely wife will make it up for Labor Day weekend. His wife, Lisa, is awesome too. We connect on a woman-mom level and that's always good. Women can be friends with just about anyone - our families bind us - and being family is a great way to start.
Fiona cut her first tooth yesterday! I'm so excited but also a little nervous. She's still nursing and we're learning about this as we go. I'm not sure what happens when the teeth come in but we'll see. She's getting so HUGE it's just amazing. She can creep along the edge of the couch now. She can't pull herself up on the couch because the edges are too slippery but if you let her grab your hand she can stand up and will walk along the edge. She can go from her belly to sitting and then pull herself up standing in her bed or in her little play-yard. But she hasn't quite figured out that you must do it in that order. She can't pull herself from her belly to standing and that frustrates her sometimes. We bought her a walker but the pile on the carpet is too high and she just isn't quite tall enough to be able to move it around. It will all happen way too soon. But it sure is exciting.
We are trying for baby number 5. It's taking a little longer than I had anticipated but I know sometimes these things do. When it is right it will happen. We are both taking our vitamins and doing what we can. I am leaving the rest up to the powers that be.
I had the realization the other day when talking with someone that saying you are trying to get pregnant is akin to announcing "Hey everybody! We're having SEX - with a purpose!" While it's a normal assumption that this is something that happens between happy (and even sometimes no so happy) couples/adults, announcing it doesn't usually happen. This also opens the door for people to ask you whether or not you're having sex. While it may not be so blunt as all that it still is the same "so you're trying then?" Even funnier is the fact that this opens the door to questions regarding all kinds of other personal details that no one would think to ask any other time. Because we are actively trying we are taking some steps to try to make this a little more successful. I am doing BBT charting (for those of you that don't know what that is - look it up) and so we have a pretty good idea when exactly I can get pregnant and when I can't. This leads to some interesting questions. It just amuses me that something once so personal becomes so very public and open for random discussion. And yes I know, blogging about it on the internet doesn't exactly help. But we are of the information age and here's the information like it or not!
Doug is still loving his job. He is super busy and working very long hours. But it keeps him interested and out of the bars so I'm OK with it. :) It's nice to see him so passionate about his work. He takes what he does very seriously and his responsibility to the people he works with and for is very important. I do sometimes have to nudge him and remind him that whatever it is can wait until morning or later but for the most part he handles the balance well. Even though I am working part time from home I am very much back into the roll of housewife and keeper of all things domestic. I find I'm enjoying it and learning a new balance myself. I'm looking forward to the new school year and how that will mean adjusting the schedule for all of us.
Krystyne starts high school this year. Yikes! I'm not sure when I got old enough to have a child in high school but I'm not ok with it. I know she's excited and I am excited for her too. We are looking forward to going to the orientation next week.
Allie is starting 7th grade. I know that she's excited about being with the same kids for the third year in a row. She is also going to be playing in band again this year. I am hoping that she will try out for jazz band, too. She's doing so good with her trombone I know she'd have fun getting to perform more often. I think it will be good for her and Krysty to be in different schools this year, too. It will give them both the opportunity to get out of the "arent' you Allie's/Krystyne's sister" thing that they get into. I'm excited for what the new found independance will do for her.
Jane is going to be in 4th grade. She wants to start playing more sports this year and I think she will really enjoy it. She's getting so much bigger all the time. I just have to make sure that she doesn't get too big for her britches. It's hard when there are bigger sisters running around.
The biggest challenge when you have a large family is making sure that everyone gets the time and attention they need. Because of the wide range in needs this can prove tricky Doug and I as parents. This is something that we are aware of and are consiously working on. While it is difficult it is worth every bit of effort and we wouldn't change a thing.
So that's our latest update. We hope you all are doing well!

Maybe I need my head examined.

The other day I had someone say to me "It's OK, I understand. You have teenagers - and a baby." I kind of giggled at first and as the day progressed I was more and more amused. My current lack of personal organization and inability to get simple tasks accomplished is socially acceptable because I have a reasonable excuse for having days where it is a good thing I have preference for slip on shoes - my kids.
So, for all of you moms (and dads) out there wondering what the hell happened - feel secure in the fact that you are not alone. When you look at your spouse and ask "When did we get stupid?", it was right about the time your kids figured out you do not know everything. That is also the time they figure (or at the very least believe) that they do know everything and you're a moron. I think they're just as confused as we are how we've managed to keep them alive this long with our bumbling idiocy. I think that the very act of trying to figure out what the hell they were thinking does blow out a few parental brain cells. Add this to my current and perpetual state of sleep deprivation and its no wonder I choose not to tie my shoes. I don't need that extra thing to think about in my day when my brain is already overloaded.
I have always said that there is a limited amount of space in a person's brain. When that space is filled up there is stuff that has to go. Unfortunately for me I am pulling space from my short term memory. I can give you directions from my mom's house to my first high school (because I need that tidbit of information). But when it comes to short term memory... I'm sorry, what were we talking about?

That's OK. I have teenagers. And a baby.

Empty

Houses are made to be lived in. Everyone knows that a house that stands empty for too long will need repairs that a lived in house does not need. They are built for people and absorb the energy of those people. My house has a lot of energy. Partly because there are a lot of people in it, but I think more so because there are children that live here. Children bring a certain vitality to a home that you can not get in a house of adults. There always seems to be a low level hum around here. There are kids on the phone, watching TV, reading, on the computer, talking, laughing - just being - at almost any given moment. When bed time finally rolls around about 10 or so and everyone is asleep there's a hush that blankets the place. You can feel it. It's heavy and warm. If you've ever been in a house when all of the children are sleeping you know what I mean. When one or more of the kids are gone, or even all of them you can tell. There is an emptiness to the house. That emptiness is here now. Allie, Jane and Krysty are in Wisconsin visiting Kraig. Fiona is with Phil and Penny for the afternoon so that I can get caught up on some work (which I pretty much have). Doug is even gone for the week on business. The house feels empty and lonely. There is something missing. The girls' rooms sit expectantly with beds that need to be made, books on tables and desks, and shoes kicked haphazardly around. There is comfort in knowing they left it that way knowing they would be back. Knowing that they would only be gone a relatively short time and they would be back to pick up the book, make the bed and run off with friends again.
Today the house is empty and anxious. Today the missing presense of children and family is felt deeply. I miss them. I know they will be home soon but I still miss them. 34 days until they are home.
The house can wait, and so can I.