Where oh where have I gone?

I have been asked recently - and frequently - where have you been? How are you? What's going on?
The answer seems simple enough. I've been hiding a bit. Hibernating. Recharging. Avoiding. I'm fine really. No, really I am. I've just been stuck in my own head for a while. It's a weird and scary place sometimes and has been filled with more than I can process as of late. So I just don't. I go through the motions. I hide. I clean. I talk to those closest and that's about it. I call my mom. Going through the motions of normalcy helps me bring it back.
Krysty has a boyfriend. A real one. A comes over and hangs out and they hold hands and cuddle on the couch and are as close as can be accomplished with parents in the house. This rattles me. Not only because I am somehow old enough to find myself with a teenage daughter that is going through this new phase of her life but because it was not that long ago that I was going through it all myself.  It terrifies me. It causes me to have conversations I don't want to have. She's not supposed to be here yet. I'm not supposed to be here yet. EJ's a nice kid. He's polite and well mannered. Of course I make him nervous. Which I take great pride in. As a mom it is my job to make the little bastards that come sniffing around my daughters nervous. It's a fun game for me really.  So I'm processing. Trying to move forward without muddying the waters too terribly and trying to keep my daughter from making the bad choices I did. So very cliche but true.
Last week would have been my 15th anniversary had Kraig and I stayed married. While I don't long for the "good ol' days" it did send me in to a reminiscent tail-spin. I have always had regret when it came to my divorce. Not because I think that we could have somehow made it - we were toxic to each other - but because I have always viewed it as my biggest personal failure. I can, with complete honesty, say that I was just as much to blame as he was for our relationship. I can go back and point to specifics and generalities equally and say "This Is Where I Went Wrong". I was not a good wife. I was not a good partner.  I wasn't working with the cream of the crop either but I can not place blame on someone else when there is so much blame to put on myself.  It was as it was but that doesn't change it. Fifteen years ago I had made a promise. A blind, stupid, naive promise that I did not understand. But that does not take away the responsibility that I felt and the failure to meet that promise I still feel.   We are both better off. We both know it. Our spouses know it. And because of what my marriage to Kraig was I strive EVERY DAY to be a better wife to Doug. I love him beyond words. But it was my marriage to Kraig that allows me to appreciate what I have now and hold it so delicately so I don't fuck this up, too. We all have our hairshirts to wear. This is mine.
The other girls are fine. I can't get Allie to practice her trombone for God or Country. Jane tested the waters of not turning in homework and decided she is not that good of a swimmer. Fiona is growing like a weed. An opinionated, independent, stubborn little weed that has this entire house at her command.
Doug managed to miss being cut in a mass re-organization of Wal-Mart's upper management system.  It means more work, longer hours and travel. But it also means a little more money and a great sigh of relief. 
So that's it folks. Life came in fast and quick and knocked me on my ass for a bit. Nothing traumatic. Nothing broken, scratched or bruised. I just needed to sit here and catch my breath for a moment. 

Brace Yourself

Jane got her braces on yesterday. She's really excited about it and I'm excited for her. Jane and Allie both got my horrible palate, but thankfully we (and her dad) are in a position to fix it.  Allie will be next this summer.

She did really good. She started in April with an expander to widen her narrow palate and help move things around. I'm amazed at the difference it's made in just a few short months. Now the braces, only four brackets on the top, will help straighten the rest and hopefully prevent or at least lessen the need for full mouth braces later.

Her whole world has shrunk down to the size of these four little brackets with pink rubber bands. "I didn't know that when you had braces..." or "my braces". Doug and I had to remind each other that while this is nothing serious to us, it's the most exciting thing to happen to her in the last 10 years! The up side to this is that she was off and running to brush her teeth right after dinner "Because when you have braces you have to brush really good all the time". Or so we were told.

Kid in braces - check. Kid in high school- check. Pre-teen perpetually grounded - check. Toddler - check. Looks like my Mom Bingo card is almost full!

Finally Sinking In

Everything is finally sinking in.
It is finally hitting me and it sucks. I no longer have to act like I am pregnant because I am not.
Well fuck.
I can eat sushi if I want. Or nothing at all if it suits me. I can smoke or drink or take diet pills or asprin. Whether I will or not is not the issue but the fact that I CAN if it suited me. There is no worrying because I'm pregnant. I can loose weight, I can start running. I can work on fitting in my "old" clothes and I can go out and buy new ones because in all likelihood they will fit in two months. There are no doctor or midwife appointments to make, plans to make and nothing to adjust our life to. There is nothing we are preparing for. While I suddenly have emptied the list of the "forbidden" I have also cleared the calendar for the future. Everything has come to an absolute grinding, ear-splitting, glass-shattering stop. In the silence of the aftermath I have no idea what to do next.
The numbness has worn off but I'm not sure what is next. So far I've cleaned. My friends ask how I'm doing. And to the ones that I am closest to and the people who know me best I tell them "the house is clean and smells like bleach if that tells you anything". It is and it does. The bathrooms are cleaned and vacuumed and the dishes are done and the floors are mopped. The clutter has been worked on and the little things that have been put off for the last few months are done. If I can control the chaos around me then maybe I can control the chaos that is going on in my head. I've been snippy with Doug a few times and bitchy with the kids but nothing that holds any real steam behind it.
I'm not sure how to process this. There are moments of overwhelming sadness. When we went to the hospital Monday for the D&C it was this roller coaster that I couldn't control. I was fine when we left until we got there. I was fine once we were checked in but not once we got back to the "prep" area. I was fine in the prep area but not waiting for the anesthesiologist. I was fine until I woke up. And until we were ready to leave. And until we got home. I was fine when a dear friend called and saved me by talking about anything but. I wasn't fine in between. Doug was amazing at the hospital. His quiet presence was what held me together. Knowing that he was going through it too and that I was not alone made the burden easier to bear. Because it was shared by the man I love most in this world I knew that I could and would be OK. It's the in between that I'm finding hard to deal with. It is the split second moments when I realize that the beer I'm drinking is no big deal.
I don't know how to get around this or past it. I'm sure this is one of those time-heals-all-wounds kind of deals. Until then I need to keep cleaning. I need to keep busy. I know that I need to move forward and to fill the days with something but I haven't figured out what that is yet. When you are pregnant it is an all encompassing thing and now I find that I have all this empty space to fill and I'm not sure what to do with it. It's like wading through mud and then finding yourself on dry ground. I'm struggling to get my bearings.
So for now I'm sure something needs dusting and there's a Diet Coke or margarita with my name on it and a pair of jeans I think I still fit into. And a little bit in between to be dealt with.

Thank You Ladies

Last night I had a great time with a fantastic group of ladies. I want to thank them all for their laughter, their joy, their friendship and their support.
Too often as women we isolate ourselves. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we never truly out grow that gangly, awkward stage that we are so hormonally catapulted into sometime around 11. We are then bombarded by the social "ideal" that only a scant 1% has any hope to achieve. I like to live with my own delusions that even they are afraid they don't measure up and are somehow found wanting. This is what gets me through the day. It si not until the journey has left it's map on our bodies and our faces that there is the slightest glimmer of recognition that we just might be OK just the way we are. Unfortunately if you stick more than one of us in a room the sad reality is that we are again that unsure adolescent. Does she like me? Does she not? Does she like my hair/clothes/shoes/make up? Am I too fat/skinny/tall/short/loud/quiet? Will they get my jokes and my sense of humor? Did that just sound stupid? The list that we all bring with us is endless.
The joy in tonight was being able to sit with this dozen plus group of ladies and watch the camaraderie. You can watch the insecurities fade away before your eyes. There are ladies I know better than others and I look forward to getting to know them all better. The weaknesses and struggles are all still there but are drowned out by the conversation and laughter. That was the whole point to getting together tonigh. To leave the worries and endless responsibilities of our everyday lives at home and enjoy the support of those kindred souls. Those who must also put aside their own insecurities and ask for and give acceptance.
Thank you, again my friends, for a night of joy and laughter. Thank you for the opportunity to get to know each of you just a little bit more. I'm looking forward to many more nights like this.

So Far So Good

So far this year has been GREAT!
Easy to say heading into day four but in an attempt to take each day as it comes, So Far, So Good! It is the New Year. A symbolic opportunity to start fresh. Simply changing the calendar can offer a glimmer of what can be. With no pages to look back on it offers at least the appearance of new beginnings. Those osf you with 18 month calendars should be ashamed of yourselves! Screwing it up for us optimistic types.
I've done a bit of reading lately on resolutions. The theory itself intrigues me. Apparently I'm not the only one since there are news articles, stories, blogs, and even Facebook updates (yeah OK guilty) on the subject. There's statistical data on the most made resolutions, the most failed resolutions, those who make the resolution to make no resolutions and even the terribly gag-me sweet gifts-to-myself people (gift of better health through fitness, gift of time through organization, blah, blah, blah). I'm obviously not immune to the whole thing. However, as the last few days have passed I've re focused my thinking and reassessed my own resolutions.
There are things I want to accomplish this year, like getting my child birth educator certification. There are things that need to get done, like the de-cluttering, organization and final unpacking of the house. OK so we've been here for 3 years and still aren't fully unpacked - but who's counting?. Things I'd like to improve on, like finally keeping this damn blog up to date and being more patient. I think making a resolution is the easy part. Having the resolve to make major changes in your life is something else.
I've been productive so far this weekend. Eight boxes have been cleared from the garage. Divided into Trash, Keep and Donate boxes. Only 2 bins will be making back to the garage. The laundry is mostly done. The kitchen is tidy and my bed is made. I think the biggest change that I have made this weekend has not been tangible. It is a change in mindset. Or at least, in all honesty, a resolve to change my mindset. I can't say specifically what it was, but so far it's working.
Part of it, I think, is just a change in wording from "I'd like to at least get my hair brush put away to " I will put my makeup and hairbrush away" and doing it. It's the understanding that sometimes this just ain't gonna happen. Part of it is being conscious of the physical. Yes, absolutely, 100%those moments of quiet and inactivity are vital to your mental well-being. But how much of that time could be better spent productively without detriment? It's asking myself the question "Can I do more before I move on?".
Right now I have made that choice. I could be reading or watching TV, but this is something I want to work on. This is something important. I started this blog as a way to update family and friends about what was going on with my last pregnancy and life in gerneral. But writing is something I enjoy and is an outlet for me. Sometimes emotional and other tims creative, but I find comfort in it either way. I write to an audiance but not always for an audiance. It's just the way my head works.
Hopefully this change in mindset should allow me to not only do more that I enjoy but more effectively keep the house from falling down around us.
My biggest worry is being able to maintain this pace. So often we fall into patterns based on momentum. I envy those whose lives are more conscious than that. I guess that's the broadest definition of what I'm looking for. My resolution, my goal, my gift to myself is a life not based on momentum and one making the conscious, physical decisions that are the best that I can make them. I know some days will be better than others. Some weeks will have more tangible results.
So far, so good.

Brighter Days

After a very long weekend and quite a few tears we got some great news yesterday! My hormone levels are well within range and climbing as they are supposed to be. AMEN! I still feel like I'm having a period which worries me but at least for now we are celebrating. I'm afraid to get too excited and and crash if something happens, but for now we are excited again. Every twinge is nerve wrecking. I have a doctor's appointment on January 6th. Hopefully then we can hear a heartbeat or at least get some more reassuring news from the doctor.
For now I'm counting this among my blessings. All is well and I can breathe again.

Sadness

I've had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. I haven't gotten the "confirmation" from the doctor but I know it has happened. I've gone from spotting to bleeding. I go in Saturday for another blood test to check hormone levels. At this point I'm just going through the motions.
All that I have done today is go through the motions. I have to believe in my heart that this is for the best. I have to know that this baby was not healthy and was not strong enough. That does not lessen the grief. I have been useless today. Empty. It's Christmas Eve and a horrible time to have to go through this. While we should be celebrating there is an air of sadness to me. I can't help it. I'm missing something. There is something missing in me. Quite literally. While it has only been a couple weeks we have been so excited. We have been congratulated. We have made plans and appointments. There is hope an joy in bring in a new life. Losing that is wrapped in the ultimate sadness. I can't seem to take a full breath. I can't concentrate. Doug has been working all day and I'm lonely. I've been lost in my own house.
I will be OK. I know that. I am sad but not devastated. Eventually this funk will pass.
Today I am sad.